Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Wednesday
It's Wednesday again, do I really have to say it? Nabal's drunk. He has new drinking buddy's. His worker that he can't stand and some old wino. Wow, really? Nabal tells me wine head knows my aunt. He names a great aunt that died, gosh in the early 60's. Then wine head says she was a school teacher. Ok, my mom's cousin who was named for said great aunt. Then Nabal says he lived next door ( a very large Victorian in our family years ago that later became apartments and is now a house again) I said then he knew my grand parents. Wine head said yes. As I turned to go Nabal says: you gotta tell me about those people. It was a voice tho that was digging for dirt... Well, he'll be sorely disappointed. They were good folks I lived with for 8 years. Sad he looks for dirt on his wife. He'd love to find my family is as like his. He thinks I stand in judgement. I don't. I could if I were like that, but I don't function like that. But he does, looking for something shameful he can attach to me that he can use in an argument or for when I am ready to leave. Must be a sad existence to always look for the dirt in others to make ones self feel better.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Monday
Finally a day off... Figuring how and what to pay and in what amounts to keep creditors at bay. It's all falling apart at the seams. I'm picking up little by little and will have a decent web page by the end of the week.
THought flashed. Nothing ever gets done here. Nabal's excuse is he doesn't have time. He gets home drunk... nope, no time. He did say that he has muscle cramps all the time. I guess that's why I he drinks, or maybe it's because he drinks. I am going to do the outside work before it gets cold and rainy. Yes, the work I was going to do months ago, but Nabal asked me to stop because he was going to do work there. It could have been done... Then do a fall cleaning once money for me gets more regular and I can work fewer hours.
I'm going to endeavor to get all the small clothes out and all the stuff no longer in use. Including Nabal
So... Nabal was going on about some guy sent him some prints about a big job. I'd been in his/company email to send out an invoice today. He wanted to check his email. I gave him his password. It's easy for him to remember, the two most important things in his craft. And they are easy to spell.So the computer says 'you've got mail' and he mumbles some things about where is my mail? What is this mail? Then after a while he asks what is all this 'mat-com' stuff? Really!?! We are going to play this game? Again he asks. Kinda accusingly. HAHAHA! I know your tricks now. I told him it was his dating site. He looked aghast... Bravo! Great Performances here comes Diva Nabal! He mustered up something from somewhere and asks: Where did it come from? Finally I said with much humor. It's from your dating profile that you signed up for. He tried to deny again, but I told him: It's got your nickname on it. It's yours. He was still trying to play it off... I said: You drink, you get drunk and I guess sign up to date single women. Case closed. I went back to what I was doing. When he left I looked at the history and he had opened and looked at one of the emails. What he doesn't know is that I see all his 'rooting around on Match.com. Poor man...fooling nobody but himself.
THought flashed. Nothing ever gets done here. Nabal's excuse is he doesn't have time. He gets home drunk... nope, no time. He did say that he has muscle cramps all the time. I guess that's why I he drinks, or maybe it's because he drinks. I am going to do the outside work before it gets cold and rainy. Yes, the work I was going to do months ago, but Nabal asked me to stop because he was going to do work there. It could have been done... Then do a fall cleaning once money for me gets more regular and I can work fewer hours.
