Monday

If I have to pick my clothes up...why do I need a wife?

Many comments like this have come to mind. I vaguely remember these comments and what I thought when I heard them. I was sad that he thought the only value of a wife...of me, was to save him doing 'women's work.'

I've been reading 'Trauma Release Exercises' and just reading the theory behind it has allowed me to ditch so much angst. Loving it!

When I got home tonight he just started in like we were all chummy chummy. "Good week? No hug hello? Come on upstairs and sleep...with me. No? Kiss goodnight pretty lady?!" To be honest I just stared at him in disbelief. Trying to reset reality. Its like sandpaper, like a lathe, like a plane set to deep; trying to ware me down. I think to turn back from here...would take some serious drugs, like permanently mind altering, amnesiac, Stepford inducing drugs.

Of course he won't give up easily, I've been making allowances, ignoring, and buying whatever crap he comes up with for more than 20 years! He figures that deep inside somewhere, part of me wants to go back to the old Strepford wifie me. I stopped drinking the KoolAid and I'm clean and recovering.

I long for a clean break, him going his way and I mine.

Snowy Wednesday

Snowed in with a drunk Nabal...

I have such a weird system, always have. I can feel a cold coming on for days and as soon as I have a day off, wam out hits me! Two days of feeling like crap, but this morning when I woke up I knew I felt much better. And just as suddenly tonight its time to crash.

Enter Nabal, that all evening has talked of nothing but alcoholic drinks...even with the kids! When I was feeling fine he asked of I wanted tequila. 'It would fix me right up!' I have never liked shots of tequila...ever. Mixed in, yes.

'Beer would fix me right up!' Yes there's a pattern here, sigh...

Nabal tells of some guy working for him. Specifically mentions that the man is 2 years his junior, but has a large gut. Didn't take long to wonder where that was going. Yet again he's drinking with the help. The man got so sick he had to be admitted to the hospital. Another man had to come tell Nabal that the man was sock and couldn't drink. Yes...folks have to get on Nabal, because he brow beats people about drinking. The man was so sick he didn't know his friends for days...

They drank again...the guy feel on his face later. Literally. Damaged it so much that Nabal thought he may have a broken jaw!

So back to the whole set up of thus man bring younger by 2 years. Is he proud that the alcohol doesn't cause him such obvious issues?

So I wipe out when I've been sick like a car running out of gas. Here comes Nabal...juiced. Talking all over himself. Made my head hurt and my gut twist. "Will you rib my back? It hurts." "No." Can I run your back? I have strong hands." "No."

"I went dancing this week. I was dancing. (does seated demonstration) I'm so sorry baby!" "For what? I don't care." "What do you mean you don't care? I'm your husband! You have to care!"

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" (we do remember I've been sick for 2 days and am at wipe out point now?)

"So you nit going to drink with me no more?" By this he doesn't mean have a drink. He means get plastered. Then I assume he'd want the kids getting plastered with him too. Drunks don't want to help anyone; they just want to pull everyone else down to their level so they can feel better about their own demons.

His issues may not be as obvious as some of his friends...believe me he has issues.

He ran off, presumably to do as spurns as he said- to go to sleep. He's still running around upstairs so I assume he ran of to drink more beer. He's not bothering me...and that's a good thing.