Saturday

Tonight it's Nabal 'The Innocent' talking out of his beer bottle. For the last 2 weeks he has been hosting men's bible studies here at the house. With that and me showing up at his church social I think he thinks I'm going to come back around. I kinda thought he had been drinking when he first came home. He was convinced we were all hungry and was trying to be very solicitous. Later he's trying to push food. Burrito? No. Cookie? No. Milk? Noooo... "Come up and sleep with poppy. Please, please, please, please!" He came back later, "Is that comfortable to sleep on?  Why you start sleeping there?" Number 1, I don't engage drunk alcoholics in pointless conversations. (that would mean any conversation they indicate while drinking) Number 2, he knows why I left my bed. I also knew that I'd I didn't answer him I'd find the angle he was driving at. Finally he said, "You just don't like poppy no more?". 

Later he came down the stairs. I just pretended to be asleep. I could hear he was just standing on the stairs. Finally I hear him ask why the cat was washing herself. (no I did not laugh.) "Hey, come sleep with poppy."

I find it so strange he refers to himself in the third person...consistently. Well, when he's drunk or high. He never used to. I almost think he is trying to portray himself as poor misunderstood waif. 

To set the record straight. (in case I hadn't before) The reason I left my room and bed and never returned is because I was asleep an Nabal tried to sexually assault me while I slept. He was drunk, the pain woke me, I threw him off my back, yelled at him, walked out the room and never returned. 

He said he'd leave the room and sleep on the sofa. I never acknowledged a word. So why didn't I let him leave? My little sofa is narrow, only room for one person. I feel safe. There is another bed down here in the basement. It is a bedroom. He has asked if I wouldn't be more comfortable there. He has also told me he would make the bed and we could sleep there. Anywhere with enough room for another body, he would find a way and reason to try to occupy that space. I known how his mind works and the way he plays his game. The sofa is fine thank you. 

Nabal tipped his hand when he started spiraling out of control. He said he was tired of church, of trying to make me happy. I never once tried to make him go to church. I invited him once. He went and never left. Down here he did not pursue a church. I never said a word, nor did I track down churches as hints. I prayed and he went in search of his bible and started reading . He asked me whether I knew of any Spanish churches. He went, he got involved. I went with him, and to the church I was going to at the time. When he started drinking heavily he told me he he faked all of it just to make me happy. So...is he faking it again in hopes I'll be so very relieved I'll reconcile? Big fat hairy chance. He showed and said all through this that it's all an ego trip for him. He doesn't realize that alone I would not be hating his existence an longing to leave. (I know doesn't sound very charitable) It's what he did, to the kids, to me with the mind games. Then the cheating, he's still searching, and when he finds someone...he will be back to his old nasty, soul killing self.

That's the funniest thing. When he had the upper hand, he was always trying to tear my esteem apart. He'd jump from one subject to another searching for the one that would hit a nerve. Now he acts as if I have wounded him. He's like a pane of glass. I see straight through the façade.

Wednesday

Tonight I came home to our girl finally cleaning her room out to get the double bed from the basement moved in to replace the oooooold twin she's slept on for years, that has needed a new mattress. For some years now. 

Nabal makes cracks about seeing her floor and wonders if she's moving to the basement too... He talked pretty big that he and our boy would move all the heavy parts. When we moved the last item we had to laugh. Nabal had passed out and my boy wasn't home. My girl looked at me and said, "Yeah, men at work." ie, doing nothing. Way to important to get drunk or be out in the street. 

I knew when he started talking that he was full of it. Then comes to tell me I need to put the dogs on a diet. But he speaks in a chastising tone. He can go blow...

Monday

Why, oh why did I say yes? Nabal had asked earlier in the week if I would accompany him to a meal after his church service. He said it was a special dinner for couples. I said no...more than a few times. Finally he wore me down and I said yes just to get him to stop begging. I really thought he wouldn't remember. .. Well he did. In fact he not only remembered, but kept driving home that I had promised. I went late, but I did go. Haha! All those folks were looking at me like I was the poor heathen wife. Of course...never attending church with wonder brother Nabal. They don't even consider that I have a church. I'm very active in my church. Have been for more than 10 years. I went to both churches every Sunday for a majority of those years. He never wanted to come to my church, just wanted me to come to his church and teach the kids, which I gladly did until I realized that no one else would even help.  Well, my mistake for making a promise to a person who uses them to his favor. 