I'm going to endeavor to get all the small clothes out and all the stuff no longer in use. Including Nabal
So... Nabal was going on about some guy sent him some prints about a big job. I'd been in his/company email to send out an invoice today. He wanted to check his email. I gave him his password. It's easy for him to remember, the two most important things in his craft. And they are easy to spell.So the computer says 'you've got mail' and he mumbles some things about where is my mail? What is this mail? Then after a while he asks what is all this 'mat-com' stuff? Really!?! We are going to play this game? Again he asks. Kinda accusingly. HAHAHA! I know your tricks now. I told him it was his dating site. He looked aghast... Bravo! Great Performances here comes Diva Nabal! He mustered up something from somewhere and asks: Where did it come from? Finally I said with much humor. It's from your dating profile that you signed up for. He tried to deny again, but I told him: It's got your nickname on it. It's yours. He was still trying to play it off... I said: You drink, you get drunk and I guess sign up to date single women. Case closed. I went back to what I was doing. When he left I looked at the history and he had opened and looked at one of the emails. What he doesn't know is that I see all his 'rooting around on Match.com. Poor man...fooling nobody but himself.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Taking Stock
Just trying to fall asleep and thinking. Maybe not thinking, but things just pop up. I am...sad, angry. Plain unhappy, depressed. And let's not forget scared witless all the time. Nabal is my husband for the interim (I hope) and my boy has decided not to talk to me. He looks at me like I have done something awful. Smug hatred. Won't even look at me, and for the life of me I don't know why. He's passed judgement on something I have done or he thinks I have down... He's not talked to my girl in months because he doesn't approve of her. Thanks Nabal for teaching him women just don't matter. They forgive another man anything, but women? To be judged, guilty or not. I pray he grows out of this. Funny, he got the brunt of Nabal's abuse yet Nabal actually taught him to disregard women and that's what he took away. That and his anger. He has a bank account and is in line for a pretty good job. I guess he doesn't have any more reasons to have to be nice to me. Yes, sad and depressed.
Friday
A sinking ship... Rats are scurrying. I'm tired today. I worked all week and will work tomorrow and maybe Sunday. I really. Need to carv out time and get a website going, free just ain't where it's at!
Nabal... All week has said he has to get out bills. All week I've said write them out because by the time I get home he's drunk. Last time we did that it did not go well. Everything had to be redone and he had no memory of any of it at all. Tonight he asked if I would get a hotel room for us tomorrow. Other... No. I probably thought of this before, but in past when he had been working so hard and needed a break I'd rent a room and we'd get away from home for a night. He never reciprocated, but maybe that's just my thing, fine. So in the almost 20 years we have been married, when he did think to rent a hotel room it was for another woman! Then in a little pitiful voice he says: I guess you not going to be with me anymore. Ya think?
Nabal and his new worker were drinking on the wall out in front the house at the beginning of the week. They left a pile of cans on the grass beside the wall...they still lay there. This new fellow is such bad news. He only works till 3, but doesn't have a car. He can only work some days half day because he has a DUI... He habitually spits and clients don't like that, he's a loud spitter. He works more at finding scrap metal than at masonry. I'm tired of saying, so why don't you just tell him you can't use him? He's a drinking buddy now. And the damn mess out in the yard, empty and partially empty cans all over the house. I'm going to have to clean it up, it's past sanitary. Ship's going down, I can feel it...
Nabal... All week has said he has to get out bills. All week I've said write them out because by the time I get home he's drunk. Last time we did that it did not go well. Everything had to be redone and he had no memory of any of it at all. Tonight he asked if I would get a hotel room for us tomorrow. Other... No. I probably thought of this before, but in past when he had been working so hard and needed a break I'd rent a room and we'd get away from home for a night. He never reciprocated, but maybe that's just my thing, fine. So in the almost 20 years we have been married, when he did think to rent a hotel room it was for another woman! Then in a little pitiful voice he says: I guess you not going to be with me anymore. Ya think?
Nabal and his new worker were drinking on the wall out in front the house at the beginning of the week. They left a pile of cans on the grass beside the wall...they still lay there. This new fellow is such bad news. He only works till 3, but doesn't have a car. He can only work some days half day because he has a DUI... He habitually spits and clients don't like that, he's a loud spitter. He works more at finding scrap metal than at masonry. I'm tired of saying, so why don't you just tell him you can't use him? He's a drinking buddy now. And the damn mess out in the yard, empty and partially empty cans all over the house. I'm going to have to clean it up, it's past sanitary. Ship's going down, I can feel it...
