Thursday

Got a report today that Nabal may have accompanied Ms. Mary to her sister's New Years Eve party. Where the sister was so upset by her date...they had to leave.

Why? The sister doesn't like how controlling the guy is. Tries to tell Mary what to wear. Who she should be friends with. Where she should go and checking in... Plenty in this town. I noticed from the start Nabal was treating Ms. Sims in a way more controlling way then he every did me. The way he seems to be attempting to head with me...if I'd just come back. I'll need to verify this somehow.

Stumbled onto this information by running into an old friend at the grocery store.

Wednesday Night...

I am: confused, frustrated, fearful, getting angry, see no safe way out.

Nabal wanted me to bring home a 12 pack. He could hardly stand already when I got home...sans beer.

Another 30 odd minutes of his ramblings recorded.

Highlights:

Little lady I'm never going to let you get away from me.

I cried all day for you.

Come back and be my wife...and do everything I tell you to do.

You're my king. King? No, you're my queen.

You need to quit your job and stay here. I'm going to be strict on you when I get you back. Very strict. I'm going to make you do whatever I want then.

You let me down, that's why I'm like this.

I never did anything wrong

Those other women...they acted like I was their daddy.

(Umm what other ladies? You never did anything wrong...right?)

So you're never going to forgive me what I did wrong?
Me: And what did you do?
Nabal: Whatever I did wrong.

We are married for f**ing ever.

I want us to die together. I want to die in your arms.

I don't want sex anymore.

(then came back downstairs and bugged me to sleep with him. Until he fell asleep standing up.)

I need help big time. I feel hopeless at this point. Just getting tired.

Wednesday

I've taken to staying over on Monday nights. Just one more day without Nabal. I'm getting so very frustrated with the while situation. I'm finally getting as frustrated add everyone around me...no one gets why. People I work with. Friends who keep their distance.

I called to answer Nabal's numerous text and calls. Yes I was on my way...

Today my daughter told me after her got off the phone he turned to her and said, "Mommy says she loves me! She can't wait to see me."

My daughter was pretty dang sure I had said no such thing...

So...why would Nabal say that?

Yesterday Nabal tried to play 20 questions. What was I doing on my phone? Howe long did I drive today?

What was I writing? I was purposefully vague- directions. Where and when are you going? He tried to be light and cheerful. I asked him to repeat himself. He kinda deflated when I informed him it was knitting directions for a project... He smiled, played it off and left.

20 questions for Nabal equals control. He played that crap with Mary and to a lesser extent me through the years. No, not going backwards or back.

I've also realized I need to stop shipping coming home a day late... He's getting more insistent. Trying harder.

Cheap Words

The other day Nabal was on his mantra: I love you. Every other word.

I always blow it off. So easily said, not so easily played out in real time. He asked if I didn't believe that he did. I probably snorted.

It just struck me, that and rereading Lundy Bancroft's book this weekend. I get annoyed when he tries to tell me what I'm feeling or thinking. I don't have the right to tell him what he feels or thinks he feels.

From him, to me, they have become cheap words. I've seen him text the same words to three other women...simultaneously! Might I say a dime a dozen. Cheap discount words with the only intent to get him laid. He repeats it ad nauseum, like a charm, a hex, a talisman. This when pretty much everything that exudes from his mouth is liable to be an untruth.

Maybe it's not that he's per se lying...perhaps we just have dissimilar definitions of the phrase.

Busted Deacon

I already related how Nabal finished his days as a church deacon when sometime finally told on him.

I was just thinking about that when a detail came to mind.

Nabal said he had gone to the neighborhood where the guy lived looking for him...to beat him up...but the guy ran away. Lets break this down.

The most reverent church deacon, who enjoyed the deference paid to him by the flock. (of course after the pastor.) He prayed over these people. The deacon who in the end was the antipathy of any description of a deacon in the Bible. The deacon whom most of Proverbs speaks against most of what he does. Went looking for a man who told the pastor about his uncouth, bad even by non church folk standards behavior. (unless he was actually in church!) To beat the man up? Do I need too say more? Then accuse the man of lying...when all the time he spoke the truth.

Yes this its called remorseless.

Wednesday Revelation

I just put together that Nabal is sweet, just trying to work on this marriage and please this woman during the day.

