New Years Eve...

So...not kissing 2012 goodbye, just biotin it out the door. Goes in an big pile with 09, 10 and 11. Those are just the ones on the top. So! 2013!

For years I have not made resolutions. Just seemed like wasted time as it was all but forgotten by January 31. But this year needs a plan! I need more work, better pay for what I do. I need to get help so I can move on from here. I need to get out of this marriage, this state. A friend, very concerned mentioned that I need to make a real home for the kids without Nabal's influence. They need to see normalcy. This in itself is a bit fear installing but I need to get over it. My son has taken to making holes in his walls when he gets bored now...I speak to him and he gets defensive. Nabal reports to me every new hole when he notices and tells me the boy needs a talk. Yeah...ok. I live, we live in an insane asylum. I realize the boy has no friend's. My girl says he's a jerk to everyone. Wow...yes we need change, this sounds so much like Nabal. He has many acquaintances who he believes he is better than. He finds something wrong with everyone and makes it a matter of Nabal is better.  If he can't find a weakness he just dubs them stupid. 

That's my big push this year. Everyone will be out of school so Nabal won't have any more hold where he could completely screw the kids education up. Lately he's been sticking to the hard working misunderstood guy persona. He is still who he is. A friend a year older just died from the flu Christmas day. Life is really way to short. I've been sick with the same flu. He died suddenly. Don't know how many days are promised. Just found out the stress of it all has finally taken its toll and my blood pressure is up. So off goes all the weight. I don't even care if Nabal starts to comment. Exercise is coming back. I don't like medecine so herbals, a serious cleanse and drop any refined foods. Tomorrow ;) 

I am still seeing that Nabal assumes the world will find what he offers as sufficient. We are at the point everything could be lost. Maybe that has to happen. At that point nothing would tie us except a piece of paper. To me it is an important piece of paper, but now, in this instance it's only good use is tinder for a fire. To much destruction associated with it. Looking back it has never really been worth more than the $30 it cost. Money that should have been put to better use. 

So no floating along this year. I've really been thinking about a storage unit and slowly moving things out. I can leave stuff there until I see where I land. I have to get away from here there's a glut of people in my profession here and movement is necessary  

Christmas Eve

The big Mexican Christmas celebration night. I'm still feeling horrible from the flu. I think it's settled either into a sinus infection or pneumonia. Lovely... So Nabal has been hinting all week about tamales. It's such a labor intensive operation and I knew I wasn't gonna be up to it. I know now that it is traditionally one of the few times Mexican men help with cooking. In fact usually it's a family project, but even Nabal's mom has to go it alone and prefers buying them. So tonight I figure he told his church he was bringing tamales for their midnight meal. I'm not much help as I get dizzy when I stand for a long time so he invited 2 of his buddies over. These guys one Pablito and some other guy are his 'church drinking boys.' he made sweet and chicken and I did tell him how to make the ingredients as I was going in and out ferrying kids to work. I finally got in and was able to lay down since I'm up every night at 2:30 ensuring the boy wakes. Our girl came in from visiting with friends and asked me whether the tamales were supposed to be cooking as Nabal was asleep.  My best guess was that he and the boys were boozing it up making the tamales as there was a plate of burned tamales. Gosh don't ask how the heck you burn tamales as they are steamed, but a drunk can manage anything... She came in at 12 so I sopposed Nabal had gotten too drunk to go hold court at his teetotal ing church. When the boy woke for work he told me that Nabal and the boys had not indeed had Bert, but Patron. Well... I'm wondering what he's going to do with all those tamales... It's drunk cooking and no one here eats that. The boy said he thought he saw Nabal with taquila drinking and putting it in (I'm not sure whether the water or the dough or the meat) I doubt I will be finding out.

Dinner will be easy and nutritious for all is Dickie's. Parihuela, Peruvian seafood soup, and I'll make some rolls to go with. Had presence of mind to buy seltzer water to make the orange juice and have mimosa like beverage. Maybe even orange Julius.