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Tuesday
The drunk ramblings of Nabal: He's going to buy a new stove for $700. It really. Costs $2,000. Yes my stove is about 50 years old, but it is large and works fine. Needs to be cleaned so a burner will work correctly. Then that he's going to completely remodel the kitchen. This is why he can't hold onto money or put his mind to paying off bills. He's always making big plans for his money, then when he can't he gets upset. I guess it's just something for him to talk about.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Sunday
Why does it seem that for every good thing there is a trial? Business goes well and my boy just suddenly stops talking to me... He got a new haircut. He really needs help. Even his sister says he's perpetually angry and mean... Why didn't I see all this 10, 15 years ago and put a stop to Nabal by putting him out? I was headed that way about 12 years ago, but became convinced I just hadn't tried hard enough so threw myself into my marriage... Didn't know about all the abuse and brainwashing going on with the boy. Yes fighting guilt. Guilt I was blind until it was uncovered.
Retrospect of this week with Nabal. He asked, every time he was drunk, would I come to church with him. Then would I cook tacos for some picnic. I tried the tactic of not arguing with a drunk and just said yeah, sure. Today he left without a word. It rained so I guess the picnic was canceled.ast night when Nabal was really drunk he had an urgent request that I look up a bill from his company so he could bill for the same type of job for the same guy. He needed a bill done and sent this weekend so he could get paid Monday. So I looked it all up...and he passed out by the time I had it. Today he asked did I ever find the previous bill. He had a voice that conveyed that he thought he'd catch me not having done it, same urgency as the night before. Told him I had and the price, then asked wich of the two contractors I needed to make it out to. His voice changed...he had to ask tomorrow to see how they wanted to handle it... Caught him! He creates urgency, dare I say drama, where there is none.
Nabal actually told me that any money I made wouldn't be of any help. I should stop what I do and devote myself to his company. Really? Winter is coming, and they say it's going to be a bad one with lots of snow. Perfect weather. But not so good for. Rick laying. Also little does he know I can make quite a lot at what I do. Way to try to make me feel insignificant! Well, I like what I do and I'm good at it so he can very well piss off! I'm starting to actually make ends meet. He started talking tonight like we were going to be forever. Really I just want to make money to run the house and he can have his money, pay bills he ran up, and pay off taxes and have enough when he goes so he can't say I tool all his money. Hell. I can honestly say he got away with a hundred thousand of mine, but I was working on the assumption at the time that we were a unit with the same goals. He's a man with holes in his pockets. We are flat broke and yet he still finds money for beer and weed... Priorities, priorities...
This thing with my boy not speaking has me kinda tweaked. He's like weather in the islands: don't like it, wait a few minutes... He's so lost.
Retrospect of this week with Nabal. He asked, every time he was drunk, would I come to church with him. Then would I cook tacos for some picnic. I tried the tactic of not arguing with a drunk and just said yeah, sure. Today he left without a word. It rained so I guess the picnic was canceled.ast night when Nabal was really drunk he had an urgent request that I look up a bill from his company so he could bill for the same type of job for the same guy. He needed a bill done and sent this weekend so he could get paid Monday. So I looked it all up...and he passed out by the time I had it. Today he asked did I ever find the previous bill. He had a voice that conveyed that he thought he'd catch me not having done it, same urgency as the night before. Told him I had and the price, then asked wich of the two contractors I needed to make it out to. His voice changed...he had to ask tomorrow to see how they wanted to handle it... Caught him! He creates urgency, dare I say drama, where there is none.
Nabal actually told me that any money I made wouldn't be of any help. I should stop what I do and devote myself to his company. Really? Winter is coming, and they say it's going to be a bad one with lots of snow. Perfect weather. But not so good for. Rick laying. Also little does he know I can make quite a lot at what I do. Way to try to make me feel insignificant! Well, I like what I do and I'm good at it so he can very well piss off! I'm starting to actually make ends meet. He started talking tonight like we were going to be forever. Really I just want to make money to run the house and he can have his money, pay bills he ran up, and pay off taxes and have enough when he goes so he can't say I tool all his money. Hell. I can honestly say he got away with a hundred thousand of mine, but I was working on the assumption at the time that we were a unit with the same goals. He's a man with holes in his pockets. We are flat broke and yet he still finds money for beer and weed... Priorities, priorities...
