Tax Day

The day you bite the bullet and do the drunk's business taxes (even though you are not a tax preparer) so you don't lose you're house when the drunk gets in trouble.

Get it somewhere close and together so he will finally take them to be done.

This has been going on since January! Me telling him to get his things together and go early. Him 3 weeks ago pulling out the old adding machine to find it broken. Bought a new one...that I now get to use.

Got to figure out how to get my name off his company! And his name off my house!!

Petty Tactics

You're stuck down at the bottom. Down on the ground, and you're trying to keep me here with you. -Nabal

That was said when I wouldn't quit my job and work in his deli. Last week his deli very abruptly closed. He made a bad judgment call, got into it with the owner. (to whom Nabal lent $5000!) He did report that the man was harsh. I was thinking at the time: Someone not to do business with, and that it would end badly.

The man has an Asian wife that he berates as she works in his store.

The story goes that the man's rather large dog died. He asked Nabal to transport it to his father's farm. The dog had been dead in its crate for several days. (Probably because the man has no friends because of his personality.)

Nabal got to the farm where three father had a backhoe dug hole waiting. Nabal backed up to it and flipped the cage into said hole. The man, who was present, went ballistic. I'm a dog lover...I get it.

Now Nabal...did not understand. He doesn't understand crating animals when you aren't home. He sees it as abuse. He asked me what else he could have done. Well there were four men there...all he had to do was ask the owner. Just bad, adle minded, alcohol soaked bad judgment! Then he stopped by the store, which he did not have to do. Three guy wanted to fight. I reminded him nicely that the man, by Nabal's admission, was a rather rough person. Nabal's response: I'm not his wife! Telling...very telling.

Last night, sloshed as usual. Nabal decided to profess his undying love... He said much that included he'd never abuser me again. Mind you I have never accused him to his face of abuse. Also reminding that he mentioned abuse even before I put it together... He woke me from sleep. He was sitting on the sofa, very much invading my space trying to drunkenly embrace me while belching in my face. Bleck!! Then says I'm acting as if he has abused me. He finally stalked off saying he did not abuser his wife. He would never beat his wife!

Bares out Mr.Bancroft. One abusers style upsets another abuser. As long ad its not physical...it's not abuse for Nabal. As long as he's not brow beating, it's not abuse. His style? Misguided love...product of his upbringing. He uses all the excuses, just never tries to change anything. He said last night if I really wanted him to stop drinking- I'd need to come home and not work. But all in all, he'd be hard on all of us. Very hard.

I personally believe he knows. Knows what he does. Knows how he used to make me feel...us feel. After all he was the one that gave me the clue. The clue by the way I did not pick up on! But I now believe he was worried. I was just looking at the alcoholism and going to ALANON meetings and reading their booka. I couldn't understand why they were mostly urging to remain unless it would stop them possibly. Why and how so many were still madly in live with their drunks... I think, looking back, if it were only drinking...I could have possibly loved through some of it. It was the reading of the excerpts from 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft, that a wonderful woman posted on an online alcoholic support group. That was ringing truer. Once I read that alcohol doesn't make people mean, rather abusers use alcohol as a shield! I got it! The book and the concept.

Nabal is still trying to get me to come home and be dependent. At the beginning the year he had more than $20,000 in his checking account. He dislikes savings accounts... He now has a few hundred and bounced a check not long ago. Money runs away from this man. I pull about $2,000 a month for house bills. Money was constantly coming in...

Tax time! I have to take back my complaint. He took the taxes to a preparer. Oh what a mess! I wouldn't even sign the check for that.he put himself down as single for starters. He went to a hispanic preparer. I won't cast dispersion on every hispanic tax preparer, but there is a certain class... Last time he felt with some like her- he owed $5,000 to the IRS. They deduct stuff that haven't been deductible in decades. Some other people who used the preparers owed twice that. They are making money on the heads of their own people who can't do business themselves!

That Strange Coat

That strange coat and the comforter, to this day day still languish in the living room. I finally asked Nabal whose coat it was. He started the story blaming our boy. Not exactly blaming, but setting it all up as- if it weren't for him talking to the lady...nothing that ensued would have happened. Tricky...

The woman is the mother of a boy he went to school with. Nothing explaining how Nabal got into that whole conversation. She was old, could barely make it...he had to invite her in to take a load off. She had no where to go... So she sat down.

