Thursday

Thursday was an awful day.

Wednesday

Our boy is now coming out of a double whammy case of strep and sinus infection, and today our girl goes in for more oral surgery. Yesterday I was trying to tell Nabal what to do if the boy woke and was hungry while he was at school and he cut me off and reminded me that he had church, unless I wanted him to stay home. I just told him no and told him everything was under control. He was going to be home with the boy for an hour. I need the boy to be well enough to look out for our girl tonight. If not I found out that I can afford to take a day from school if needed. Nabal can't be counted on after last time.

Yesterday I had to go out into the back yard to look for something for a neighbor and did find, on a flat bed trailer, one of my good dishes and a fork. So I figure that many of my missing dishes are out there. Annoys the heck out of me. He gets drunk and takes dishes, silverware and pots outside. He never brings them in. I have plenty of styrofoam plates and plastic utensils but Nabal has to have the real deal. He thinks it makes a statement, or it's one of his bug a boos about lazy American women. Spanish women don't use dishwashers (a matter of pride with most of them) and American women are too lazy to wash dishes so they use paper plates. No... it never crosses their mind about breakage. A matching set of dishes means nothing to Nabal. My last full set is down to 2 bowls, 2 plates each large and small, and no coffee mugs. Another thing with Nabal, He uses ceramic cups for his coffee. He takes them in his truck, to work, everywhere. I bought through the years insulated coffee cups with lids just like the gas station ones he will drink from and he will not use them, I have bought him any number of travel mugs... I use them eventually. He doesn't like to drink coffee from plastic??!?!?!? He will though purchase coffee from the gas station and not transfer it to his mug but drink from one of their disposable cups... We've all got our quirks, but this one has sacrificed a many a set of coffee mugs over the years. I purchase "his" mugs from the second hand or dollar stores. They match nothing, I try to make them interesting, they have no chips, and yet he will always find he likes the sets better and one by one they will disappear. Our boy says he has seen them left at jobs, or hit the ground when the truck door opens. His brothers would do the same thing with our glasses. I am very visual and buy visually pleasing glasses. I have one blue one left. The others are small shards that are still on the concrete drive where Nabal's brother worked on cars. I can understand them liking the glasses, but for outdoors I have a wholesale store size bag of paper cups, 16 oz, so ample size. They all have this quirk about preferring glass.When something breaks you only notice when they all start to disappear. His mother complained of this one year, went on and on. I bought her a set of glasses on our next visit. She told me how she could never keep a set with them around. When I have time I will have to go searching the back yard for the rest of my plates and whatever silverware was with them. That also disappears. I am down to not having a full set of anything. In my life and family, if you take something outside you bring it back in, man or woman. In Nabal's world once it's dirty it's a woman's problem.

Yeah, no backwards glance from me decision.

Monday

One thing that riles me is how Nabal wants to be touchy felly in church to set a scenario. After finding all his texts and knowing what he is up to I found it odd last night that he very quietly asked me if I were still his wife. I was drifting off to sleep and instead of waking to answer I just drifted. I heard him snort like he was annoyed. He will just use it as an excuse. Double Mexican standard again. His reality is that men can do as they please and the wife waits around and quietly accepts her place. This must be why he has been harping lately on Mexicans should marry Mexicans. Yes. If his goal is to go out, whore around and come home to June Cleaver. Then... yes.

Our boy told me that Nabal and Pablo were smoking weed in the front of the truck while our boy and his friend that worked with them this summer were in the back of the cab... Don't ever question my leaving this addict. This isn't a double cab, but one that has the half door and the jump seats.

Saturday

This is going to be a long one...

Nabal was as usual to busy to go to our boy's game. He had to take the protege home... He was as could be expected drunk by the time we got home. He said he wants to 'get' our boy. Why? Because he went out with his friends. The boy hates home. Nabal thinks all of us should just sit home until he is ready to interact. He said the boy is never home, the child was home, with a group of his friends all yesterday evening. Nabal never went and said a word to any of them.

He came in and regaled us with the tale of the Pablo story. So seems that a couple getting married had asked Pablo to cook carnitas for them. He was trying to locate a pig and got caught driving on a suspended license while stopped for a light out on his tags. Nabal started the story by telling us (twice) that he took the guy to jail. We questioned as to how that came about, he started to patronize us that the police had taken him to jail, and he wouldn't believe us when we told him what he said. Anyway. Nabal said he would cook for this wedding.... Well, they never did. He thought the whole story was humorous and kinds Oh well. I feel so sorry for those people. When he was in charge of the wedding in the spring, he was soooo mad when the food was a little late.