Two days ago Nabal proclaimed that we all needed to go on a 'family' Christmas shopping outing. First time in 19 years... He was always much to busy. Well, everyone was working and he never brought it up again. I bought a few things for the kids. Inexpensive, yet ellegent. They actually were...

Merrry Christmas and God bless.

Monday

The flu this year is the pits...at least it's fast as flus go. First my girl, then as she was coming out of it, I went down for the count.

Let's see what Nabal was up to... He did buy juice once I got sick. He made soup last night, and got bombed doing it. He was able to take our girl to work as he was headed to church in the same direction. Just before it was time to pick her up I went upstairs and realized Nabal was most of the way through his 6 pack. I get to her job and he calls me asking if I left to pick her up. Then went on in twisted drunk speak to explain how he could have picked her up, all I had to do was ask. I told him flatly that he was on beer 5 of a 6 pack and I didn't think that was the best thing to have him driving anyone including himself. He never addressed te statement and changed the conversation than hung up.

One of my friends from high school called me. I have been asking her advice on getting a tutor for my kid with a learning disability, plus we are friends and I don't need a reason to talk with her no matter how you slice it. I remember he told me he talked with a friend of mine from a certain state. I could tell by something in his voice he was waiting for a reaction. So I said: Ok, who? Then he mentioned her name. I told him ok and I'd call her back when I felt better. Today I chatted with her a bit as she has sickness in her house she's dealing with. Seems he played 30 questions with her... Where did I know her from, had I spoken with her recently, and what was the nature of our relationship. So...was he really chasing something, or was he trying to dissuade whoever it was from calling me. Yet again he crossed the wrong friend...this one has battled with psychological abuse from a husband and after 12 years has her kid home with her and free of her abuser. When she gets a break I'm sure she'll fill fill me in on the whole conversation.

The last time he showed off, I was on the phone with my ex-police officer girlfriend. All very good friends that go back to childhood.

My girl came home and gave me a slip of paper that had her scores from tests she needs to graduate. She scored very high!!! Nabal comes in and notices the paper and asks me if someone sent me a note. Told him no it was our girl's scores. He made a noise of disinterest and went upstairs... Proud dad?? Guess not. Just interested in driving me nuts.

Saturday

So I have an icky virus courtesy of my beautiful daughter. Thanks doll.. So I'm up late making sure the boy gets off to work on time. Why? I'm doing it again, placing myself in a position to be blamed for someone else's irresponsibility. He came in late, just before 1 and had to be awake between 3 & 3:30 a.m. Oh yeah...! He stormed out slamming doors. In his wake. Nabal sleeping in the living room so he can look at TV all night as he wakes. Too late for going to say anything.

So I'm sitting here in quiet. Now I can sleep and be warm. A scene came to me. :

A wealthy woman in the community chartered a bus for my daughter's entire class and the grade below. The woman did this for every elementary school here an it was our turn. It was a trip to a major city to participate in an educational event. I grew up in that city and saw an opportunity to stay and see some sites we hadn't seen in a few years. I realize Nabal always worked so couldn't go anywhere and discouraged me going anywhere.

The bus was returning hours early so I arranged to get my girl and we three would see some sights we hadn't seen. It was very early fall and probably the last very good weather. We found a very exciting monument and the children were having a wonderful time. My phone rang and it was Nabal. I answere with I know a lightness of seeing the kids so happy. He started right in. Not yelling but saying he was sure I was already on the road back. I said off handedly no it was still light and  told him how much fun we were having and how where we were related to my mom. I do not remember exactly what he said, but I do remember suddenly feeling as if he were trying to tell me I was doing something stupid. Now I'm a darn good driver in general and have no night problems. The next day was a weekend, so no school. I remember wondering where all that was coming from. As I was trying to explain he hung up on me. I'd stopped the kids because I was devoting so much attention to figurinbnabal out that I didn't want to lose track of where the children were in the crowd. They saw my face.

