Once you realize who exactly you're married to, and once you get over the shock of what they've 'done' to you... You begin to see the little differences in your offspring. When you smart, funny kid doesn't excel in school, or sports, or their talent. They change friends, because Dad makes fun of all the nice kids.
Long talks about no longer 'covering' for ANY bad behavior in the family. They trust you, so they speak. Dad has been telling his son, since the child was very young, about his sexual exploits when single. Inappropriate conversations. How much fun going to jail is. Well, not fun, but memorable experiences for men. Nothing to be ashamed of. Paint yourself as a badass behind bars.
They hang out with the wrong crowd. Mama is uninitiated. She has lived the life in America and doesn't know about how 'people' really live. I try to reel them back, they lie like you.
The not it's caught doing vandalism. Lucky, a powerful businessman discovered him, and his hidden talents. No jail time, surly about community service. They businessman saved that boy. He toured Europe. Worked with men outside of the US who were also honorable, and law abiding. Valued education and character, instead of acts of machismo.
Fast forward the arrest ended up a misdemeanor, but can never be expunged... Never. Want to be something, join the military and serve- because you've become an honorable upright young man? Hmm, with the record, and some home tattoos from your youth. (Which your dad thought were great, because he got them with other troubled Hispanic boys.) All his military dreams dashed. They even found a technicality, didn't have to say something that could remotely seem discriminatory.
We had another long talk, that boy and I. This is why you raise your kids to do better than you. This is why you protect their innocence as long as possible. Please, raise your kids differently. Protect, love, and genuinely want to see them prosper. They are not your enemy.
The girl? People often wonder what she sees in her fiance. A pacifist. She'll go to bat before he ever will. I did have to think about it, then it hit me- he'll never hurt her.
O pray they'll get help, if they ever need it. I try to listen, but keep distance unless asked. I throw out suggestions- if asked. They're both miles away. Their dad never bothers them- he couldn't pay his phone, and now has a different number that he won't share. For his drug dealers and girlfriends only I guess. Honestly, I feel kinda free knowing he can't call. And that he won't bother them.
Now to plan the secret wedding of my daughter. The druggie doesn't like her fiance. Also with the trouble he tried to start at our son's wedding... Daughter girl is marrying into a military family. Military lifers still in the field. No one needs memories like that. My daughter and I both think of the cocaine fueled wedding scene from, 'Mom' the sitcom. We laugh, but it his close to home for us.
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