If I say more than 3 sentences. Interact like a normal human being in a neutral fashion. Why does Nabal assume this is an invitation to ask for sex? Assume it means I want to resume an intimate partnership with him?
Nabal has been particularly nice and unusually sober lately. Trying the full court press to get me back to, as he says: be his wife, his little lady.
Bingo! He needs to get a contractor's license. I held one until I realized he doesn't always do business well. He tried to get his own when he first was leaving the marriage for Mary, but his drinking got in the way. He claims the test proctor left and he didn't know how to turn the computer on...
I'm in the process of acquiring another certification and told him no.
Nabal: Can you find out if I can take the class online? Can I just get the book?
Later he asks where can he take the test.
Nabal: Can you find out where I can take it?
This is the man who can find sex partners online. Trolls YouTube for very odd sex acts...yet can't find out about his own business? I call bs! He's trying to suck me into his business. Because...That's what he really needs from me. No more, no less. Oh, and an easy sex receptacle. It's not about me- it's about his needs.
The other day, very drunk: You mean to tell me you haven't slept with anyone? Who can do that?
What a twisted jerk. Heck yeah, I'd rather be other places, with someone else. But...it's just not going to happen...ever. Wasn't an affair. Never so much as went to dinner or talked much beyond old times and old friends. I'm not free to talk to anyone about a future I don't have. I've let Nabal jerk me around for so long- he wants a divorce, he's leaving, I agree, he's never going to leave, I belong to him, he's never letting me go because he lives me do much. I've just realized it's probably for the best to let everybody and everything go. Everything except my work. Get enough money to take back my possessions. I'm sure there's an easier way...I just don't see it. I'm doing what I can see as right, thought it's probably pitifully backward. I know I desperately need advice...no one to ask. Because when old friends say:
Gosh we haven't talked in so long. Give me a call.
I don't call...and neither do they. It's called social niceties. Trying to be nice to the old friend who needs to move on...but for some reason just won't. It's why I like work- no one knows who I am, what I live with, just another woman with the same career. I do know I drove most friends away in the first years. I was in recovery mode and talked incessantly about my problems. I look back and realize I didn't think people would believe me unless I described everything.. It's a symptom of being constantly questioned and your reality constantly being challenged. So, really no friends. The few still slightly around, I don't really look forward to talking to because they ask how things are. I answer as briefly as possible in a light hearted way. They automatically say I must just leave... Then I find out it's because they are in worse situations and want me to leave so they have somewhere to go... Once they realize that's not happening as fast as they'd like it to...you don't hear from them for a while. Yes, we all look for that savior, that one person who can save us. Grimace, we can only save ourselves. Eh, they say not having friends is unhealthy... I have a dog and two cats. I'm assuming they count as friends.
I've been really wanting to go to the beach... Just to be there helps me pull it together. I've put it off because I'd have to go alone. I'm off week days. So, most people are working. Or at my age I'd have to take someone who complains about all their aging woes, and what they can't do... I'm getting to the point I'll soon just go solo, because I need to be there. Before summer to beat the crowds.
I guess I'm kinda lucky in my weird upbringing. An only child, raised alone in a neighborhood devoid of children. Alone is comfortable. I only miss a few people, but I'm used to giving up people and things. I have a deep well of numbness in me, and always have. When my child wed last year, I had to consciously feel feelings. I was only marginally successful. Seems theater in high school paid off. It would be nice to feel again, but I hold no such hope. Haha, I'd admit to depression, but I just don't allow myself to dwell on it, shove it to that dark place way in the back of my mind and shut the door.