He was so upset when it looked like I wasn't going. (and I wasn't) I kinda got a bit angry. How many times had he promises to go to one of the kid's events and: never showed, came and left early, arrived drunk. He always had an excuse. He didn't like whatever the activity was. He didn't go to soccer because he only likes professional games. (your kids are playing) He didn't go to most music concerts because he didn't like the music... He didn't go to their graduations, except for middle school. And I remember calling and calling to make sure he made it. Our boy didn't attend his high school graduation because he didn't want Nabal there grinning and looking like a proud dad when he never acted the part. I'm pretty sure our girl will attend her graduation. She actually has friends that Nabal hasn't had the chance to poopoo. She's luck in a sense being a girl, she's inconsequential to him. Though he dislikes her friends when he sees them. It's usually not an outright dislike, but little digs and barbs. Jerk!

Friday

I was so outdone last night. tapping the screen of my little ipod for about an hour only to have it crash... What got me was that blogger saved nothing. I know they used to auto save every few minutes. Just a fitting end to a crap day.

I'm not one to eat my sorrows away usually, but I found out something new tonight: Ben & Jerry's 'Coffee Heath Bar" ice cream eaten with a 85% cocao bar does make the world feel better!

So yesterday Nabal was like a petulant child wanting attention. "Please, please, please will you give me a hug?" He was even walking like a toddler. I know I seem a bitch to some, but he is a person who if I relented and gave a hug out of pity, or to just be human, he would never stop there. It's not about love...it's a power struggle. He wanted all the trappings of the day...just because.

I think back, never has he done anything for the day. I was always the one surprising him with some nice sentiment. Why? I drank the koolaid that he was working so hard and didn't have time. What a putz I was! People have time to do what they want to do. There is the root problem. He always expects, but never offers more than cheap words speaking further expectations.

Last night he came downstairs, "Why don't you come upstairs and sleep with me?" I've been down here, on the couch for 2 years! Oh sure...I didn't know that was an option! No...! "Ok, I'll come down here and sleep with you." Hell, that ain't happening either. He even asked "Why?" I should let him read this blog... he'd just deny any of it happened... He announced he was going to bed. I was polite. I said goodnight. "How about a big kiss for poppy?" WTF? "Come on just a little kiss." Somewhere here reality takes a left turn into his fantasy land. I have not wavered. I have never slipped to make him think I may change my mind. I have made it fairly clear that next year I am not going to be here and he can go wherever he wants, with whoever he wants to be with. The ONLY reason I am here is so my daughter can graduate. He has us in a bind through lies he's set up. After she's clear I'm clear. I need to go farther afield for a job, but can't because she has to be dropped at school and picked up. She has to get to work and home. There is not another soul I can count on for that. (people keep a distance from crazy relationships) Just Sunday I was going to pick her up from work as he was coming home from his church. Naturally he asked where I was going. When I told him he says, "She should have called me. I was right up there." Yeah, and she has been working pretty much every Sunday and getting off at the same time for over a year now. Why is it always us who are dropping the ball. Why is it always me who is mad because I don't want to play his game. yesterday he asked over and over if I was feeling good. Thank God I'm no hypochondriac, he'd probably have me thinking I was sick.

Tricky thing here: If I call him on anything, I must be mad. If I don't seem thrilled he has said I love you, I'm mad. He asks every day has our daughter gone to school. She goes every day! He sounds hurt, "I just wanted to talk..."

I fight internally all the time, there is still deep down a twinge of pity. If I just go back to sleep, forget all that has happened. He will be happy again and... And everyone else will be betrayed! Its old patterns, how I made it this long in this crazy life with Nabal. What keeps me strong? All his play acting and affection begging yesterday was a farce. When I was here he was studying up for his bible study. Looking for the world like a latin "Father Knows Best" sweater and glasses in place. I went for the computer this morning and it was on his account. (He doesn't know how to shut it down. Lucky me!) Looking back, every time I left the house yesterday (taking princess to work, getting groceries for his men's group- of which 1 showed up, and picking up said princess) he was cruising Zoosk every time for women! Strength restored, thank you!

