Saturday

I have never realized until now how much my children occupy my mind and keep me from being depressed over all this. I'm feeling like I'm a burden to friends. Who wants to hear this crap day in, day out. Year after year. I'm so tired. I see some friends who run the other way. Why? I really don't know, but in my mind either they don't care or this makes them squeemish and uncomfortable. Or they weren't very good friends anyway. The problem is that they are some of the only ones that can really hurt me... I have got to pull myself out of this and soon. Holding on till school starts, then the kids won't be at loose ends. I'm in essence a single parent living with a very adroit accuser. Nabal, I found out actually asked our 14 year old daughter if she wouldn't like to go downtown and hang out. It was 11 o'clock at night! I was out of town at a reunion for the day. If the child would have gotten in trouble Nabal would have said it was my fault for being absent and not about my job as a mother. I thank only God she had better sense than to take such a tempting offer. Nabal is lying and trying to twist my words at every turn. He said the other night that when we first married I said I would never leave our bed. I told him I couldn't imagine any conversation we would have had that that would have been said... He's being more aggressive. He's 'stealing' kisses then runs off like a school boy. He touches inappropriatly then walks away with a smile of the cat that ate the canery. Always with his stupid sing song, "Mama, why you always so mad?" Then walks away chuckling. All this tourment amuses him! I can see it in his face. He is pretty sure I'm going to get tired one day and give in. He even the other night lied and told me our boy (17) asked him why mommy is always so mad when they get home from work. I know that's BS and hip deep. My son and I are both mad as hell having to live with this man and be beholding to him. Nabal knows nothing of our conversations. One more year so that Nabal won't be able to mess up our boys last year of school since he orchestrated a lie to get him into this other school district.

I have to make some headway. I am starting to have a little voice way in the back of my mind that asks, "Would giving in really be all that bad? It's not like he's physically violent. Just go under again and his mind games can't hurt you." I may be able to do another 10 years, maybe. Or I might get to 5 and blow my own F*cking head off to get away from him. I only toy with this tho. There are 2 things that stay my hand. The first is God, I know he's got me. No matter how hard it gets. Second I would not leave that legacy for my children. I can't be that selfish. I know that I'm falling deep. I fix food, but don't have a taste for any. I think, but thoughts can't find a place to rest. Sleep is my friend, but most often I can not find it. Lethargy, is well, a way of life. My life as I have lived it will benefit from a job, forsaking setting up my own company for a time. My ethic is to do a job and do it well. That in itself gives me clear proof of my worth, no matter what any one or any of the depressing inner voices speak. I have to pull myself up, dust myself off, and thanks to my long legs give myself a swift kick. I've never been able to count on anyone ever. Why believe I can now.