I ran that description by the kids-all a big fat lie.

I let him get further into his story before I called him out on the fact that they were all partying till 5a.m. Funny he stumbled for words, his eyes went crazy looking for help. Finally he replied, yes, but only because I wasn't with him. Good play, but not good enough!

The next thing you know in comes another woman. A woman from Baltimore...with a big wide butt who wanted to go to his room. Oh, but he wasn't wanting all that!

But you drank with then? You let them into our house? Don't you think you need to check your drinking doing questionable things like that?

No. It's because I'm lonely. I need you, I need you to love me. (he was down on his knees...) Not diverting this conversation!

"Do you know that other woman asked to go to the bathroom and when I looked all my money was gone! She got $1,500! No, I'd spent $500, so she stole $1,000 from my night stand! It was a set up I'd forgotten about from the old days. (Payback is a bitch...) Then she comes out and says she doesn't like the house and is leaving. Never thought of it until I realized my money was gone."

No...this doesn't only happen in movies. What went on from there was him explaining to me how it was at the core my fault...but he could forgive.

I pointed out that he'd left everything as I'd he had no part in it, why? His reply was- So that you could see what had happened. Still all laying there... Everything left like the woman just stood up.

I didn't mention the driving of the 'other' woman to the bootleg after hours beer joint, and he didn't include that either. That's for a later rehashing to get him more flustered.

It's spring, I need to get over that pull my house has. I plan to do, then once I walk in a shadow comes over me. I want to do nothing at all. All of us feel it. It lulls us- your tired, nothing will help, it's too much to conquer. Got to put on my big girl panties and unload the house! It's like a weight, an anchor pulling me down to dreamy depths. Convinced I'll never overcome it. Need a shake up! One thing I've got to shake- whenever anything is accomplished Nabal commanders it as something done expressly for him... Got to shake caring about that. The house is dusty and dirty and filled with things from years gone by that need to go. So we can all breath again and function like humans! We've let it all, I've let it all take a toll on my dignity. It has to stop here, or I'll die like this- stuck where I don't want to be, secluding myself, damaging the kids more. Thus has to be a year of strength. I'll work through the summer where I am, looking for something...closer? It's time to be done with all this. Time to move on literally and figuratively.

Monday

I have been holding off, ducking, writing. Not because there's not something to put down in words, but because I had to let it all sink in.

It's procrastination time! Tax time does make time run faster... Or easier to find more junk to fill time.

Nabal is fairly out of control. His answer, to me at least, is all he needs is me in his bed and everything will become normal again. I'm the sole cause, impetus and reason behind all of his behavior.

I was met several weeks ago upon arriving home by kids with a story. At onset I assumed Nabal had had another party in the house. But...

Beyond my wildest imaginations... My girl was asleep before an early morning work shift. my boy was out on the back patio with a few of his friends around the fire. They heard a loud crash around the corner, and when they looked up there was Nabal tearing up the street in his little red truck. Seconds later Nabal pulled said truck into the back yard. He and another very drunk man stumbled out. They were running from the police!

There were no police. The story went- He, Nabal, had been at a club downtown dancing and partying with young men our son's age. For some reason (drunks don't need much of one) Nabal got into a fight with some guy at the club. The bouncers/security tried to break it up- Nabal beat up the security guard... The police were called.

Enter Nabal fleeing from the nonexistent police when he crashed into a parked car...and left the scene. This was a little after 2a.m.

Miracle of miracles, no one saw anything... Why is it that he leads a charmed life?

Our boy took him to task. As Nabal gleefully told his story the teenager caught him up short pointing out how he had just hit someone's property. Nabal's response: What do I care?! Not my problem.

The teen let years of suppressed issues fly. This is a kid who counted on fairness as a child. He pointed out that they should have had this talk years ago, but as he being a teen son and Nabal being 50, he should be the lecturee, not the lecturer. He hit on Nabal running around with teens while acting like one himself. Driving drunk, then ridiculously drunk. Getting into fights. Smoking weed in front of them since they could remember. He told Nabal that if he needed to be a teen, he could very well leave.

Nabal was shocked! "But if I leave you won't have me to help you anymore! You'll be nothing with no one to love you!"

