Truth Comes Out

Confabulation or plain old lying?

Nabal couldn't get his friend out of jail because of a weird feeling bad headache. Right?

Headache...must have been the beer.

Didn't feel well= sloppy drunk.

Didn't go pick get him out of jail because he felt so bad- drunks know not to walk into jail high and staggering drunk!

Felt bad and fell asleep= passed out.

Mysterious memory loss= drunken blackout.

And he tried to make it all sounds so mysterious. Tried to get sympathy. He was just doing his usual thing- drink till drunk, pizzas out, blackout. Next day, replay.

Frustrated

I'm driving back to my kids tonight. I don't even think of my house as home. It's mine by virtue of it being heir property. I'm stopping to write at a rest stop...because I really don't want to deal with Nabal.

Last night he left a message. Very business like. Left his name. Like I maybe wouldn't know who it was...

Today he called while I was at work. I really did think to call him and get it over with. I just couldn't bring myself to call.

He called shortly after I got on the road. He started on some long winded story about some guy he worked for years ago. The guy became a missionary to Mexico. The tale telling took forever. Then he asked if I liked the story. Huh? Who the heck asks that? Did I understand what he said. WTF? If course I understand! He wants 'us' to go visit the man and see his efforts. What?! I told him he could go. (Please!) He pressed that 'we' go. Everything he said I just answered- no! I had to go, is been there before.

He's searching for the hook. That one scenario that will drag me back in. That one perfect thing. How crazy is he? He knows I love the Lord. He knows (remembered) I really like the Sierra Madres. He must have thought that was a stroke of brilliance.

Did he really think I'd lose my mind over that story? Fantasy world at its best. Woe for me.

Then he told the story of how Hector was arrested. No license, 3 outstanding tickets... Then there was some convolution. He remembered his head hurting in an odd way, and not feeling well. He was to get Hector out of jail today.  He completely forgot! The man's wife/ex-wife called and he had no recollection...

Was he drinking last night? Don't know. Kids don't know. If not...really bad.

Well, it's late enough. Praying he's asleep.

Women's shelter week for a meeting. Praying for a lead to a good lawyer.

I'm seriously wondering if I let him know what I really know. Would he desist and go on to his next relationship. A girl can hope, but keep reality in site... He'll try to weasel his way out of that.

Like the feeble excuses he gave Mary after their violent encounter. He thinks they are viable reasons to let him remain in ones life. Worked with Mary...but she's hoping for more money to fall from that quarter. I...want nothing more than to never lay eyes on Nabal ever again in life. I wish him well...somewhere else.

Thank you Lord! He's passed out drunk, sitting up in the living room. I walked right past him and turned off all the lights.

Thursday

I've stood my ground firmly. I haven't backed down at all. Divorce, divorce, divorce. The end, the end, the end.

Still he's trying to sit close to me. Put his arm around me. Asks for hugs, kisses pleeeeese Chiquita. But I love you. Confronting about my texting... I was putting names to pictures.

I'm taking pictures of very old family pictures. Putting them on ancestry. Putting them on Facebook. If I don't make it out...I want my family to have these things in free circulation. With notes they don't know.

The last few days...have been and felt like I'm preparing things...For death.

I'm talking to old friends I love dearly without end. Letting them know what's going on. In my mind I'm saying goodbye...in case I have to. I'm talking to my kids. Trying to get across to them what I'd like them to be. How I want them to live, to change things that make life hard. I'm trying to convince them to not underestimate Nabal.

I do enjoyed the happiness and freedom of last week. I knew I was going to be like ole Wiley Coyote- the weight lifted, but it was headed back down even them.

Odd though, this week I uncharacteristically destroyed my glasses. My prescription glasses. They needed replacing bad. Replaced, pick up next week. My battery went almost caput. I'd known for some time I'd need to replace it in the summer. All done.

This all seems so much like I'm being prepared for something. The suspense...

I heard last night that Nabal told the kids he'd passed out in a local club and awoke in an ambulance. Of which he refused service and ran away from.

Wednesday

He's still not believing. We started afresh this morning. Him with bowed head and tentative. He should be on stage...

Last week I was happier than I've been in years. I let it wah over me, because I knew I was staying down a dark path. So I took that moment to be whole again.