He only turns insistent and ugly once he's had a drink or two.

There's a method there...I can almost grasp it. It'll come to me by and by.

Still Tuesday

Nabal its now very drunk. The upside is I recorded 30 minutes of his crazy fluctuating talk trying to get sex.  He says one thing, says something completely different a few minutes later, then changes again the next few minutes. His fault, my fault, her never did anything wrong, he's sorry for all the wrong, he forgives me for all my wrong. And there you have it. Or rather I have it all recorded.

Ha! I found out tonight he did have someone tell what he did to his church. The guy who had quit drinking and Nabal made the man his project to get him drinking again. The man was going to church. Nabal claims the guy had some designs on the lady pastor, and the only reason the guy told on him was to make points with the lady. Then with the same breath Nabal says the man told lies to the woman. You know: he was drinking and smoking with everyone he brought to church. He was a bad witness and influence. Lies?

Now the guy is in dire straights and needs money. He asked Nabal. Nabal asked me if he should give the man the money regardless of the 'lies' he told. I asked him what was the lie. Nabal replied that well it wasn't exactly a lie, just that the reason the guy told was to get in with the woman.

This will explain a text I saw from her... The lady pastor asked him why he had been telling lies about her.  Oh the plot thickens...

Nabal claims that its when he stopped going to church. The woman asked him about his behavior and he confessed.

Oh to hear the truth of what went down. He just never tells the truth...at all. I had wondered what lies he told. Didn't even try to figure it out. Just filled it.

He said that he was going to take the high road and give the man the money. He didn't use the high road language...but that was the jist.

I just realized Nabal does a lot of forgiving of other people for things he did and and/or lied about. So, in essence is he forgiving himself...?

My fortune cookie tonight: Don't mistake temptation for opportunity.

Well, ok.

Nabal asked was I losing weight. Am I ok? It looks to him like I'm losing weight. Nabal: I don't want you to lose weight. Alrighty then...

Nabal: why is you're skin so soft? Its because you married me. (he smiled proudly) You married the little chihuahua and your skin became to be soft. (Yup, his words exactly)

Seriously? I'm through...good night!

Tuesday

Nabal: Chickie chickie chiquita! Love you. Love you so much. Well?

Me: There's just been to much crap and I don't care.

Nabal: I haven't done any crap. (as he runs back up the stairs)

I know I was blunt. I have to make sure there its no misunderstanding. I know for fact his phone action, though I do believe he and Mary are probably on outs since she won't put out. (after all the money he spent...tsk tsk tsk)

And he's back...

Nabal: You are mistaking my friends for girlfriends.

Oh yeah all a mistake... Doesn't every male friend all their women friends to become pregnant by them? General friend conversation in platonic relationships about eating said young lady.... Oh yeah...my mistake.

Thus is why I have to be blunt- He asks about three birth order of the kids cousin. I tell him.

Nabal: Come on baby, come talk to me upstairs.

Me: No.

Nabal: You just don't want to talk to me.

Me: Nope.

He refuses to deal. Pretend and attack afresh. Be pitiful. Any civility on my part is seen as a chink in my armor...

Trembling

I've decided to definitely see a lawyer... My anxiety level just skyrocketed. I feel weepy. Shaky. Sad. I don't believe it's because I'm sad over the marriage gone bad. That happened years ago..many lies ago. I'm fearful of the outcome. I'm fearful of what Nabal will do to keep his reality a reality.

He's, and I believe he really is believing his own stories, trying to make me feel responsible for him. If he's hurt he wants me to heal him instead of going to the doctor. If I give up my job and run his company- we could be wealthy. We could rule the world. When I do this..it's highly possible that he will see me a destroying 'his' world. How desperate will that make him? Would he, could he get to: If he can't use me...no one will. If I'm useless to him...I have no other reason to breath air. Would he rather 'we' die together?

I'm scared out of my wits...but this has all dragged out far too long.

I know practically for fact that if Mary or any if these other women really did more than talk; allowed him to 'make' sex with them. He'd be gone without a trace. I can only believe what I've already seen. When he thought one would give in...he told me he was leaving because he had better places to be.

Of course he may have been trying to tame my independence since he believes it's his right to have as many women as he chooses...while keeping a wife at home. (after all his uncle did)

Wednesday

I just told a girlfriend that I want out so bad I can taste it.