This thing with my boy not speaking has me kinda tweaked. He's like weather in the islands: don't like it, wait a few minutes... He's so lost.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Thursday
Wednesday equals church equals super drunk Nabal, last night was our normal. I came in the house and Nabal was on the phone repeating: I don't care, I don't care. Took me a while to realize he was talking to Hector and was defending being a drunk. Reiterating: I don't have a problem with responsible people having a drink, I only have a problem with habitual drunks. He's got his new doctrine in place to cover this. First it was his do what you want as long as you go to church doctrine. Now that he wants to lead and preach and he's got the chance it's morphed into that God is love, which is true. And that he doesn't care what people do as long as they love him. Funny, if he's so sure of this, why doesn't he defend this to Noel? To Church of God, which happens to be a strict church. Why doesn't he go find a church that supports his views? There are plenty, but he'd rather live a double life and defend his 'free time.'
He stayed on the phone trying to bully the guy to his position. When he got off he came straight for me... I worked the morning, spent the afternoon with friends that came in town for the day, then went to church and helped with taking up carpet in the sanctuary. I was ready to go to sleep, he was in a persuasive mood... I was discussing a job interview with my girl and Nabal came in and started talking all over himself . I headed for the basement to sleep and yet again he said he didn't care that I needed to get up early. He said: I make the money and soon I'll make enough that you can come home and not work. Told him I like what I do. He says there's no use in me because whatever I make won't help. Really? So why have I been paying for food, gas and a small part of the bills when we have no money? A little later he complains that all the bills are on him... Why I dislike talking to him- he goes with whatever argument advances his agenda. Even if it completely contradicts his previous argument. He was riding me about not fulfilling wifely duties (what has it been? More than a year) He grandly lays down an ultimatum and asks if we are going to work. I said no. Later he's spouting the creepy stuff: Hey, I'm never going to let you go. It doesn't matter what you want. Hey, you're going to my church this Sunday we are having a picnic. Then he proceeded to go back upstairs and pass out on the living room sofa surrounded by his empty Bud Light cans.
I'm learning to get past listening to him. It's taken so long. Work is still picking up. Gotta add more clients and get on with my studies. I'm looking at a more technical path in my work. I'm not young and it will allow Me to work till I'm old, God willing and unless i get sick along the way. I'm building a path and course of action.
He stayed on the phone trying to bully the guy to his position. When he got off he came straight for me... I worked the morning, spent the afternoon with friends that came in town for the day, then went to church and helped with taking up carpet in the sanctuary. I was ready to go to sleep, he was in a persuasive mood... I was discussing a job interview with my girl and Nabal came in and started talking all over himself . I headed for the basement to sleep and yet again he said he didn't care that I needed to get up early. He said: I make the money and soon I'll make enough that you can come home and not work. Told him I like what I do. He says there's no use in me because whatever I make won't help. Really? So why have I been paying for food, gas and a small part of the bills when we have no money? A little later he complains that all the bills are on him... Why I dislike talking to him- he goes with whatever argument advances his agenda. Even if it completely contradicts his previous argument. He was riding me about not fulfilling wifely duties (what has it been? More than a year) He grandly lays down an ultimatum and asks if we are going to work. I said no. Later he's spouting the creepy stuff: Hey, I'm never going to let you go. It doesn't matter what you want. Hey, you're going to my church this Sunday we are having a picnic. Then he proceeded to go back upstairs and pass out on the living room sofa surrounded by his empty Bud Light cans.