Nabal decided he needed to taker his very drunk friend home. (the audience of him being berated) The guy could barely stand, but he knew enough to know Nabal was to drunk to drive. Nabal jumped into his Amigo (yes the one that has never been fixed correctly to take on the road...) Telling the guy to "shut up and get in."

The boys had to physically remove Nabal from the vehicle to stop him. They afterwards took the man home.

The argument with Nabal continued until 5 in the morning... Nabal did threaten to fight the boy. (Yes, his son who he sees as a threat now and always.) Thank God his friends were there.

When asked why he confronted the drunk he replied: Whenever I wait until the next day he denies everything!

Nabal also tried his sure fire tactic of dredging up the past to shame the other person and divert the conversation. Sorry the whole mess happened, but validation is a good feeling. It is his go to maneuver!

Meanwhile last week, not realizing I knew the story, Nabal asked me to track down a rear and front bumper for his truck... I feigned ignorance and asked why. Nabal replied, "Someone hit it." By someone, he means himself. By hit it, he means he hit it into something else... Oh the web of lies! Needless to say, I did nothing.

The worst is that we don't see how well trained we are. No police were called to report him... I told my boy to watch his back. Nabal won't let this go. I saw it in his eyes later.

That same boy left his teen years behind. I had a little gathering for a few of his old friends. Nabal stumbled in at midnight, oblivious to the date and barely walking. He made an ass of himself. He always has to be the life of the party, the coolest one there. Our girl got him on video asking her if his newly procured weed was any good... An hour later he was chastising her for smoking weed... Crazy making!

Enough for one sitting. I hate to write this... Why can't we fight back against one drunk? Why do we bend and break the laws of decency to protect a person who uses us all up and spits us out? For his only love.

Thursday

I'm rest broken. Nabal was very drunk every night I was home. His new thing is to come downstairs late at night to profess his undying love...

How the heck does he drink till 3 every night, yet can still get up early every morning?! That two ended candle has to come with a steep price...

Last night was not good... Nabal kept coming downstairs, and every time with a different personality. It started with him advising me that I was his wife. Also that I had to have his approval to go anywhere. WTH? He immediately chuckled and said he was joking. Just odd.

He came back later stumbling. Sat down and tried to hug me. Saying again I was his wife and he wanted me in his life. Then he started going on and on about sex. Suddenly he said I belonged to him... Then got very handsie, aggressive and groping. I pushed him away and said stop. He did desist, then asked why I was always so mad. Why I was always hitting and slapping him. ??? That did make me mad! I told him I had never hit or slapped him. He said, you just did, you're abusive. I said (minds working putting it all together) I pushed you away, I did not hit you nor slap you, nor have I ever. From there he went on to say I was the problem. He was going to get me the way he wanted and I'd be happy. I was stuck in a hole and he wasn't going to stay stuck there with me. He was leaving!

He stomped off upstairs where I heard much coming and going from his room and out the front door. It got quiet then I heard him stir again. He again came back downstairs... I love you baby. Please please please come sleep with me tonight. Huh?

Game explanation: scare me, try to make me feel I'm the bad abuser. Return the benevolent accepting wronged lover. He disappeared and pass out. Thank goodness!

Move to today:
There was a coat thrown in a chair in the living room that was unfamiliar to me. I asked my girl if it was her brother's. (I was a little put out that he'd left it crumpled there.) She said she did not know. I said I'd ask my boy. (He purchased good coats this winter and I was going to get on him for not taking care of them.) Shopping tonight with both of them it came to my mind. He said it was not his, but want acting quite right. I continued to ask until he cracked.

Over the weekend he had been standing in front of the house talking with some of his friends. (it's what you do when your dad is a drunk who feels the need to commander all the young men to teach them manliness in off color stories) Some woman walking down three street stopped to ask them for a cigarette. While giving her one they saw Nabal come bouncing out the house. "And who is this pretty lady?" My boy explained that the woman was neither pretty, nor a lady. She was by sight a crack addict. Next thing you know he took her in our house. Later another woman joined them. (for a little party) At 3a.m. Nabal had our boy drive one of the women to a bootleg beer place. He said once he got back he had to sleep. He figured if the crack whores wanted to steal anything they just would... At 5a.m. Nabal was needing more beer... One crack head slept on the sofa...the other one? No one knows.

He knew they were crack heads as they were talking about crack, and one was itchy and cold. My girl said when she saw them come in...she knew it was time for her to go. Did she? Yes she did- went and spent the night with a friend.