So he had me go out and get him something special to make him for dinner, then was so understanding when I was taking our girl to meet with friends. He ate, looked at TV for a while, took a shower, shaved, put on way too much aftershave. I could smell it all the way up the hall in the kitchen. I looked around the corner and could see he had his 'good' jeans on. He passed out on the bed. Couldn't resist, looked at his phone. He and Mary had been keeping up a conversation at least since 6:30 or so. ending up with him asking to take her out at around 10:00. She replied asking where he was going. So... It's on. Right before this he was talking about selling our rental property, building an apartment to rent out behind our house, buying an new house in the country, paying off his truck and buying me a new car. He spent more money in his head then he will get for the house. Oh yeah, and never mentioned paying off anything else we owe... The only realistic part of this is that we do have to, and we are going to sell the rental house as soon as the squatters leave. He actually told me I could 'pick up' a little job after all that. Now... why the hell does he think I am in school studying for a job that pays $25 an hour and that I love? To get some few hours a week job and put up with his crap. Hell no! This ain't Mexico! I'm not going to sit home while he goes out with every whore in town, waiting for him to get home so I can feed him! He had better go out there and get with Isela, she'll put up with his shit, she was raised in the same place he was and has the same 'traditions.' He really has lost his damn mind!

Nabal came and asked me what was wrong if muscles vibrated. He said he thinks his phone is vibrating and when he takes it out realizes it is his muscle in his leg. Seems to be happening all over his body. Gotta look that one up.

Also I noticed he has another friend's car in our yard. He has turned our yard into a stereotypical Mexican yard- full of cars. Well, bless Pete! He has been working on it for days now. Funny, when my car needs anything I have to do it myself, our boy helps, or have it done. And I mean blown bulbs, windshield wipers, washing. In fact the last time he needed wipers he complained loudly to a friend that he didn't have time and no one helped him that I went and bought them and put them on his truck. He didn't even say thank you. Just made some smart assed comment. I threw the old wipers in the back of his truck and went into the house. Never mentioned it again.

Friday

Not a bad day, a church day so Nabal is abstaining. I was again working and could not have calls. He didn't have money and forgot the water. He called me 3 times. The water cooler was, last I saw it used to cool beer bottles. This is his day to take a break from drinking. Well, at least for the last few weeks and is drink Gatorade. Young Pablo had his truck taken away because of a suspended license. That boy was born and raised here yet is straining to be a true Mexican. So Nabal had to go and search to find out where it was and get it back for him. He really takes care of those he loves... Or is it those that show adoration... He acts so normal sometimes, but I have come to realize that act is the operative word here.

Well... I was oh, so, wrong. So since Nabal is not drinking he fell asleep early. Had his cell on the night stand. I left the room and returned in 5 minutes or so and it was gone. He was supposedly asleep... Probably under his pillow again. So, drunk or sober, church or not. Funny I wasn't going to check up on it tonight. One he is sober and fully functioning (aside from his dope smoking) so he will erase. And two, each day he is sober I really still do have hope that it will stick and that he will change. Why am I still so gullible if just in the back of my mind. I personally can't get over what has happened in all these years, but he was once, I guess, a good guy. He has stuck around for all these years. So I hope he can pull out of this. He does not have to be his mother, alone, grasping and greedy. Another reason we all need to be away from the day to day. I learned long ago that it is no use hating anyone. You harbor all the emotion, you handle all the stress, you are stuck while the object of your hate is off enjoying life. Not thinking about you. So with that emotion reserved only for the pervs of this world I tend to life and let live. Forget injustices pretty easily and react to people as they present themselves. This is trouble when it comes to liars. Not my forte...

Thursday

I got home from school and the kids were still out. Nabal was home and all the lights were out. As I got out of the car I could hear him somewhere talking on the phone. He came in after the kids got in and asked if I was home yet. I came out and there he is eyes beet red and him swaying. "Hey, you're home early." I looked at my watch and it was 11:38. I told him and he comes over and pretty much used me for balance and said, "It's time to go dance." He was still filthy from work. I suggested that it was time for him to go take a shower. He did do that and came out dressed in jeans and a T shirt. Oh yeah, and his belt. He proceeded to go lay down on the bed and is there, fully dressed, passed out... snoring.

