Showing Colors

Last night...
Nabal drunk and drugged out as usual. He needs me with him. He needs me to make us big and rich. His main girl, and I believe he thinks all women, chase money. I don't.

So I asked him to tell me in words what he needed of me.

Be my lady, he says.

Umm, no. Don't trust you at all.

Please, I love you. Be my lady.

Well, I stated I was not looking to pick up any STI.

He swears he had nothing... Um, isn't that how the crap gets spread?

I mentioned his many women and the young black gay men (most say they look like teen boys- their selling point) he communicates with on Craigslist. Finally! He didn't deny that. Just said he wasn't doing that anymore.

Then he says he doesn't want sex. Nope, It's fine, he understands and just needs me to help his business.

Again I ask what he needs, and to tell me in words. This because like little kids, he wants my promise without knowing what it entails. Yeah, no. I'm closing in on 60... Crap!

So, he doesn't want me to work, stay home and do his paperwork.

I do his bills, around my work. Told him I'm not doing his financials, not my strong point. Plus he likes to play fast and loose with any rules.

I told him I like what I do, I like my work.

All of a sudden he reaches out, but never touched, and said- can I play with your boobs? I miss playing with those things. (Laughing) Then he wanted to touch my leg. I told him to stop. Then..He got mad. Tried to be over barring and told me he wasn't playing with me. I told him I wasn't playing either. Then he said he wasn't scared of me.

Huh, I wasn't intending him to be...scared.

This is why I fear. He's one of those, who I truly believe will be violent if..when I try to go. He was leaving, told me several times through the years as he promised his girl Mary he would, but me leaving...unacceptable.

For anyone who says: Oh, just leave abusive situations. This is why people don't! Usually the deaths you see, are when the leaving is finally decided by the abused. That's what sets these crazy ass, narcissistic psychopaths off. This is when they kill! They refuse to let go. Why one man killed the woman's family trying to find her. She left! Not as simple as most would like to think. Oh, and I know you'd leave...I thought so to- before it happened to me.

He always says he wants us to die together... I don't think he cares if it's natural, or something he brings about.

Yup, this is why I fear. This is why I push people away- they get frustrated with me. Do you think I'm not frustrated being here? I've decided I want out, I just haven't figured all the details. My mind still stutters on me sometimes when I try to put things together. I need help figuring things out, but not a soul to ask. No one. I'll figure it eventually. It'll be slow, but eventually.

Warped Reality...

It's sad that what makes a good day off is when the alcoholic, who came in at 4:30 a.m. saying he wanted to sleep with me on the sofa...and finally went away because I didn't engage him at all, awoke at 10 a.m. to drink the day away. At 6 p.m. he decided to come bother me about going to dinner. He now slurs do bad he's unintelligible. Oh, because he's drunk- yet he still keeps talking. He wants me to take his shoes off... Like that would every happen. Finally he takes his own shoes and socks off, then his shirt... And passed out. His stomach is getting round again, even as he lost 10lbs. Woke up viewing his undying love, and how he was going to be the best and make us rich... We were going to dinner, he was going to take a shower...after he rested for a few minutes. And he's down for the count! Going going gone!

This, this little bit of guaranteed peace and quiet makes me deliciously happy. That and going to the park and sitting by a lake to read for my next certification. It is the little things- or there would be nothing. Too often it feels like there really is nothing, and no escape. I fight hopeless every day, and many a sleepless night.

Surreal

Nabal: With the kids gone, when are we going to go do things as a couple? (Slurring drunken half English)

Do you imagine we're some normal couple? And not an an old woman with an alcoholic, cheating husband who asked for a divorce, and when I agreed changed you mind and told me I'd never be allowed to leave? Who when you said you'd never done anything wrong in our marriage, I asked what if I'd have done everything you've done. Your answer- I'd have killed you.

So why should I accept what you do? You didn't kill me, so we're together forever.

Yeah, I want to go places with you... I just don't see me getting out of this alive unless he keels over from some alcohol related issue.

Rearranging life again- new course of study to compliment my profession. I'm trying to live, really I am.