Thursday

Nabal finally got up from the couch around 10. He tried to pretend he was sick...And wanted under the covers with me. Grrrr. I happened to be talking on the phone to a girlfriend. I hardly ever talk on the phone because of that. He thinks I'm sooo distracted that he always tries to do something sexual. Last night it was attempted groping. He forgets he's the impaired one here. Blocked him and ran him away.

Talked to our boy. When he left for work in the morning Nabal was passed out in his truck. Loaded with all his guys. He didn't go to work. They stayed around drinking all day. He just crossed a line he had not crossed in the past. Progression of alcoholism.

I happened to check the bank accounts...almost $3000 in the red... I pulled money back in from reserve accounts and got it down to $900.

Lots of reading this week.

Nabal says he just hasn't had time to collect his money... He just won't admit he loses all his time in a bottle.

4:15 p.m.

And Nabal is passed out on the living room sofa. All his work guys are outside. He didn't stir when I came in the door. First time I've seen him like this in the afternoon.

Attorney Day

I saw the lawyer today. Good meeting. I feel numb. My mind is swirling. Bought a copier, everything is going on hard copy.

Last night Nabal was very drunk. Very defensive about whatever I may possibly know.

Nabal:
"Yes, I still text the lady. I've never tried to hide anything." (I beg to differ) "I care nothing for those ladies. I only love you. You are the love of my life. I thought you never loved me. It was because of the stuff you pulled. Now I see I was mean because of that." (What did I 'pull' exactly? No answer.)

"Give yourself to me. Please. Will you never forgive me? I have apologized and asked forgiveness. Why are you so hard on me? I don't care about sex. You come back and stay home and take care of my business and the kids. We'll start back where we left off." (These 'kids' are legal young adults. Let's just diaper them up again...)

"I'm never leaving you or lettering you go. We're going to die together. You never let me kiss you the way I want to show you how deeply I love you." (Sheesh, 20 odd years)

"So, after all I said you're coming home and giving me another chance right?"

No.

He went on to tell me how unfair I was. Repeatedly asked was there someone else. (Oh because whatever he's done- women on top women, daily drunkenness, screwing with the kids and my head...isn't reason enough. Nor should I hold it against him, since I pushed him to it all.)

Control.

Also got a P.O. Box today. I gave the lawyer my address at work but don't want that mistakenly found out by his lawyer if it comes to that. Don't want him to find out that address.

P.S.

Nabal went out and came back drunk.

Nabal:

"Can I sit next to you mama? Have you been thinking about me?"

Nabal suddenly changes, is angry.

"You've been checking my phone. I know you have. I don't care about those other ladies! I don't care about them!"

Nabal goes to the bathroom and returns.

"I miss you so much. If I had you, I could kick this sh_t. (He points at his beer bottle) All I need is you with me."

Nabal retreats.

And there you have it. Whatever evidence I've found is irrelevant...because he said so. Yes he talks to them...had sex with them...but hey! That's ok. He cares nothing for them.

Translation:
Go back to sleep honey. The sky is green...Not blue. Trust me. Your only dreaming. I love you..more than you love yourself. (And more than I do all those other women)

Only you can save me. I'm not responsible for what happens if you try to leave.

The Day Before 'D' Day

Nabal... how does a person lie so glibly? I guess you have to be a liar of that magnitude to get it. I am utterly confused. (but not enough to cause doubt)

Everything is: I love you, I love you. Haven't checked his phone lately...but recent behavior is irrelevant.

A lovely day I was walking in the backyard.

Good, because I got in some walking after studying on the computer inside. Also the little dogs run behind me, so we both chew up a few calories.

Depressing, because there are cars all over the yard...and one big boat. Nabal for some reason decided to cut back my plants and some of my grandfather's...at some time in the winter... It was a bad winter...I hope they all make it. One thing I looked at, that he didn't prune severely...was a weed! He asked if I wanted him to buy more... Oh, and he says someone new owns the boat. I told him to tell them to sail it their backyard!

This is why I never let him touch my bushes. The only thing he ever wanted to do was cut them all almost to the ground. Not shape them, just hack them. I know some things you do cut like that. Roses for instance. I see it as either laziness, or that's what some lawn service he worked for did. Cool, he took his orders then from someone who knew what they were doing.

Depressing, because I found all manner of dishes, scrub buckets, laundry buckets, pots, pans. It's like he just had to destroy everything. Then want to replace it with some inferior crap.

When Nabal got home he came to talk...and try to touch my hair, my arm. Grrrr. I'm not a pet! He holds out his arms- will you give me a little hug? No.

He waited until I was on the porch...no way to get away. Rubbed my arm and tried for a hug. Again, no.

Nabal: Why? What did I do. I love you.

He sounds so much like some wounded child. Tomorrow! Tomorrow I see the lawyer. If we get along, she gets all the evidence. Seven years worth. This diary included. Thank you Lundy Bancroft for strongly suggesting keeping some sort of diary to keep reality straight.

Today I looked at Nabal's text to Mary and text to me. In one breath he asks her for a girlfriend hook up, with the next giving me the ILY's. He berated her for lying to him; yet has no issue doing the exact same thing to me. Exact same!

He berated her for lying about seeing another man...for years. Confronted them, then did some sort of sexual thing to her that she didn't agree to, nor invite. We have discussed Mary...for 7 years. Never but once has he told the truth. Which truth was that? When I first caught him and his reply was, "But she's so pretty." He saw her, he wanted her...nothing would stand in his way. Why get divorced when you can have then all?