Our boy can't take it any more so he is going to go back to his friend's house. We are going to see what he can work out with the boy's mother about staying there at least until I'm out of school in February. I can at least do something about contributing food. No one wants to be around the constant drinking. Today when we got home from school Nabal and the protege were already sitting in the truck sucking on limes an... drunk. That was 4:15. He drove off immediately. I wonder if the toll on his body is anywhere near the toll it is taking on his family. Fir the first time in my life I wish I could just fast forward to February and have a job in my career and be in the position to release Nabal, which will really release all of us.

So. the private calls that he knows nothing about are back. At least tonight. He talked 28 minutes to the unknown person, and that is why I heard him talking somewhere and also why he didn't know when I got home. I think he knew, he was close enough for me to hear him. He just looks for things to lie about. Or he could have seen me and forgotten...

Wednesday

Came home from school to find that Nabal was not home. He left very early in the evening, after he ate and took a shower. Mr responsible left our girl 14 home alone all that time. He didn't even bother to tell her he was leaving, she just realized that she was alone. He wandered in at 12:30 am talking on his phone. He laid down on the sofa and is now passed out. Yes, he is leaving one way or another. I am tired of subconsciously counting on him to be a dad and have him fail miserably. Today I found out he has for the last week not only left the basement door unlocked, but open. I have been on him for years in his careless handling of security in our house. The simple things like locking doors when he leaves and someone else is home. He did at lease lock the front door when he left. What if someone would have been watching our house and knew our girl was home alone? Anything could have happened. And he in all that would have found a way to either blame me or our boy. Never himself.

Tuesday

So this morning Nabal didn't remember our boy getting home last night, and he didn't remember talking to me as he asked the same questions about school as he did when I got in. He's off to work, so maybe he won't drink as much.

Did I mention that the credit card finally died. He was running us to the poor house. The strip died about a month ago so no more "Chaaaargit!" I only have $400 to go and it's paid off! A drunk and a credit card should never be allowed out together.

A recollection. This summer our boy bought a wooden puzzle ball. When he got home he wanted to share it with Nabal. Nabal, who was drunk, looked at the ball in his hand, then dropped it on the floor where it splintered apart. He had a very superior look and evil grin. He said, "It didn't bounce." Then laughed. Kept looking at us as if we were killjoys for not getting his joke. See, we live in a house of things broken by the drunk. Old things and new. Nabal never replaced it or offered to. The boy was so mad because for him it was a symbol of something new. I do need to replace it when we have money. I have seen his brothers do similar things thinking it was very funny, and telling anyone who got mad that they were being sensitive or lecture them about being attached to material things. They will make a great show of, "Well if you're going to cry about it, I'll buy you a new one." But that never happens. If you remind them the answer is always, "Pinche (whatever!" Like they are being unjustly bothered. You are annoying.

Why do I believe Nabal when he says he will make dinner for us? I got everything he needed. When I got home from school he had just run in. He made eggs for himself. Then remembered to ask if he could go get everyone else something. Kids ate for themselves and I just wasn't hungry. I went to the kitchen and there was a bottle of juice on the floor. Then I realized what had happened when I put it back in the refrigerator. Nabal had knocked it down getting the eggs out of the fridge and just never bothered to pick it up. Egg shells were on the stove. He was mad at our boy and let slipped by saying under his breath, "Yes, I'm taking him with me." So... he does remember. And he is, to my knowledge sober. Not a minute later he was being rude, trying to be romantic. I realized that his version of romance is the rude stuff guys say to each other when they are immature young men. He is over 40! He has been using the same stale lines for years and just cracks himself up. As any pimple faced sophomore in a locker room would. I guess I'm lucky towel snapping isn't his favorite past time.

I see he was texting Isela at 11 this morning. She was working. Well, that's going to be fun when he pulls his control thing on her. See, everyone is supposed to be available whenever he wants to talk. I was on a shift where there are no phones allowed, and he knows it. But he called twice anyway. He wanted to check on a bill I was to send out. I'm sure it was a bee in his bonnet. He has done this in the past, then complains that I won't answer his calls. will tell him I can't he will say I won't. Such an insecure man! Wait until he has a job where he can't talk on the phone anytime he wants to. He must have been texting up a storm today. He even texted me, which went to my email, then called to ask if I got it. When I said no he hung up. I had to call him back to ask what he said. Very simple he wanted the checking balance. Yet he couldn't ask that when he called/ He's covering. Must have been someone there who might have asked who he was texting and he likes to be able to show them my name...

