Monday...Still

I do not have good luck watching 48 Hours... Tonight a wife killed by her husbands of 20+ years.

Enter very drunk Nabal with food no one will eat. We know what he does to food when he's drunk.

And how does he not get caught drunk driving on Memorial Day?!

Anyway, I was dozing. He eats whopping and cursing loudly. Right beside me. The show goes through the basic premise of the episode. Nabal says to me, "I don't want you to die chicita. I need you in my life." (what the hell??) "Can I sleep with you tonight? I just want to play with you sometime." He falls backward into the corner of the wrap around couch. Last words: "Oh, but you never think of that." Nabal passes out. 10:40pm

Did I mention we have a last stop house for men in a recovery program down the street? They have all finished their years of recovery and this is their last step before they are in their own again. Nabal has a few of these guys drinking again... Really?! Our son...is disgusted. I would take any who wanted to go to church... Nabal is just selfish. Wants to prove no one can stop drinking. In fact hates the people who can and have, or people who can resist. All the while claiming he can stop anytime. Calling others he's coerced filthy drunks.

His other endearment tonight...I guess if you aren't willing to quit working...I have to keep getting drunk. As my witness, go to the beginning of all this and you see me home dealing with angry kids and keeping his business together- and him drinking again. He says come home and we can build a big business. When he gets big, and he was, he tells me it's his money...and blows it. Nope, didn't cause it, got nothing to do with it!

Monday

Got home early around 5...Yup, drunk already. Celebrating memorial day.

Last week our girl observed to me, since Nabal seemed so disheartened that I wouldn't be able to accompany him to church last Wednesday since I worked an extra day, that she wasn't sure what church he was supposed to be going to. Saturday night he was drinker than drunk, and as she headed out to work at 10 in the morning...he was throwing down beer already.

Nabal is...trying to show that he is the loving husband. Running to get doors. Cam I have hug? Please please please. Trying to kiss my sleeved arm... Will I come sleep with him tonight? Oh joy...we can touch each other. (Nabal's words) When can I get a weekend off to go to Mexico? The whole family would go... He won't take that he is the only one who wants to go. The boy is thinking of using his vacation to revisit Europe. The girl...just isn't feeling it at all. She'd love to meet up with one female cousin, but the rest of the BS is too much. The drunk grandma. (if she's not drinking at the moment...Nabal will make sure she is by the time he leaves! The drunk uncles, and possibly now drunk cousins. I...have vowed to never go back. At least with Nabal, and not to his mother's house. All his brothers are having wife troubles? Well, too late for this wife.

He is back at playing the poor slighted husband. "You don't like me anymore." (sad sad voice)

Still trying to turn the tables... Mean mean mommy. (i know I'm the wife-that's what he says...) I need to quit work and help him build up his company real big. I don't need to work. Just sounds like a one way ticket to where I was. To his being the real him...because I'd be penniless again and unable to go anywhere. When I told him I like what I do. That was the point where he decided I didn't like him. Redirect much?! Trying to plant, that what I like is bad of me if it doesn't benefit him directly or takes me away from being directly at his beck and call.

When will I just get completely tired of all this. Get over being worried about what he will or won't do and come to grips that nothing is worse than being with Nabal! The thought of he and I together again...is so depressing...I think I'd just wither away.

It's all such a broken record kind of existence. Getting tired. Too old to let life just go on like this till I die.

Last night Nabal drunk called at midnight. I was asleep. He will plainly state that he doesn't care if he wakes me. He just wants to be disruptive. He just wants what HE wants. I have the phone set so it doesn't ring. That want the first time.

A small thing- now that all our towels look like crap because they have been used to wipe up messes instead of dry off bodies... I've been waiting for a bigger check to buy new towels. The ones we have are clean, but stained beyond belief. They've been in use for years and got that way this last year. Nabal announced that he bought a towel. Not towels. A towel... And when I got the chance could I wash it for him. A small thing, but paints such a big picture.