Rereading, I was taken aback at how Nabal saw their sexual encounter as taking what he saw owed to him. I'm sure he was assuaging his feeling a fool, being played by such a smooth gold digger. Then offered a lame excuse as apology. I don't get either Mary or Nabal...sweet! I don't have to!

What I worry about is that he's going to be mad as hell that he got busted. He'll blame me, for making him seek other women. I look back over our years. He's always tried to make me pay for things I never did. Why did he need to break me?

Funny thing, I always accounted his accusations as karma. Once. Once I'd betrayed my best best friend. I was young and I was wrong. I figured not being trusted in my marriage was just paying karma back. I guess that helped me deal with it. Bow my head and take it as payback from the universe. Not particularly a very Christian thought pattern...you just have to be me.

Wednesday

Nabal and the full court press...

Drunk as expected. Nabal tried getting handsie again. Something he hasn't tried in a while.

"Mama why you always get mad at me? I like touching you."

"When are you going to come home and be my little lady?"

"Let me sleep with you. Move over so I can lay down."

"Let's go to a hotel. We'll spend the night talking. Eat breakfast and spend the day talking. Ok?"

"I have something to tell you...you're gonna get mad at me. Promise me you won't get mad...Ok? Now don't get mad. (He went on to talk about intimate things while trying to recline on my legs.) I knew you'd get mad..."

"Your my wife. I'll paint the bedroom, then you come sleep with me and feel good about it."

This after I told him it was his problem that he needed a lil woman in his life.

For part of all this I was talking to our girl, who happens to be away for a month doing some training. She rarely gets to call. He truly cares about nothing but himself. He kept trying to interrupt. Acting like he couldn't understand why I wasn't paying attention to him. I noticed he caught himself a few times, when he remembered who I was talking to, before hee got nasty that I want hanging up.

I was waiting for his 'big' confession... maybe he was going to come clean. Nope!

"I have no one in my life...no one"

Entitlement, entitlement, entitlement. Lies to cover lies to cover lies. He really does see women as...objects? Low life's? Shallow?

All he's got to do is successfully bed them...and he has them. Didn't he learn that doesn't work from Mary? In fact she called him on that very thing after their encounter. She told him he thought by confronting her with get guy friend, then forcing himself on her that he'd win her. She told him, in so many words, that neither of them had her, nor had any chance of holding her. Ah, but I see that since he did what he did, and let's face it, got away with it. Nabal believes he didn't really do anything bad. Mary did not call the law on him. They continued their banter. He seemingly is forgiven as a friend who went too far. Maybe she figured now she'll get guilt money out of him.

All I've got to say: Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

One more week...and I'll find out how this is all going to go down.

I Did It!

Got a hot date with a good lawyer in a few weeks!

Well an appointment. I think I sounded like an imbecile...just speaking with the lawyer had me shaking. Gosh, here we go again, just like my first ALANON meeting. Took me 3 tries before I could walk into a meeting. A woman welcomed another new woman and me, telling us that the first time she'd come into a meeting- she'd felt like she was betraying her alcoholic. The other woman burst into tears. I was speechless. This woman had explained to me what I was feeling! It was such a revelation. How could I, who lived with all that crazy, actually feel as if I were betraying him. The originator of my family's hell.

I am looking back now, and looking at the here and now. It's as if my thoughts, my feelings were a river. I know this river as if I were a native of these waters. And indeed that I am. Yet there is another current flowing far below the surface. A current, foreign to my waters. As if some other entity, maybe a devastating storm, had done something far upstream, unbeknownst to me to create this treacherous current. This current surfaces at times, taking me unawares. Troubling the water in a way that...startles me? Confuses me? Makes me doubt my ability to navigate the familiar waters of my being.

I feel so alone. I have good friends around me, but I feel I mostly hold my own hand.  They mean well. They want the kids and me out of this and safe, but at times they get a little pushy... I have to step back. Time...It's been 7 years too many. I know this.

This is like that first high dive. You want to do it. (Wouldn't be up there if you didn't.) That fear of unknown. Knowing one thing for sure- once you start...you're in, all in. No turning back. In your head you know the how of it, but if you land wrong...

Nabal had been very low key with his drinking lately. He tries the shy boy act. Innocently coming beside me attempting to casually put his arm around me. (Something he never did all these years.) Trying to touch me in some way. Asking if he can lay down with me. Standing like a toddler with arms outstretched, asking for a hug our kiss. Begging for a kiss in a child's voice. Just kinda creepy knowing what I know.

The IRS is on Nabal again- he didn't pay his quarterlys...again. For the first time he actually had the money. He doesn't want to deal with any of it. He asked me if I had stamps. I told him our boy did. He asked me could he buy then anywhere... He knows he can! He is trying to...I don't know act like a child? Trying to nudge something in me that he believes wants to take care of him? Just mind boggling.

Nabal asked me today if I had the number to the jail. Umm, not something I keep on my speed dial. Pablito got locked up again. My boy saw he was sliding towards the edge...again. That was weeks ago.

My boy turned 21 this week. A man. I truly hope I provided enough influence, soon enough. Soon enough to turn him acting anything like Nabal. The drinking, the way Nabal thinks about women. I told my boy I love him with all my heart, but if I ever caught him in any of those behaviors I'd call him to the carpet on it all.

Lord may he follow your ways not the ways of his earthly father.