Monday

Funny, now that the telephone bills of Nabal and the protege are split. The protege has no texts for the month, but Nabal has 246! 2:22 pm, Nabal and the protege started drinking. He has new jobs coming through so I guess it's time to celebrate. Nabal has started acting like a scolded child. I just want to get through this and as he says, release him. I think he is fooling himself or it has to be his idea and leave a mess in his wake. I'm not crying, pleading and probably don't look worried. I hope this doesn't make him think twice and change his mind. I am not going through another 10, 5, or even 3 years if I can help it. The kids need a stable place. And I need to not have to worry about if he will kill someone with my name on everything too. I don't need to be called names, accused or treated badly and pointedly brought down to make him feel big. He wanted to leave up until now. I am more than capable of living alone. Of counting on myself. I did it for 30 years, and can for another 30 if I need to. I like solitude if the only choice is between an alcoholic and that. I hope there is a mature relationship out there for me, but solitude is fine for now, and forever if it comes to that.

Nabal drank after church and visited one of the ladies from church in the hospital. He passed out on the sofa and I had a restful, peaceful sleep. When he sleeps upstairs my sleep is broken and I wake a lot. I don't dream much either. Last night I dreamed all through the night, remembered most of them in a shadowy way and they were all pleasant and calming. Like I have an alter world I escape to...

Came home to a very drunk Nabal explaining to me that there were no skunks in our neighborhood even though the smell was everywhere outside. He was texting Mary. From her: don't be mad... but we had to close.

He ate then passed out, at 10:30 pm. The protege moved last weekend, so now he has to either import drinking buddies or wait for them to show up. He has a few good jobs coming up. Hopefully enough to keep him happy.

Friday

Nabal thinks himself king Nabal. So I was cleaning up some in the basement, where he has was sleeping last week and watches TV almost every night. Covers folded, check. The thing is that he knocks over things and doesn't pick them up, but continues to walk over them. Moves furniture and doesn't put it back. Leaves garbage-apple cores, and dirty dishes. I saw the movie 'Date Night' and so understood her complaint about open drawers... My children have acquired the same habits. Nabal's mother cleaned up after them because men in Mexico don't clean up when there is a woman who 'should' be cleaning. I have trash cans all over the place, but I seem to be the only one who notices... For years I could keep up with them, now that the kids are bigger, and I go to school I can't keep up. The house is just dirty and it makes me sick. Many half finished projects nothing is ever completely done.

Today Nabal reached new heights in shifting blame. He blames a contractor who kept us busy for years on some very nice projects for our having to pay so much insurance. He actually said we did not put money away. I did put money away, he got mad because he wanted it all in the checking account! He would pull it out to pay his guys when there was not work. Yet somehow it is the contractor's fault for paying us for the work we did...??? He should write a book... 'The Art of Blame Shifting.' Today he blamed me for not knowing something earlier... He completely excuses himself from not having even attempted checking on information. Then he leaves the house saying, "Everyone and everything is against me." I didn't even attempt to answer.

So now after 2 recent years of threatening to leave or asking me to leave Nabal is scouting the houses looking for one to buy... for us. And what are we paying for it with? He can look for something for himself or have Isela look for something for them in TX or MX. I don't quit get him and his delusions, but I guess they are not there for me to get. (skips along her merry way getting along with her life) I'm guessing he is alright when he is creating havoc, but when his havoc makes no ripple in time for anyone because we just don't care anymore he is figuring out a new tactic. Now he is going to be the family cheerleader. He was supposed to go to back to school nights this week because I am in school at that time, but he got drunk instead... His mouth and his actions are miles apart... Let's see if he makes it to our boys games this year. 4 1/2 more months of school and who knows I may take that job in WV. The pay is pretty good and it's cheaper, Nabal can go on to TX. And I can rent my house and have cover it. Sad really it was paid for until Nabal was so adamant about taking out money to buy something that never became available and using all the money to keep his company going. At least some of it went to finishing our basement.

Wednesday

Our boy came back home yesterday, and today Nabal is drunker than he has been in a long time. Our boy came in from a school event about 6:30 and he says Nabal could hardly stand. Welcome home, Somehow Nabal managed to go out and not return until 10:00. Wonder if he was driving drunk or if someone else was driving. Knowing what Nabal thinks of most other people I;m sure he drove. He was talking earlier about hunting down the new house of some renters who owe a lot of back rent. We really have no work right now, so I know that has him upset.