What's the matter mommy? Probably shouldn't have said a thing, but I told them that their father wanted us to leave now. Their little faces were sad and we'd only seen half the monument. That and it would take half an hour just to walk back to the car. We continued on and it was dark by the time we left. Not a peep from Nabal. He may have called when I was near home. Honestly I do not remember. What I do remember is when we got home I was expecting the same mood and there was none.

I remembered feeling sad that Nabal didn't like anyone having fun without him. Back in the day all he wanted to do was cookout at a park or go play ball for a hot minute. He didn't like the kids on playground sets because he had to watch or help them. He didn't like museums. He just wanted to hang out with his friends, which was no place for a little boy. Looking back I think he resented us for liking museums and music other that mariachis. Funny, when we were in Mexico with his brother who likes to do things and go places he acted like he was into it all.  My reasoning for thinking resentment is that when our boy was in 5th or 6th grade he showed up to a recital drunk. He was always way to busy to go to anymore. Finally in high school he came drunk off his butt, made fun of people, then excused himself to go to the restroom and never returned, said he had to lock up his church. Shortly after that my boy began resenting me for going, and finally stopped playing an instrument he had talent in. Why? Because he wasn't perfect... 

Some days I truly wonder how I was so blind. Always tryin to figure what had caused a mood or miscommunication. There was no reason! All a sick gave that gullible old me fell for. It shames me. I remember asking my mom for help in something I felt to my core was wrong. My mom told me I needed to listen to my husband and help out. I was pregnant and just had major surgery. She said in an incredulous voice that it wouldn't hurt me to cook and vacuum some. I was under doctors orders and had a gaping wound. I knew I'd been abandoned. That's when I really started to think maybe I really was thinking wrong. Any time I was hurt I was not really allowed to 'be' hurt. I had to suck it up real quick an bury it. So I did...for 18 years. 

Thursday

I get so tired of writing about the antics of Nabal... My girl has what it appearing more and more to be the flu. Nabal called from the store this evening to see if she needed anything from the store she told him night time medecine. Oh...like NyQuil. When he got home he was odiously drunk.  Once it got late I asked her if he'd given her the medicine. Nope! Hadn't bought a thing. He's the one who in his quest to sleep when he isn't drinking. He was too drunk to help, to remember, to care.

I want to know why he walks around sounding slury drunk acting like a drunk, yet gets on the phone on one of his soap boxes and when talking to his church folks sounds sober.  He hangs up the phone and is back to sloppy drunk. It's all a game to him. I think he 'acts' so sloppy drunk so he can try to get handsie and act dumb about it.  I'm just tired of it all... Gotta remember all his week's foolishness. I just haven't felt like thinking o him at all when I didn't have to.

Tuesday

It is really bothering me that Nabal works so very hard at corrupting the sobriety of others. He's like the Pied Piper, like the snake in the garden... Advising people who are getting help to disregard it. Advising guys getting meds to help with their addictions and the mental issues that stem from them to stop taking their medecine so they can drink wih him. Finding recovered alcoholics and plying them with alcohol until they secumb.  Giving pointers on how to stay out of rehab. Looking at loved ones who are trying to save their addicts lives as the bad people and telling that to the addict. He has taken calling good evil, and evil good to a whole new level. It's as if his highest calling is to corrupt people! He than, with great disgust, points out what horrible drunks or druggies others are. Sudden high moral ground equal to any latter century temperance leader. Boggles the mind... I often wonder if he has deluded himself as much as he tries to delude others?

Evening:
How quickly Nabal changes... Yes drunk again and his phone rang, he looked at it and put it back in his pocket. "Do you believe Muncho keeps calling me? I don't have any money to give anyone. Stupid drunk just needs to quit drinking...stupid drunk."

Well...wow... Turned on the guy that fast. Muncho is the Protege's nickname. The guy is looking to Nabal to bail him out of his troubles because Nabal spent the last 10 years calling the guy 'mijo' more than Nabal called his own son 'my son.' Funny, Nabal likes to act like everyone's dad, the benevolent jefe until there is real trouble, then Nabal looks down his nose from his lofty heights and calls ya stupid.

