Saturday

It is truly a sad day when you realize with all your heart that there is no turning back. When you realize that the addict has wrung everything out of you that there was for them. Every last bit of likability, patience, and respect. What is left is pity and the love that is there for any fellow human going through such a plight. The detachment, the distance, the numbness all a way of protecting our hearts, our self, our very core that makes living possible. So pitiful when they realize they have gone too far. They have shown their hand much too clearly and you refuse to play the game and pretend to forget anymore. They will make any amends. Ah yes, but how long would that last. All the other times they been able to keep in the shadows of our realization. It is this time that we realize that what we have seem clearly, what we have heard plainly is a cross roads. They know we have seen clearly and if we continue it will be a voluntary action. If we participate once again in the game we will lose what dignity there is left. The addict will, in the heat of the game look upon us with disgust. We all know the score no mater where in the game we stand. They saw the flash of realization in our eyes. They saw the bowing of the head as we submit to yet another chance given. They have won a victory of sorts, and when they are once again at the top of their high, will look down on us. Curs under foot. What we have seen as a strength in standing with them, they see as a weakness of compliance.This time I choose to opt out of the game. I refuse to play my part. Long ago there was a semblance of asking forgiveness, now only waiting putting forth no effort to elicit pardon. It is expected. He acts out a play alone. No answering dialogue from on stage or off. The production has closed. The other actors have all gone on, back to their lives. The audience, left when the lights went up and all was exposed as cardboard props and emotion drawn on with opaque makeup. The cleaning crew is sweeping and the lights on the marquee will go out forever on this tragedy, farce, black comedy.

Self respect. I must either own it or give it up. Trust is gone. I see from a distance now. I see motives behind words and actions. I saw when bullying didn't work, when false accusation didn't budge me. Now he is the happy smiling one. Always a look of wonder on his face, an innocent question on his lips. Why are you mad at me dear? I would want to know why if I repeatedly told someone, "I love you." yet only got a blank stare or a look of disbelief. Yet he never questions. I am in transition, we are broke. I will work to get us back solvent then make an end of it. I told him my trust is broken when it comes to him and he has made no effort to rebuild it. He only passed it off as 'things that happen while drunk' thus liberating him from any responsibility to deal with it. I believe he boils just below the surface. If pressed for an answer he says everything is my doing, my fault. He admits no bad behavior. None. Maybe he is the only one who still believes his lies. I don't understand, and to be truthful I don't care to try. He spent 2 years chasing skirts and asking women to take photos of bare breasts for his entertainment. I'm pretty sure he can find someone younger and better looking. Best of luck to him.