I'm learning to get past listening to him. It's taken so long. Work is still picking up. Gotta add more clients and get on with my studies. I'm looking at a more technical path in my work. I'm not young and it will allow Me to work till I'm old, God willing and unless i get sick along the way. I'm building a path and course of action.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Monday
The good thing is I have been working so steady! I'm still not pulling the money I should be bringing in... I need to push my learning curve and really get into web exposure. Probably a mental block, old dog, new trick sort of thing. I need to go fight! A friend who has a way with words made a statement that truly struck a chord and stuck with me: David trusted God with his all, yet he went out and fought his battles. He didn't sit around figuring the God would take care of 'everything' for him. He consulted, he listened, and he acted.
The stress- I just hate looking at Nabal's face. His lying face. He's super drunk. He comes to tell me of a debate he had about salvation with Hector... Really don't want to discuss anything with a drunk...much less scripture and doctrine. He was all about the semantics of losing salvation and walking away. Finally came down to he is a once saved, always saved position now. Which I do understand. Especially when he slipped and confessed that his buddy was telling Nabal he needed to be concerned about his spiritual health with all his activities. "Why can't people just leave me alone about what I do?" He says. Then he bragged to me that he preached the sermon this last Sunday... WHAT?? Well...that answers why people in the church who know about his drinking and womanizing are concerned. Then again..it's not like it's the only church in the city, or even Spanish church. So, just why are these people still there? Maybe the guy is his friend and really cares about his spiritual health. So, he goes on to say that he can never do more than God lets him do... Free will? He says noooo, as a child of God, God will prevent him from doing anything that upsets God... Wow...so...now everything he can get away with has been rubber stamped by God? Making a gospel to please his itching ears... Do not talk doctrine with drunks.
My stand on salvation? Simple: can't skip along and lose it, but you can willfully walk away from it. And yes, God does warn in many ways. Yes he does try to stop you, but with free will you can ignore Him and plow right ahead. I do not believe that whatever you do, when you go against what He has already warned is wrong. You can walk away. Can you come back- yes!
So then he tells me he has the power to pray anything for me so what do I want... Yeah... nothing, but thanks.
Gosh...he left his beer can here. I am so tired of them laying all over the house. ALANON: Don't clean up a drunk's mess!
Nabal brought the computer to me yesterday before he went to church. Wanted me to open up his email account so he could check his emails. I've left all his emails from Match.com right there. He has not complained about them. He complained about the Zoosks emails he signed up for when he first got on FaceBook. Claimed it was a mistake... He forgets I have been on FB for a few years! Well, just before he went to preach his sermon at the Spanish church service...he checked out a few picks they sent him. Really? He was pretty quiet after that. I don't even bother confronting him anymore as he just figures ways to be more sneaky. He is never repentant, only tries to explain why I forced him to act in such a way. He does at times apologize, but only as a means to an end. Never from the heart or with any thought that he has done anything wrong. He's just tried to many ways to justify his actions. Blames me, blames his mom. Wow...no blame for his dad? oh yeah, only women are slutty, men are just pushed to retaliation. NOT!
Nabal brought the computer to me yesterday before he went to church. Wanted me to open up his email account so he could check his emails. I've left all his emails from Match.com right there. He has not complained about them. He complained about the Zoosks emails he signed up for when he first got on FaceBook. Claimed it was a mistake... He forgets I have been on FB for a few years! Well, just before he went to preach his sermon at the Spanish church service...he checked out a few picks they sent him. Really? He was pretty quiet after that. I don't even bother confronting him anymore as he just figures ways to be more sneaky. He is never repentant, only tries to explain why I forced him to act in such a way. He does at times apologize, but only as a means to an end. Never from the heart or with any thought that he has done anything wrong. He's just tried to many ways to justify his actions. Blames me, blames his mom. Wow...no blame for his dad? oh yeah, only women are slutty, men are just pushed to retaliation. NOT!