Tonight Nabal told me we were all together against the world. I laughed before I could stop myself. He asked, "What? You aren't with me?" I just looked at him and asked, "We who?" he replied, "Well, you, me an the kids." now that was funny! Yes, true crazy making actions.

Monday

The last week has been a tad trying. Everything turned upside down, just such personal strife here in the house, yet Nabal seems to have noticed nothing. I'm betting he did notice because he kicked Sommen of the parties while they were down. I could have strangled him, but he plays the passive agressive part, smiled and said he was just trying to be helpful. I have been doing a lot of praying and seeking the last few days. I believe I have at least one answer. Tho still wondering what real direction it's all heading.

Ah, Nabal passed out by 9:30, peace. I was seriously asking God if my attitude was correct. I know it may seem crazy to some, but God is still in the miracle business and healing and changing each and every day. Some days I have to stop and make sure my wants aren't running contrary to God's plans. I can be a little impatient. It's warm for a December night and Nabal sat in his truck drinking for almost 2 hours. Fine with me, it's not as if anyone really talks to him much. He came in with some gossip, I could see it in his eyes. He had spoken to the protege. Evidently his parents and siblings put him in rebar in Mexico. Nabal was almost horrified! He told me in a tone that conveyed can you believe they did this?!? I was very happy. Happy for the protege and I told Nabal that I was because the protege was killing himself. He looked at me in disbelief, "You think that could happed?" my answer, "Yes!" I had to get sarcastic and asked if  he was advising the protege on how to remain free of rehab. Nabal laughed and said he told him to come back up here. It would be easy for him to sneak across the border, heck he did it when he was 14. (Oh gosh, a hundred years ago! Nabal is almost 50...) I was just being smart alicky, but he really was advising the protege against rehab. Same as he did with Pablito. Again this is the decon who is supposed to be looking out for the good of people. Will people stop at justifying nothing? Then Nabal completely shifted the blame for the protege's drinking onto the man's wife. If I remember the woman had done nothing wrong but the drunken machos had him convinced she was until he heard she was wisely investing their money and looking oh for the family. Nabal claims she was found to be living with another man when he returned. I would bet she had received a few drunk calls from him over his 3 year conversion to a full blown, waking to drink a fifth of vodka at 5 a.m. And staggering drunk by 10 a.m. He had women, girlfriends here who stayed overnight yet his wife is the only one in the wrong. Always with the damn Poor me crap. They spin out of control and when the women react, they are the victims of horrible women...

Just after Nabal's news about the protege an old friend called to ask for prayer for her husband. He has been abusive as long as I have known him. He plays a good game to the public. He's been an alcoholic as long as I've known him. He smokes weed like a chimney and introduced his now 16 year old son to it. He has off and on dabbled in crack cocaine. The man is a diabetic who has cost his family thousands of dollars in hospitalization because he continues to drink. He hasn't worked in at least 10 years. Last year he had shunts put in his brain to drain fluid, and yet he drinks. This night he can't breath on his own because he saw the need to use crack again. I've heard he introduced his son to that also. His wife is so damn mad about this. His thoughtless actions. She asked why. All I could say was that addiction skews thought and  they can't say no. These were simple country people  who got swallowed by drugs. I feel for her, I could hear anguish in her voice. Hate mixed with...loyalty? Her love moved on many years ago. He has made all their lives hell.  If I told Nabal, he would start into decrying the man's drug addled life. Nabal is good at picking apart all the things the other guy does that seperate him from being a happy alcoholic and make him a monster. He likes his peers being worse drunks than he. He can feel superior.

1 Corinthians 5 has been resonating so much with me these last few months, maybe year. Why the big hoopla to judge the world's sins? Look at the dirt residing in those who call themselves brothers and sisters of the church. God isn't vague, yet justification for any and every sin is rampant. Not only sin, but the covering up of sin. Take heed churches. Don't stand between God and souls he intends for himself.