Friday

I'm not really sure when this is from, except that it's thus winter/fall.

Oh no....Nabal remembered my number! So I got another beer soaked call. He started calling 2 hours before I got home. He got a big check today and wanted to tell me I could come home and work no more. Everything he had every done, he's done for me. The person who perpetrated all the nastiness? That was someone else... (his words) If I would just be nice. We need to stay together to do big things. Love you with all my heart. I've never been with another woman. (he laughs) Hard as I try I can't find anyone else, but I really want to be with you.

Anyone else see anything wrong with that declaration, or it's it just me?

I want to keep you. You are my little baby. We can't throw away what we have.

Of Nabal and his crazy declarations... Why it's all about money. Nabal's mother it's one money hungry greedy woman. But she won't work for it. She instead convinced her boys they had to support her fully since she was in her forties... Ergo, he thinks every woman is controlled and/or swayed by the almighty dollar.

Let me think back...he voiced the D word years ago. Divorce. It used to strike terror in my heart because I was trying so damn hard. Once I agreed with him...suddenly he became champion of our marriage and I was the quitter. Plainly that game had outlived it's usefulness to Nabal... Took him a while to test that out- that was when he would mind numbingly vasilate between the hero and wanting a divorce. He just had to figure out which bothered me more. He has been looking for someone else. Well, I guess he's trying that out to see if it bothers me. Way too late.

Why he said someone else was that mean person talking? I may have said too much...I told him that when he has lots odd money...he goes out of his easy to be mean and nasty. And honestly, If he did it once it's only a matter of time till he's flush and does it again.

There. Now he had ammunition in figuring me out. With him, it all comes down to head games. He knows if I don't work-I'm definitely stuck, so stroke there first. He knows I was an abandoned child, so strike there second. He knows all these almost twenty years of making me nuts and emotionally confused wasn't wasted time. So go there last. It's the little- Not letting you go. That scares me. I'm his possession... Point of the whole conversation...or has fear written that in for me. He did ask if there was anyone else. Not a soul. He did hurriedly correct himself. Oh the history behind that loaded question. Years of me trying so dang hard only to be accused time and again. Just making up ridiculous crap. I would jump every time thinking I had done something to make him think that.

I stopped looking around when we went out. There was the chance he would think I had looked at someone with lustful eyes. (but of course when he did it out in the open, he was just taking his manly privilege) I look back and laugh, but I was trying to be so perfect and he would completely blow me out of the water. I'd just become more reclusive. I had a funny thought the other night and herein is the problem our issue. I don't really enjoy the company of other women. There have been a few really good close friends, but for the most part my friends have been males. Why? I prefer talking about guy stuff- carpentry, cars, sports, etc. I prefer the way men interact with friends. Want to drive me over the edge- talk all afternoon about girlie stuff. Yes I knit, I sew, I wear dresses and makeup sometimes, but I prefer guy talk mostly. Some other lose screw from my past probably, but there it is. This is a perfect reason for me to be married...to a guy. But Nabal is the type of guy that doesn't like talking to woman particularly, even about things he likes. He was brought up to only have male friends and women were for housework. Well and bedroom fun...any time he wants.

Hell I picked the wrong guy! And I knew it. People always say if you choose with your heart you will choose a foolish thing. Well, I'm here to say choosing with your head isn't doing me any favors either. Maybe even worse. Live it's a decision. I decided to overlook a lot for a long time, and so did he. But there has always been something missing, something I worked extra hard at that shouldn't have always needed to be work. Choosing solely with your head, I think, sucks just as bad or worse than with your heart.

Mother's Day...

Yes I'll be gone. No I don't want any visit. Today I got my first mother's day card from my husbands...in 20 years. Of course showy. Not signed. And a chocolate bar. Oh the lengths he goes to to be the shy little boy who is trying... I'm out of here, he'll be drunk before I'm half way there and pass out after I've turned in for an early morning. And he'll still wake before I do and go to work.