Wednesday

And there! He finally said it! That I finally have money and don't care about doing his stuff. Last week he asked for a loan of $300, which I did not have. Last night he needed $10 dollars for gas. He's overdrawn again by $62. He thinks because I work a lot I get paid a lot...this is called paying my sues. I am starting to get paid better all the time. I paid my own phone bill for me and the kids! I found a class for my renewal credits- it's half the cost of most classes in my field, but I know it's very good. I don't have to travel and pay for gas or a room. If I don't have all my credits in I can't renew my license, if I don't have a license I can't work. He's mad I don't share money. I had exactly enough for those two things and gas to get to work. For me a phone isn't a luxury, it's the way I make get work. He's been sitting around all day. Then bitches at me for not caring about his company. Now? Drunk off his ass. "I don't drink, you won't give me a kiss. I do drink, you still don't give me a kiss. What's your problem?" I wish drinking was my only problem with him...

4 hours later: we get the happy drunk who only loves everyone. After ending his tyrade earlier by saying I should go f*#k myself... He asked when I had ever forgiven him. I named one time..he said name another, I did. Finally after the forth incident I said doesn't matter, you ran out of chances. He was back to the creepy, we'll die together crap. He got a little confrontational tonight. Claimed I was after a rich man. Ha! Wouldn't I have done that at least 10 years ago? Parting shot: The best thing about you is that I understand you. WTF?  Than claiming he has forgiven me for having dated other men before I met him... Damn beer really has made him lose it. That's the worst he can come up with for me. Says he knows I'm guilty. Yup! I'm guilty of being stupid for marrying him! They do not change, they do not settle down. They become drunks and justify!

Even though I know the truth. Even though half of what Nabal said made no sense. Even though I know he's trying to hit a nerve he didn't know about by fishing, and outright lying. They speak with such vehemence, lie so boldly (and when caught never lose a beat) one is left wondering and pondering the impression I have given thru the years. Sad, probably all the years of conditioning. The circular arguments. The veiled accusations, never coming out and accusing, but alluding to some secret knowledge about me or my behavior. He made a grand gesture...said if I'd found another then the would graciously let me go. This is the second time and this time I thought faster. I told him since he had found two someone else's that is what I did, he'd been let go. Of course that set off a whole other circle.. Funny thing is he never tried to defend it. Never skipped a drunken beat. Charged forward, I'd given him up before that...blah, blah, blah. Funny thing is, there is no 'other.' I admit I have thought of a place I'd rather be, but I'm looking at alone. Must say it looks a hell of a lot better than here! There is no one to my knowledge out there waiting for me. He wants so badly for me to live up to some American stereotype he has. Yes he's back at that after almost 20 years. Trashy American ways versus sainted Mexican. Sainted...snort. His mom was the one still married and living with some boyfriend and having a kid with him, not mine! But I'm too nice to fight that dirty. The thought came to me when he was trashing Americans and our morals, but I didn't go there. Why? We all know his truth. Tonight was trying to make me ashamed... He lost that battle before he opened his mouth. I am not, nor was I ever a saint, but he talks as if I was a harlot before he found me... A drunk grasping at straws.