Pushing forward, yet feeling relieved because we haven't reached that part where I fear for our lives. I mean, not in an abstract way- but a very tangible, it's here do were push the panic button way.

I can say this is three thing that keeps women in 'situations' the fear and anxiety are gripping. Domestic violence situations hold all the same things- but in a more predictable way. When you leave you never know where the limit well stop. You never know when they will finally reach that corner of 'helplessness' losing control over another. Then allowing the lose of control over themselves. If you won't stay...upper bad, worthless and in their books don't need to go on.

Tuesday

Not knowing that I know what I know, Nabal is trying to lay it on thick. "No one but you baby. 7 years is nothing to the 23 we have together. I can't be the man I should without you. I don't blame any of this on you. You don't want me anymore. You're going to throw us away. I drink because I'm bored without you in my life. Do you like your kids? Do you like me? Can you just be my friend. We should stay together as friends. My heart is breaking here. Come back to me, let me prove myself. I tried to stop drinking, but can't without you."

On the other hand:
This wasn't all me, I f-ed up but you f-ed up to you know- bad. You need to stay home and I'll take care of everything. I know you went through my phone...I know you used to. You never loved or cared for me. If you did goes could you do this to me. Never have I ever had any other woman. (He did not inhale, nor did he have sex with that woman- haha)

I was listening between the lines. (lies) He was getting angry but calming himself. That happened whenever his well rehearsed dialogue didn't make me give in. Even repent my 'meanness' towards him. Mean equals any time I stand up for myself. Anytime I don't swallow his lies hook, line and sinker. Mean is anything that goes against what he wants.

I'm kinda afraid right now. I think when he finally believes me, he'll flip. I'm just not sure at what point he'll believe me. When he will finally believe his cajoling really won't some day change my mind. I fear for the kids. I fear for myself.

God please protect us. He asked flat out if there was any chance that I'd 'be his wife again' ever. I told him clearly- no. I fear.

He apologized for being over jealous... I think, he's in some way apologizing for that Mary incident,  not to her but to me. Maybe he feels as long as he apologizes to some woman...it counts.

I heard him come in tonight. Maybe, just maybe, he wants to be put out so he can say truthfully that he was. To play on the next's sympathies. He sounded pretty happy- running around giggling to himself.

Getting Dates Straight

Text wars happened: February 7, 2015

Mary's texts accusing rape: February 15, 2015

Valentine's day maybe?

Nabal asks for a black dating hook up: March 10, 2015

Same day he asked Mary to 'give herself to him' he missed her.

Oh and said sorry...He drank you much and felt bad about his life...

Ah, same old circumstantial apologies. He's sorry, but it really want his fault.

All this truly baffles me... How can she continue talking to him? How loosely they continue to bring up his 'man of God' status and trade blessings on each other's days... I just can't wrap my mind around any of it.

Not going to begin to try. That's their weirdness, not mine.

Smoking Gun?

Well... Last night Nabal was very, very drunk. He passed out trying to convince me of his love, threatening, anger. He'd awakened me around 3:30 a.m.

Yup I looked for his phone. Figured nothing was there since the text wars between Mary and my kids. No phone. Finally he staggered upstairs. He had Pablo in the house so I want going looking. Couldn't fall asleep went to the bathroom. Phone! Like a gift! Thank you Lord!

First message from Mary. Evidently Nabal followed Mary and had some sorry of encounter with her while she was with another man she...keeps time with.

Important, Nabal was not Mary's escort for the new years party. It was this man. He had hit her around Xmas- ergo family displeasure at his being at the party.

Mary accused Nabal of rape. Said she still had the condom from the deed and was going to have him arrested. Oddest language- she was saying how disappointed she was in his actions since they were friends. Oh, and he was a man of God... how she'd kept their friendly relationship a secret since he was married.

Rape! WTF? He never denied it. Just replied with obscenities. By the first of March they were back to chatting and lol-ing. Somewhere in there he did ask her to not talk about what happened between them with other people, but keep it between the two of them. She admitted they were cheating. Nabal asked Mary to hook him up with one of her girlfriends. A black one.

Again, WTF?

Nabal told Isela that he was now single. Her reply- What happened? Did she catch you cheating?
Nabal- too many ladies. But what I need it's a woman friend I can talk to.