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Wednesday
I can't believe my ears... Nabal is on the phone quoting scriptures. Then he begins to talk about young Pablito. Decrying his lack of dedication to the church. His lack of feelings for God... Would be alright except for the fact that Nabal himself is a very large part of the fellos's problem! The boy has heard him talk off his head about God, the bible and church while he's crazy drunk. Pablito has a huge drinking problem, but there were many times he was a sober observer to Nabal's violence and debauchery. There is a back story:
What happens when the domestically abusive pastor and the drunken elder decide to start their own church? Sounds like some novella, but that is just the situation. That is also why Nabal is suddenly passing judgement on Pablito. He is reading his bible, even while he's drinking. He's told me the other night while skunk drunk that he was going back to church and everything would be alright. Go to church and God would make sure there was work and money... Everything was going to be given back to him, including me... What!?! He staggers and says its only a matter of time I'll have my little mama back. Then says so you come sleep with me tonight. Gosh, I has to wake early the next morning, told him that. His reply? What do I care what you have to do? He tried to press the issue...jumped on me and started grinding my leg... Really? I was so mad I knocked him off. He asked why I was always so mad. WTF!!?!? (saw thru that, I don't have any right to be mad in his mind..) Them, he grabs my breast and runs away giggling and went upstairs.
Money is slowly coming in for me. God willing I can leave after this year. I'm living in an insane asylum. At times I think I'm the craziest one! What the hell took me so long to see all this? Why has it taken me so long to depart? At times I wonder if I have missed my widow of opportunity. I do know that's depression talking. I know I am alone. Our boy has an interest to keep me here. He's afraid to be out on his own. Was thinking today how we in America encourage our kids to become independent where my husband insist that everyone hold up in their family home until they marry. Our daughter has interest in me staying here until she finishes school and she has a little boyfriend. So they don't further my cause...
Nabal just came down here asking when I could make a visit to some people who have a husband that has been in the hospital. She is a really old friend, loves the Lord. I am not going to carry on his charade! I'm so sure he wants to go there to pray for them and counsel them. He wants to put on a performance plain and simple. He will be the center of attention. That's what he looks for. He wants to 'do' all the outward things, yet make his own personal rules. I hear him now, pontificating over scripture and giving advice. Whitewashed sepulchral. He needs me as curtains for show. I hate being put in this situation. Most times he is talking about these people because they disagree with him on so many points. This is also the guy who knows exactly what Nabal has been doing. This is the guy thatnabal blackmailed into silence. These folks are curious, knowing all that and still listening to Nabal and letting him lay hands on. I'll take this up in prayer. Is it time to start speaking? He's got me, if I don't go I look like the heartless one. These creeps are so sneaky! I also love how since Nabal has decided to show this 'new' face, we (kids and I) are to drop everything and become the loving family again. Play the game. Can't go back, sorry. He's crazy. Trying to act as if I'm the one being difficult. It's making me crazy. Making me depressed. Guess that's why it's called crazy making behavior.
So he comes downstairs and is bugging me about visiting these people tomorrow. He went on and on like I should rearrange my work to go. (the unimportant stuff...) Then he tried to get handsie. He tells me: You are my wife no matter what. What does that mean to him? No matter what he does he gets a pass? I was just pissed! He appears sober, could be wrong. I repeated his 2+ year behavior. He actually told me I had behaved the same for 15 years... Just off the wall shit! He was beginning to think I didn't want to be married to him anymore. Oh, again he asked if I was coming upstairs to sleep wih him tonight. And he's wondering? Told him all he have we're excuses. He just parroted it back to me. I know this script and I'm sick of it!
What happens when the domestically abusive pastor and the drunken elder decide to start their own church? Sounds like some novella, but that is just the situation. That is also why Nabal is suddenly passing judgement on Pablito. He is reading his bible, even while he's drinking. He's told me the other night while skunk drunk that he was going back to church and everything would be alright. Go to church and God would make sure there was work and money... Everything was going to be given back to him, including me... What!?! He staggers and says its only a matter of time I'll have my little mama back. Then says so you come sleep with me tonight. Gosh, I has to wake early the next morning, told him that. His reply? What do I care what you have to do? He tried to press the issue...jumped on me and started grinding my leg... Really? I was so mad I knocked him off. He asked why I was always so mad. WTF!!?!? (saw thru that, I don't have any right to be mad in his mind..) Them, he grabs my breast and runs away giggling and went upstairs.