I have plans to work 2 hours away about 3 days a week and here for the other 3 until the July. I can consolidate my clients into those days and make triple at the other job. I would just go there for the week, but my boss is expecting... Then I have to wait until my daughter graduates. Always on someone else's plan. I am going to endeavor not to be this damn nice again. I've done my stint. I need big bucks to support myself for whatever time I have left here. Then leave a little for the kids.

So, big plans for a little girl... I imagine things, the way they should be...but nothing ever turns out. I feel at times like my life is cursed, start to finish. Life passes me by as I plod along. I pass up the good things, look back in regret. Such is my life. Yeah...guess I'm still a tad depressed. Up and at it! Money doesn't buy happiness, but it does buy a nice house to sit alone in. Right now it's the best I can look forward to.

Valentine's Day

So... I've been here 50 some odd years and this day has always eluded me. Not one memorable.

Today Nabal has his bible study. He called this morning to ask if I would make tortilla soup for the fellows. He comes in mid day and asks if I'm going to hug him...WTF? Then he asks why. Then asks me again if I am going to hug him. I have slept in the basement the last 2 years... Suddenly some commercial day is going to make me 'come to my senses'? Same crap every year. Wondering what 'I' am going to do for him. I don't really give a rats tail anymore, about anything. Got the kids chocolates. This year I'm my pretty girl's Valentine. I'll go get my own damn chocolates!

This year as usual I just get arrows. Yeah, it's my pity party. So what? I get a few a year.

I just wrote a boat load of this days wrap up. My browser crashed and nothing auto saved. Well..the proper end to the trifecta of a horrid day. One redeeming thing: a pint of coffee Heath ice cream and a 85% cocoa bar. I don't remember ever doing that before... But it made me feel a part of all the other loveless folk out there.  Friend on Facebook chided all the people saying it was just another day. His comment: If you feel that way, you're with the wrong person. Lord willing, there's next year.

I am happy for my best friend who found love this past year. I'm happy when my bestie is happy.

Valentine's Week...Ugh

Valentines week. The last week for a while that I will absolutely be glad is over. In all the nearly 19 years of marriage I have maybe gotten one card. I got the kids and Nabal chocolates. Me? I ate a few of theirs. One year when Nabal was really being nasty the kids gave me flowers. Nabal sarcastically asked if I expected him to get me flowers also. Told him I wanted nothing from him. Fast forward to this year. He's being so nice. Every time he saw me last week he was so liberal with the I love yous. Funny...he hits Zoosk (the Facebook dating service) every day, and twice when he's drunk. He's been hitting up Mary's pictures a lot too. So why all the sudden Valentine's preoccupation? Not a clue and not trying to figure it out. 

The really sad thing is I remember being slightly hurt every time I made effort for the day and he did nothing, but it didn't upset me that much. Didn't I think I was worth even a little effort?

So what if I didn't know about all this. Would it make a difference? After all he's put the family thru. No. 

So on Valentine's Day he is having a men's bible study here. Last night he was so high and telling everyone. His carpenter buddy came over and by the time he left Nabal looked like he'd stepped out of a Cheech & Chong movie. Then he started drinking. Odd thing is his new drinking buddy is a kid who was a little ahead of our boy in school. The child was old for his grade because he came to the US when he was older, so he's probably 23 or so. Even though both kids know the boy, neither can understand at all. Nabal had him working for him for a while until the boy wasn't into working 7 days a week. Just dawned on me, the Mexican guys I have been around talk a lot of smack but are afraid of women and spend most of their time around men. These young boys like to go out with girls and not work every waking cmoment. 

Back to last night.  By the time I'd picked up our girl the mariachi music was cranked up. He kept coming downstairs trying to tell me he loved me so. .. He said the strangest thing over and over. "I love you, I'm gonna die for you. You'll see." And it wasn't just last night he said it several times during the week. Concurrently with all this talk he was cruising Zoosk. 

I haven't been writing because it's all the same. One night he's sitting there with his bible and about 13 commentaries, the next he's bing drinking his beer. Them those special nights he does both at the same time. 

I'm so done here. This summer I'm hopefully going to work at a large place about 1.5 hours away. Fast money that I can't make in this town. Then a move west. I have to learn again how to live, be around people. Not be angry all the time. I guess the anger comes from frustration. Family, life in general, all one big farce. And still Nabal tries to keep up the illusion. 

He is scared of losing my brain. Thats the truth. No real live lost. Just my knowledge. God only knows what will become of his taxes this year. Already told him I'm not doing them.