I came to a realization today while I was driving. Alcoholics blame how they act and what they say on the alcohol and say that's just the way the alcohol makes them act. So, why when it looks like everything is really about to hit the fan, and everyone around them has reached the finally straw are drunks able to control themselves while drunk? Nabal is nicer to all of us. Even trying to seemingly make amends even when he is drunk. A real change. So, my thought is that the whole I can't control myself when I drink is a cop out. When they have to they can control how they treat others. He knows he is about to lose everything I'm sure of it.

Saturday

Out again by 10:00 pm... Drank all day. Nabal has been nicer, but has taken up sleeping in the basement. Then he invites me to sleep there... on the pull out bed. I'm not getting this at all. He passes out and I get a good night's sleep.

Wednesday Night

And he's down for the count. Passed out on the sofa in his work clothes. At least he's being a civil drunk these days. But even that isn't sitting well with anyone. Living with a drunk sucks, even a civil drunk... When they are friendly they want to talk, then you have to smell the stale beer coming at you on currents of air.

So, Nabal is suddenly taking some interest in the house again. He had some extra sealer so he's sealing the driveway. This is a good thing because the house outside has begun to reflect what is going on inside. This means that you can't even go outside to cheer up anymore. He broke the lawnmower last year and we have had to rely on a gentlemen who is cutting the grass for free... Because Nabal won't pay him. Our boy paid his $100 out of his own money... he was embarrassed.

Wednesday

I was giving our boy and one of his friends a ride last night, and when I moved my purse for him to get in what would roll out. A Corona bottle. Just a little calling card, left wherever Nabal has been. Labor Day Nabal was using my car because our boy had his truck. And he used all my gas. I had gas for another week and he used it in one day. I have wondered about that for years... He can drive the same places as I do and use twice as much gas getting there.

A fat stomach and a boney face is a sign of liver disease...

Labor Day

A little welding, a little drinking, a little setting the grass on fire... Saw Nabal and the protege running around and finally heading for the hose. Humorous...

So Nabal, last week came in and decided we would all go to NY City for the weekend... Told him we did not have the money for anything like that, plus traveling with him even sober is an ordeal... He tells me how he has a lot of checks to collect and everyone was going to pay him on Thursday. I tried to explain that that money needed to go to bills, then I decided to just ignore him. Good thing. No one paid and he was counting change to buy beer... He says, "Oh, just get a cheap motel in NY City." Do they exist! Well, anyway. Nabal was asking me what was our boy's problem, said the boy was acting like he had done something to him. Then looked all innocent and said he had not... Denial...

So Nabal seems to be texting everyone... Covering his numbers I guess. Remember- he's hooked. He had the nerve to ask me about a book of poetry that was in my aunts house after she died. The book is over 100 years old and is a collection of Longfellow I believe. Well, his other wino brother made up some grand story of why he needed it. He is a janitor in an elementary school and has asked to teach something about poetry. (I don't make this stuff up) He needs that book because all his books are in Spanish. I told Nabal to tell him to go to the library... The whole family! and the older they all get, the worse they get... He has pretty much coveted that book since he first laid eyes on it. Hell, if anybody is gonna sell that book to get by it's gonna be me, even though I wouldn't since our girl is a poet and that book is for her.

Nabal took the house phone and his Q-tip box (has someone's number written on it) and went down to the basement. There he passed out. Another quiet night here in addiction land...

Thursday

Nabal is quite chipper today, of course it comes at the price of him wandering in a 4 a.m. after passing out cold in his truck. His first binge in a week or two. Our boy is digging into his studies, he needed some space to start off right. He's such a bright boy, and he almost believes in himself now...

Wednesday

Nabal had a cooler full of Coronas tonight. He and the protege (who hasn't been drinking) polished them all off by 9:30. He's passed out in his truck now, either that or the drunks across the street are out and he doesn't want to stumble by them since he always talks about them. Talks about them being drunks... He probably passed out while texting. He was pretty happy tonight when I got in. First time he's talked in days.

Nabal's stomach has an odd shape. Not a beer belly, but like something pushing through his ab muscles which are still intact and defined. Got to get him to the doctors. That will be pretty much impossible now that the jobs are scarce and the money is gone. I'm waiting on confirmation on a job, keeping my fingers crossed. His face nor anything else is gaining weight, just his stomach.

Yup, passed out cold- beer in hand, radio on.