Friday

I was so outdone last night. tapping the screen of my little ipod for about an hour only to have it crash... What got me was that blogger saved nothing. I know they used to auto save every few minutes. Just a fitting end to a crap day.

I'm not one to eat my sorrows away usually, but I found out something new tonight: Ben & Jerry's 'Coffee Heath Bar" ice cream eaten with a 85% cocao bar does make the world feel better!

So yesterday Nabal was like a petulant child wanting attention. "Please, please, please will you give me a hug?" He was even walking like a toddler. I know I seem a bitch to some, but he is a person who if I relented and gave a hug out of pity, or to just be human, he would never stop there. It's not about love...it's a power struggle. He wanted all the trappings of the day...just because.

I think back, never has he done anything for the day. I was always the one surprising him with some nice sentiment. Why? I drank the koolaid that he was working so hard and didn't have time. What a putz I was! People have time to do what they want to do. There is the root problem. He always expects, but never offers more than cheap words speaking further expectations.

Last night he came downstairs, "Why don't you come upstairs and sleep with me?" I've been down here, on the couch for 2 years! Oh sure...I didn't know that was an option! No...! "Ok, I'll come down here and sleep with you." Hell, that ain't happening either. He even asked "Why?" I should let him read this blog... he'd just deny any of it happened... He announced he was going to bed. I was polite. I said goodnight. "How about a big kiss for poppy?" WTF? "Come on just a little kiss." Somewhere here reality takes a left turn into his fantasy land. I have not wavered. I have never slipped to make him think I may change my mind. I have made it fairly clear that next year I am not going to be here and he can go wherever he wants, with whoever he wants to be with. The ONLY reason I am here is so my daughter can graduate. He has us in a bind through lies he's set up. After she's clear I'm clear. I need to go farther afield for a job, but can't because she has to be dropped at school and picked up. She has to get to work and home. There is not another soul I can count on for that. (people keep a distance from crazy relationships) Just Sunday I was going to pick her up from work as he was coming home from his church. Naturally he asked where I was going. When I told him he says, "She should have called me. I was right up there." Yeah, and she has been working pretty much every Sunday and getting off at the same time for over a year now. Why is it always us who are dropping the ball. Why is it always me who is mad because I don't want to play his game. yesterday he asked over and over if I was feeling good. Thank God I'm no hypochondriac, he'd probably have me thinking I was sick.

Tricky thing here: If I call him on anything, I must be mad. If I don't seem thrilled he has said I love you, I'm mad. He asks every day has our daughter gone to school. She goes every day! He sounds hurt, "I just wanted to talk..."

I fight internally all the time, there is still deep down a twinge of pity. If I just go back to sleep, forget all that has happened. He will be happy again and... And everyone else will be betrayed! Its old patterns, how I made it this long in this crazy life with Nabal. What keeps me strong? All his play acting and affection begging yesterday was a farce. When I was here he was studying up for his bible study. Looking for the world like a latin "Father Knows Best" sweater and glasses in place. I went for the computer this morning and it was on his account. (He doesn't know how to shut it down. Lucky me!) Looking back, every time I left the house yesterday (taking princess to work, getting groceries for his men's group- of which 1 showed up, and picking up said princess) he was cruising Zoosk every time for women! Strength restored, thank you!

I have plans to work 2 hours away about 3 days a week and here for the other 3 until the July. I can consolidate my clients into those days and make triple at the other job. I would just go there for the week, but my boss is expecting... Then I have to wait until my daughter graduates. Always on someone else's plan. I am going to endeavor not to be this damn nice again. I've done my stint. I need big bucks to support myself for whatever time I have left here. Then leave a little for the kids.

So, big plans for a little girl... I imagine things, the way they should be...but nothing ever turns out. I feel at times like my life is cursed, start to finish. Life passes me by as I plod along. I pass up the good things, look back in regret. Such is my life. Yeah...guess I'm still a tad depressed. Up and at it! Money doesn't buy happiness, but it does buy a nice house to sit alone in. Right now it's the best I can look forward to.