Money is slowly coming in for me. God willing I can leave after this year. I'm living in an insane asylum. At times I think I'm the craziest one! What the hell took me so long to see all this? Why has it taken me so long to depart? At times I wonder if I have missed my widow of opportunity. I do know that's depression talking. I know I am alone. Our boy has an interest to keep me here. He's afraid to be out on his own. Was thinking today how we in America encourage our kids to become independent where my husband insist that everyone hold up in their family home until they marry. Our daughter has interest in me staying here until she finishes school and she has a little boyfriend. So they don't further my cause...
Nabal just came down here asking when I could make a visit to some people who have a husband that has been in the hospital. She is a really old friend, loves the Lord. I am not going to carry on his charade! I'm so sure he wants to go there to pray for them and counsel them. He wants to put on a performance plain and simple. He will be the center of attention. That's what he looks for. He wants to 'do' all the outward things, yet make his own personal rules. I hear him now, pontificating over scripture and giving advice. Whitewashed sepulchral. He needs me as curtains for show. I hate being put in this situation. Most times he is talking about these people because they disagree with him on so many points. This is also the guy who knows exactly what Nabal has been doing. This is the guy thatnabal blackmailed into silence. These folks are curious, knowing all that and still listening to Nabal and letting him lay hands on. I'll take this up in prayer. Is it time to start speaking? He's got me, if I don't go I look like the heartless one. These creeps are so sneaky! I also love how since Nabal has decided to show this 'new' face, we (kids and I) are to drop everything and become the loving family again. Play the game. Can't go back, sorry. He's crazy. Trying to act as if I'm the one being difficult. It's making me crazy. Making me depressed. Guess that's why it's called crazy making behavior.
So he comes downstairs and is bugging me about visiting these people tomorrow. He went on and on like I should rearrange my work to go. (the unimportant stuff...) Then he tried to get handsie. He tells me: You are my wife no matter what. What does that mean to him? No matter what he does he gets a pass? I was just pissed! He appears sober, could be wrong. I repeated his 2+ year behavior. He actually told me I had behaved the same for 15 years... Just off the wall shit! He was beginning to think I didn't want to be married to him anymore. Oh, again he asked if I was coming upstairs to sleep wih him tonight. And he's wondering? Told him all he have we're excuses. He just parroted it back to me. I know this script and I'm sick of it!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Wednesday
And there! He finally said it! That I finally have money and don't care about doing his stuff. Last week he asked for a loan of $300, which I did not have. Last night he needed $10 dollars for gas. He's overdrawn again by $62. He thinks because I work a lot I get paid a lot...this is called paying my sues. I am starting to get paid better all the time. I paid my own phone bill for me and the kids! I found a class for my renewal credits- it's half the cost of most classes in my field, but I know it's very good. I don't have to travel and pay for gas or a room. If I don't have all my credits in I can't renew my license, if I don't have a license I can't work. He's mad I don't share money. I had exactly enough for those two things and gas to get to work. For me a phone isn't a luxury, it's the way I make get work. He's been sitting around all day. Then bitches at me for not caring about his company. Now? Drunk off his ass. "I don't drink, you won't give me a kiss. I do drink, you still don't give me a kiss. What's your problem?" I wish drinking was my only problem with him...
4 hours later: we get the happy drunk who only loves everyone. After ending his tyrade earlier by saying I should go f*#k myself... He asked when I had ever forgiven him. I named one time..he said name another, I did. Finally after the forth incident I said doesn't matter, you ran out of chances. He was back to the creepy, we'll die together crap. He got a little confrontational tonight. Claimed I was after a rich man. Ha! Wouldn't I have done that at least 10 years ago? Parting shot: The best thing about you is that I understand you. WTF? Than claiming he has forgiven me for having dated other men before I met him... Damn beer really has made him lose it. That's the worst he can come up with for me. Says he knows I'm guilty. Yup! I'm guilty of being stupid for marrying him! They do not change, they do not settle down. They become drunks and justify!
Even though I know the truth. Even though half of what Nabal said made no sense. Even though I know he's trying to hit a nerve he didn't know about by fishing, and outright lying. They speak with such vehemence, lie so boldly (and when caught never lose a beat) one is left wondering and pondering the impression I have given thru the years. Sad, probably all the years of conditioning. The circular arguments. The veiled accusations, never coming out and accusing, but alluding to some secret knowledge about me or my behavior. He made a grand gesture...said if I'd found another then the would graciously let me go. This is the second time and this time I thought faster. I told him since he had found two someone else's that is what I did, he'd been let go. Of course that set off a whole other circle.. Funny thing is he never tried to defend it. Never skipped a drunken beat. Charged forward, I'd given him up before that...blah, blah, blah. Funny thing is, there is no 'other.' I admit I have thought of a place I'd rather be, but I'm looking at alone. Must say it looks a hell of a lot better than here! There is no one to my knowledge out there waiting for me. He wants so badly for me to live up to some American stereotype he has. Yes he's back at that after almost 20 years. Trashy American ways versus sainted Mexican. Sainted...snort. His mom was the one still married and living with some boyfriend and having a kid with him, not mine! But I'm too nice to fight that dirty. The thought came to me when he was trashing Americans and our morals, but I didn't go there. Why? We all know his truth. Tonight was trying to make me ashamed... He lost that battle before he opened his mouth. I am not, nor was I ever a saint, but he talks as if I was a harlot before he found me... A drunk grasping at straws.
4 hours later: we get the happy drunk who only loves everyone. After ending his tyrade earlier by saying I should go f*#k myself... He asked when I had ever forgiven him. I named one time..he said name another, I did. Finally after the forth incident I said doesn't matter, you ran out of chances. He was back to the creepy, we'll die together crap. He got a little confrontational tonight. Claimed I was after a rich man. Ha! Wouldn't I have done that at least 10 years ago? Parting shot: The best thing about you is that I understand you. WTF? Than claiming he has forgiven me for having dated other men before I met him... Damn beer really has made him lose it. That's the worst he can come up with for me. Says he knows I'm guilty. Yup! I'm guilty of being stupid for marrying him! They do not change, they do not settle down. They become drunks and justify!
Even though I know the truth. Even though half of what Nabal said made no sense. Even though I know he's trying to hit a nerve he didn't know about by fishing, and outright lying. They speak with such vehemence, lie so boldly (and when caught never lose a beat) one is left wondering and pondering the impression I have given thru the years. Sad, probably all the years of conditioning. The circular arguments. The veiled accusations, never coming out and accusing, but alluding to some secret knowledge about me or my behavior. He made a grand gesture...said if I'd found another then the would graciously let me go. This is the second time and this time I thought faster. I told him since he had found two someone else's that is what I did, he'd been let go. Of course that set off a whole other circle.. Funny thing is he never tried to defend it. Never skipped a drunken beat. Charged forward, I'd given him up before that...blah, blah, blah. Funny thing is, there is no 'other.' I admit I have thought of a place I'd rather be, but I'm looking at alone. Must say it looks a hell of a lot better than here! There is no one to my knowledge out there waiting for me. He wants so badly for me to live up to some American stereotype he has. Yes he's back at that after almost 20 years. Trashy American ways versus sainted Mexican. Sainted...snort. His mom was the one still married and living with some boyfriend and having a kid with him, not mine! But I'm too nice to fight that dirty. The thought came to me when he was trashing Americans and our morals, but I didn't go there. Why? We all know his truth. Tonight was trying to make me ashamed... He lost that battle before he opened his mouth. I am not, nor was I ever a saint, but he talks as if I was a harlot before he found me... A drunk grasping at straws.
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