Of course he will deny everything. Next week I will ask him who's coat it is. Just like I know nothing. Just to see what he'll say.

Again I repeat- his ONLY love is alcohol. Not family, not his own character. (who you are when you think no one its watching)

Now what? Do I need to put up cameras? In my state, unless I have physical proof, there is no adultery.

He and Isela still talk often. She, not realizing Nabal had given his smart phone to our boy when his broke, sent her picture to him. Imagine his surprise! At least she was clothed this time...

And yet Nabal says he does nothing wrong ever!

I still can't figure if the kids were trying to protect Nabal or my feelings... They shouldn't have to do either.

Nabal is opening a deli in a gas station. He has a friend doing all the work. I told him now her really needs a bookkeeper. Maybe once he realizes he no longer needs me to do that for him, he'll move on.

All this comes at a time when I was feeling frustrated, tired and wondering if I were in the wrong. Every time I get to this point, something comes along to prove I'm not wrong in my thinking, remembrances and beliefs. It's just taking so dang long to be done with all of this.

Tuesday

Aaaaaaaahhhhhh! He's trying to suck me in again!

Now Nabal its opening a deli in the infamous gas station. Yes that gas station... He wants to open this weekend! His resume: He had never worked in a restaurant! And knows nothing about running one. He asked if I could make him flyers, make him a sign... Did I want to go look at the space. He is going to employe our girl. Why yes, she does already have Job and dislikes food service, her first job.

He wanted to know if I knew of a slaughter house west of town. You know, the one some guy tools him about. He wants heads for his tacos.

Thus could very well be a nightmare! He has no food handling health license of any kind. I'm sure hasn't spoken to the city, board of health, nothing. He is a person who flaunts rules. They stand in his way. He's going to gather some guys who cook well. Undoubtably, some drinking buddies.

I hope he does do well. Really! First lady that bats her lashes at him, he'll be gone.

Ok, I am avoiding bring depressed. I try to find that happy medium of working towards getting out of this mess, and not dwelling on the fact that I'm not being listened to. Its hard, scary and confusing. This change in Nabal, not really a change per se but a change in strategy, is hard to grasp. That is until he gets drunk and claims he's never done anything against me. Its me who has been a vile person he has had to live with. Fine, I'm ready and willing for a divorce. No...I love you and we are going to die together. We need to stick together for the kids. I'll fall apart and become a bum and it'll be all your fault. I'm making money again, now you'll like me better.

I know its all a head game. I know its just his shifting from point to point trying to find a soft spot. I keep the game face if front of him, its when I'm alone in my thoughts with no sounding boards that I crack. That I feel the waves crashing, the undertow. The hopeless feelings that any fight is futile. That even if I manage to get out he'll not let it rest. Its the unknown, the what if. Here it is again the big roadblock in my life- fear. To overcome fear, I adopt numbness. Has my life failed because of fear and giving up far too easily? In retrospect...yes. Some people seem to get second chances, my screwups always seem to be set in stone. If I don't get it right the first time, it's done. Maybe because I have had to accept so much as a child I learned not to feel. I remember crying myself to sleep every night because I felt unwanted. I had to live somewhere else, away from my family. At 8 you can't grasp that you are caught in another's life lesson. All I could see was that though I knew I was loved by some, no over could help.

I know...get over it. I have pushed it all down for so many years. There's only one person in life I ever came closer to telling it all to. Most people don't have time or inclination to care. I think I come off so 'normal' they either believe I've gotten through or don't want to deal with it. I wasn't abused. Many people have come through worse. The friend I disclosed what I realized at the time so long ago to this day explains me as broken. Broken inside. That about sums it up.

I know I need insight. I know I need help. I've tried duct tape. Humor, deep deep down, I do think that's the only way most people will accept me. When 'Tears of A Clown' comes on the radio. When 'Comfortably Numb' starts...I feel understood. Mostly I feel I'm being a cry baby, and not putting on my big girl panties and doing what I need to do. Not just getting over old news and dealing with it. How do I do that?

I can remember as long as I can testing new friends. Pushing them away, being argumentative. I don't consciously think of it as a test. Inside I'm aghast! But i can't stop myself. I think at that point I feel attachment to them, I push. Why? To see if they'll stay... Not a good way to live. It's a broken way.