Nabal was overheard saying he was moving to Borger, TX.

Nabal told some woman on Facebook that he was getting a divorce.

So tell me why today he was acting like a wounded soul. Wanting a hug. Wanting to talk. How much he loves me. (Almost laughed aloud) He kept trying to touch me. (Creeped me out.) Wanted to wash where he touched. He forced himself on a woman! He told her because she's been doing the same thing to him for years to get money. (Figuratively I'm guessing) Oh but I believe he did it. He never denied it at all.

Just hope somehow what I've gathered can get an at fault divorce so this doesn't have to go on for years.

I was never quite sure, but nite I am. He's actually worse that I'd ever wanted to think.

Lawyers here I come!

My Changing Mindset

Over the last few weeks my mindset had changed. I've used the 'D' word in constructive sentences with Nabal. He's been acting like a child scolded vaying for attention. He's not believing me.

He hasn't changed...accused me of believing he was a 'bad' person. Believing that he was 'messing' with women when he was innocent. (I've seen proof.) I'm breaking his heart.

Every time I return home...I have to start all over again. He wants a hug. A kiss. Can we sleep together?

He's trying to wear me down... I've started thinking of him as my 'soon to be ex'. It has changed my whole outlook. I'm planning places if I need to hide. He's started asking where exactly I live. Says he's going to appear...so we can sleep together. Why have I never invited him up...? Where I live- hard to find, out in the boonies. Where I work? Very easy, a landmark place. So I may need to jump and run.

Need a P.O. Box. Need to get in to a lawyer now the weather is better.

This is my 4th year out of training. This is my 7th year since this all got too much to handle and I crept out of the fog. First year, I was hoping things would get better. Through that year my eyes were opened and Nabal sank deeper. Second year, I was jarred with reality and concluded that my thoughts the year before were correct- this needed to end.

It took so very long to get back to myself. I'd tried to fit in. Do anything to help Nabal and his family. Being him nothing but good. Yes I fell short all the time. I was doing the love is a choice. It is and can be done. Until it's thrown back in your face one too many times. I could choose it now. Maybe I'm wrong...but I'm done.

It felt like clawing my way to the surface again. I'd twisted and contorted myself to make another happy. I lost so much of me. I still have yet to get it all back...Maybe I never will.

Now, I fell like I can breathe again. My self preservation is back. Back in full swing.

I want to live again. I want to love again. I want my kids to be normal if possible. I want to live without fear, without hopelessness. I want to live.

Finally embracing that one can only change ones self. I'd not change, regain.

Altered Perceptions

"Why don't you like me anymore?  You think I'm bad. You ate treating me badly. You have to let me finish what I started."

And what is it you need to finish?

"When I married you..."

Oh, but you have finished it.

Nabal had to tell me the story of Jacob.  (A very bad bible boy.) So he could lecture me on God's forgiveness. He told me I think he's bad.  Bad because I 'thought' he was messing with a bunch of women.  But he was not. 

I had to laugh.  If I hadn't seem the proof... I'd be feeling bad.  Nabal informed me that,  "it wasn't as bad as I remember any of it. "

Again,  if I didn't have pictures,  forwards, and my own writing as proof.

He tried to tell me he was just doing what I did in my 20's... and I wasn't there to help him through it... What?

Oh,  in my 20's...I wasn't married!

He just came downstairs. "This is not over!" (Very angry tone) If he goes, he'll take the kids.  I'll be sorry. So much 'we' never taught them. 

He just finished telling a visiting friend of the kids... how dark he is.  Just crazy drunk crap.

Yeah,  he's going to get unbearable.  He feels slighted.  He feels he deserves unlimited chances. Only one night home this week, and I just don't want to be here. 

He asked where I lived again. I told him- atop a mountain. He's trying to figure out if he could appear one night and ask around.  He once asked if there were many Spanish there. Nope. He asked why wouldn't I invite him up for some loving. He's trying to figure a way to drop in on me.  I live in the wilderness.  Even with an address, gps will only bring you within miles.  I may need to cut and run from my job.  That, is easy to find. I'll head further into the sticks and find a new job. I'm pretty dang marketable. Even in the sticks.

My girl told me he's still hunting for information on the conversation with Mary.  Caught in his own net I'd say.