Came in yesterday to the all new and improved Nabal. (and Mr. Hyde will be back in...5, 4, 3, 2, 1)

Nabal was washed and in clean clothes, said he'd been to church. Oh, and he's not been able to work all week with the low temps. That's why he's clean. He was in his fourth or fifth Corona...

All day today I saw him very little. Yay! When he did come down...he would touch me. Not threateningly per se, but in purposeful taking liberties, ownership fashion... Then go away looking down trodden when I pulled out of his reach.

This evening same crap. I'm so pretty. I want you. Cierro... (accompanied by boyish looks) Take me back. Come be my wife once again. I was crazy, didn't know what I was doing. This time I'll be nice.

This is all the same I have seen him write recently to 3 different women. One new one I found, with a Kentucky number, who was at that moment in Texas for the holidays, had to remind him he was married. He was making promises wanting her to relocate with him...etc. They converse in Spanish.

Ahh now I see. He's making another push to visit his family in Mexico... Flat out told him no. Not interested. He asked if I didn't care for them anymore? Grrrr.

How many years has it been? He's thinking he's pretty slick these days keeping his dirt hidden. (if I divulge what I know...he would hide it all.) His actions killed any shred of anything in me for him years ago. He suggested many times we divorce. I agreed. He'd come back later to 'reassure' me he wasn't going anywhere... Reassure me? I could breath again every time I thought he was going! His ongoing affairs with Mary and Isela. The drinking and drugging in front of the kids. His behavior when he had a piece of money... Treated me like trash. The way he treated our boy...and lied about it. Never did anything in front of me. The subtle way he had treated or girl, trying to undermine her self esteem. Nothing. Left. But he continues to try to reinvent reality. Wants his cake...yada...you know.

Now? He needs me to uphold whatever lie he's told his family. Then he keeps offering me food. No I really don't like to eat what he's prepared, and neither do the kids. We don't trust him. We've all at various times seem him drop food on the floor (lots of it) and use it without rinsing... Seen him rub cooked food on his crotch and put it on a plate for me. (that to the guffaws of his drinking buddies) Had him put beer in the children's food...after it was cooked! Be my guest...anyone else can eat what he fixes, but not me.

So he's offering food, drink and cookies... No thank you. "You're my wife. You seem to forget that." And we're back to that... Oh trust me, we never really left. He tries the honey approach since I'm no longer moved nor do I flinch when he tries to be domineering.

I was drinking water. "What are you drinking?" I replied, water. "tequila?" "You need to drink tequila! You'd be better if you drank tequila. We need to go out and drink a lot." "Come sleep with me." (also see- be my wife again. Same meaning)

I have never been a sloppy drunk... Why do drunks want everyone around them to drink like they do? Oh yeah, makes them feel better. No, feel superior.

I can almost taste it.

Really just fed up... He sees it as his rights as a man to have a wife and girlfriends... And such a glib liar he is. I told him I figured Mary would be up for a to Mexico. I almost let slip, tell her you'll buy jewelery. Not ready to tip my hand quite yet. "There are no other girlfriends." Laughs. If he could find one to do his bidding...he'd be history quick.

I think Mary is quite talented at getting large sums of money and presents out of men and actually never giving much in return... Something tells me they really never have done anything beyond maybe kissing and petting... Gosh...all they need is acne! But...I'm a person manipulated in past by a talented liar. Still don't fully trust myself if judgments... I assume must people these days are lying to one degree or another. I hate living like this... In past, everyone was innocent until I saw different. Now I go from start assuming lies and looking for them. Even with old friends... My mind is still so tangled behind all this crap. Will I live long enough to get back to normal? Some days I feel I'll never get that chance.

Tuesday

Nabal ramblings:

When are you going to be my wife again? I'm hungry- cook me something then we can sleep together.

Come back to my, your, bed. Thus time I'll be really nice.

Want to go to Mexico in March?
Me: No.

Oh, what, now you're making money your better than us? Your better than your family? You separate yourself from us.

(He got crickets... Why the heck answer a manipulator looking for a toe hold?)

Thursday

Just crazy crap...
Nabal: Be my lady one more time.
Nabal: