Wednesday

I got so much accomplished today and yet it's shaping into a bad day. No good deed goes unpunished... Got information for two other friends in dealing with abuse, and information about meet up groups for us all. Went to church tonight and a few things didn't go well. I guess some friends were joking, it just hit too close to home. Why do I go to church anyway? To worship, to hear the word, to be able to pray for others needs. People? There are a few. I've been a loner way too long. I don't fit in with most ladies... I just don't get into girlie girl talk... Not many kindred spirits, but I do like them all. If you are married and your husband isn't into couples things... That puts most people out. And, I'm just a loner...

Well, got home and our boy and his gorlfriend were in his room. The door was open, but in my reality it's something you don't do often. I said something and our boy cut loose on me. He said I was always mad... Wow... Just like his dad. I wasn't mad, but he was turning the conversation off him and onto me. I told him I was real tired of people telling me how I feel. He was trying to say I was mad because of Nabal. Got to get him some help and quick. That all didn't make me mad, it made me feel tired. Tired of this whole game. Tired of all the repercussions. Frustrated, sad, depressed tired. Just wanting to walk out the door tired. How the hell did it get to this. I'd cry if I thought it would do any good. I think if I cried... I'd never stop. Nabal is drunk and amorous. I changed Nabal's bed since he won't. He over did the thanks, inviting me to join him. Really? Because the maid changed the bed you are soooo thankful you invite her up? He still hasn't found out about computer history. Since he can't find real porn he's looking at animals... Yuck! He has some FB page in Spanish that has porn... It says it's adolecents. Guess he's in the right place...! I'm just so sick of it all: Nabal's lying face, our girl's deceptions, our boy's entitelment. I'm probably no better in their eyes. I spoke of getting away from here to our girl, she informed me I had forgotten she had a life. She's 15... Am I crazy? If I'm not, why is my life like this? I don't have friends. I can't get myself together. I can't focus during the day to get anything of substance done. Stuck is where I am, stuck is where I'll be.

The old saying goes: It's darkest before the dawn. Is it almost dawn? I just don't know how much longer I can hold on. Luckily or unluckily for me I've had a life of training to wait. To settle for less. I have nothing to look forward to. Have I ever?