The Fall

The good news is that Nabal has stopped drinking completely. The bad news is that Nabal is now using crack. This fall is noticed he was home more than working. I leave at 10ish, it's hear his feet above hit the floor- no construction worker wakes at 10 for work. I billed a job for him a little over $10,000. Awaited it to catch up on bills. Never came... He was so out of it, he had to give/sub the rest of his job to one of his cohorts- the money went to them. I've realized all bills are on me- it'll be tight, but I can do it. Enter my vehicle, my money making vehicle that gets me to work. (I work a distance still to make better money.) 340,000 glorious Toyota miles! And the drivetrain is shot... I've sunk $1,000 into it since summer. Nope, can't wait, gotta get a new (to me) car- NOW. Alas it's been a good 12 years without a payment.

Back to Nabal. He's made a few thousand here and there- and spent it in a matter of a few days. He did buy some truck...for cash. (It's parked) Yet, he did not pay for his one truck, nor the insurance he's mandated to keep on his trucks- from his DUI. His 'paid for' truck has dead tags- he hasn't the money for either the tag renewal, nor yearly taxes. Plus he's got several tickets he's not addressed... Damn, it's done hit the fan. We are somewhere near rock bottom. God help me through this. And help him, and help him out of my life.

Another Day

The functional alcoholic has started into that swift decline. Most days I leave for work mid morning, and he's still hold up in his room. Today I got home around 4pm. Drunk and shirtless, Nabal was trying to cook. He could barely stand.  His friends told me it was moon shine and a pill from someone with bipolar disorder, and they were happy- he wasn't smoking his cocaine... Yeah, bent spoons in his room, white powder all over the glass. He's not gotten paid for at least 2 months. I need to pick up more work. I need to get into the gym to get strong enough to pull more hours. He passed out, after falling down several times. He's now on his knees, passed out, torso on the sofa. He was so inebriated he was unintelligible. Except when he yelled how much he liked getting high.

Depressed doesn't begin to describe, because there's no time for depression. Buckle down and try to finish with something to leave the kids. Haha, at least I'll never have the luxury to say I'm too old for anything. I'll go, until I fall. Gonna be a bumpy rise.

Social Interactions

If I say more than 3 sentences. Interact like a normal human being in a neutral fashion. Why does Nabal assume this is an invitation to ask for sex? Assume it means I want to resume an intimate partnership with him?

Nabal has been particularly nice and unusually sober lately. Trying the full court press to get me back to, as he says: be his wife, his little lady.

Bingo! He needs to get a contractor's license. I held one until I realized he doesn't always do business well. He tried to get his own when he first was leaving the marriage for Mary, but his drinking got in the way. He claims the test proctor left and he didn't know how to turn the computer on...

I'm in the process of acquiring another certification and told him no.

Nabal: Can you find out if I can take the class online? Can I just get the book?

Later he asks where can he take the test.
Nabal: Can you find out where I can take it?

This is the man who can find sex partners online. Trolls YouTube for very odd sex acts...yet can't find out about his own business? I call bs! He's trying to suck me into his business. Because...That's what he really needs from me. No more, no less. Oh, and an easy sex receptacle. It's not about me- it's about his needs.

The other day, very drunk: You mean to tell me you haven't slept with anyone? Who can do that?

What a twisted jerk. Heck yeah, I'd rather be other places, with someone else. But...it's just not going to happen...ever. Wasn't an affair. Never so much as went to dinner or talked much beyond old times and old friends.  I'm not free to talk to anyone about a future I don't have. I've let Nabal jerk me around for so long- he wants a divorce, he's leaving, I agree, he's never going to leave, I belong to him, he's never letting me go because he lives me do much. I've just realized it's probably for the best to let everybody and everything go. Everything except my work. Get enough money to take back my possessions. I'm sure there's an easier way...I just don't see it. I'm doing what I can see as right, thought it's probably pitifully backward. I know I desperately need advice...no one to ask. Because when old friends say:

Gosh we haven't talked in so long. Give me a call.

I don't call...and neither do they. It's called social niceties. Trying to be nice to the old friend who needs to move on...but for some reason just won't. It's why I like work- no one knows who I am, what I live with, just another woman with the same career. I do know I drove most friends away in the first years. I was in recovery mode and talked incessantly about my problems. I look back and realize I didn't think people would believe me unless I described everything.. It's a symptom of being constantly questioned and your reality constantly being challenged. So, really no friends. The few still slightly around, I don't really look forward to talking to because they ask how things are. I answer as briefly as possible in a light hearted way. They automatically say I must just leave... Then I find out it's because they are in worse situations and want me to leave so they have somewhere to go... Once they realize that's not happening as fast as they'd like it to...you don't hear from them for a while. Yes, we all look for that savior, that one person who can save us. Grimace, we can only save ourselves. Eh, they say not having friends is unhealthy... I have a dog and two cats. I'm assuming they count as friends.

I've been really wanting to go to the beach... Just to be there helps me pull it together. I've put it off because I'd have to go alone. I'm off week days. So, most people are working. Or at my age I'd have to take someone who complains about all their aging woes, and what they can't do... I'm getting to the point I'll soon just go solo, because I need to be there. Before summer to beat the crowds.

I guess I'm kinda lucky in my weird upbringing. An only child, raised alone in a neighborhood devoid of children. Alone is comfortable. I only miss a few people, but I'm used to giving up people and things. I have a deep well of numbness in me, and always have. When my child wed last year, I had to consciously feel feelings. I was only marginally successful. Seems theater in high school paid off. It would be nice to feel again, but I hold no such hope. Haha, I'd admit to depression, but I just don't allow myself to dwell on it, shove it to that dark place way in the back of my mind and shut the door.

Showing Colors

Last night...
Nabal drunk and drugged out as usual. He needs me with him. He needs me to make us big and rich. His main girl, and I believe he thinks all women, chase money. I don't.

So I asked him to tell me in words what he needed of me.

Be my lady, he says.

Umm, no. Don't trust you at all.

Please, I love you. Be my lady.

Well, I stated I was not looking to pick up any STI.

He swears he had nothing... Um, isn't that how the crap gets spread?

I mentioned his many women and the young black gay men (most say they look like teen boys- their selling point) he communicates with on Craigslist. Finally! He didn't deny that. Just said he wasn't doing that anymore.

Then he says he doesn't want sex. Nope, It's fine, he understands and just needs me to help his business.

Again I ask what he needs, and to tell me in words. This because like little kids, he wants my promise without knowing what it entails. Yeah, no. I'm closing in on 60... Crap!

So, he doesn't want me to work, stay home and do his paperwork.

I do his bills, around my work. Told him I'm not doing his financials, not my strong point. Plus he likes to play fast and loose with any rules.

I told him I like what I do, I like my work.

All of a sudden he reaches out, but never touched, and said- can I play with your boobs? I miss playing with those things. (Laughing) Then he wanted to touch my leg. I told him to stop. Then..He got mad. Tried to be over barring and told me he wasn't playing with me. I told him I wasn't playing either. Then he said he wasn't scared of me.

Huh, I wasn't intending him to be...scared.

This is why I fear. He's one of those, who I truly believe will be violent if..when I try to go. He was leaving, told me several times through the years as he promised his girl Mary he would, but me leaving...unacceptable.

For anyone who says: Oh, just leave abusive situations. This is why people don't! Usually the deaths you see, are when the leaving is finally decided by the abused. That's what sets these crazy ass, narcissistic psychopaths off. This is when they kill! They refuse to let go. Why one man killed the woman's family trying to find her. She left! Not as simple as most would like to think. Oh, and I know you'd leave...I thought so to- before it happened to me.

He always says he wants us to die together... I don't think he cares if it's natural, or something he brings about.

Yup, this is why I fear. This is why I push people away- they get frustrated with me. Do you think I'm not frustrated being here? I've decided I want out, I just haven't figured all the details. My mind still stutters on me sometimes when I try to put things together. I need help figuring things out, but not a soul to ask. No one. I'll figure it eventually. It'll be slow, but eventually.

Warped Reality...

It's sad that what makes a good day off is when the alcoholic, who came in at 4:30 a.m. saying he wanted to sleep with me on the sofa...and finally went away because I didn't engage him at all, awoke at 10 a.m. to drink the day away. At 6 p.m. he decided to come bother me about going to dinner. He now slurs do bad he's unintelligible. Oh, because he's drunk- yet he still keeps talking. He wants me to take his shoes off... Like that would every happen. Finally he takes his own shoes and socks off, then his shirt... And passed out. His stomach is getting round again, even as he lost 10lbs. Woke up viewing his undying love, and how he was going to be the best and make us rich... We were going to dinner, he was going to take a shower...after he rested for a few minutes. And he's down for the count! Going going gone!

This, this little bit of guaranteed peace and quiet makes me deliciously happy. That and going to the park and sitting by a lake to read for my next certification. It is the little things- or there would be nothing. Too often it feels like there really is nothing, and no escape. I fight hopeless every day, and many a sleepless night.

Surreal

Nabal: With the kids gone, when are we going to go do things as a couple? (Slurring drunken half English)

Do you imagine we're some normal couple? And not an an old woman with an alcoholic, cheating husband who asked for a divorce, and when I agreed changed you mind and told me I'd never be allowed to leave? Who when you said you'd never done anything wrong in our marriage, I asked what if I'd have done everything you've done. Your answer- I'd have killed you.

So why should I accept what you do? You didn't kill me, so we're together forever.

Yeah, I want to go places with you... I just don't see me getting out of this alive unless he keels over from some alcohol related issue.

Rearranging life again- new course of study to compliment my profession. I'm trying to live, really I am.