Wednesday

"Hey wake up, I want to talk."
"What time is it?"
"11."
"No its not. Its after 1."
"I don't care. I want to talk."

Life with a drunk. ALANON primary teaching: don't engage a drunk in conversation if you can help it. Walk away.

Nabal wants to buy a house. Why? So he can take his kids and raise them correctly... Seems I've ruined them. No, not the drinking, the harshness, the crazy making behavior...Nooo.

Just last week a family friend suggested that Nabal may be taking Pablito's medicine when they get drunk together. Umm, why? Does he imagine it will get them higher? My girl commented the other day that Nabal had always seemed as if he's had different personalities... I know when he's drunk its like he's someone else, and he could always flip on you on a dime. Just more to put in the crazy bag.

I have, for the last week, not had it in me to write. My boy was plead guilty to a crime he committed with some of his ner do well friends. It saddens me. Still he lies and says he didn't do it. I can see him as probably behind it in the first place... He says he no longer had a conscience. He's working not to... I'm sure he figured if it hurts to have one, without it the pain will go away. He cares too much.

I should have left years ago. I couldn't, or wouldn't see the damage living like this was causing. I thought it only effected me. I admit I was stupid, and still am as I'm still here. We are all still here because I couldn't get the hell out.

Thus is Nabal's fault, but my inability to notice and act quickly enough has made it so much worse.

I'm wondering where the games end and my inborn weaknesses begin... Tonight the stumbling drunk stumbled and feel over on me. Of course it was no accident when he started his groping. When I pushed him away he laughed and said, "It's all mine. I can touch what belongs to me."

Belongs... Belongs to me... I'm a possession. We are possessions. He, is who possess all.

He says he's going, yet reinforces his 'ownership' sporadically just so I don't forget. Just as he said about his pastor's wife- she'd lousy get mind, thought she could do asshe wanted to. He also 'told' me I wasn't 'allowed' to go back to work. I needed to stay here with him, we'd stay over again, and if stop going to church. Where did that come from? Just slipped it on there out of nowhere... Mind games.

I'm getting depressed- Nabal, my boy, my girl. I need a plan B for work. The new management is a set of catty bullying women who lie out of hand. They don't bother me, but I don't like their type. Some day they could decide I need to go then they'd target me. I'm a person who, point me in the right direction, tell me what you want, and I work.  Their type don't usually bother me. They stay out of my way. Also its coming into their slow season, which lasts around three months in the new year. Time to go. Plus I'm not at all sure they aren't trying to close the place down and start over again. The new boss is from a rather large city and seems the type to treat those under her a of they are expendable. Just timer to ferret out plan B. I need the same money or better.

I'm thinking I'll be glad to see this month go. It hasn't been pleasant. What still rings in my ears: You could save the goats, but not yourself or your children. Why? I'm not the brightest bulb, and I guess the goats were just dumb enough to listen to me...

Still taking my Facation. Is been kinda liberating. Seeing all those people communicating, and being a fly on the wall...just got kinda depressing. Its not even 'fly on the wall' territory because everyone only shows what they think looks best. Contrived lives. Oh hell, why not just call it that to state what it is up front, but I guess they already do. You see the face, the body of lives is shrouded in the unseen background. Eh, just the sour grapes of a confirmed introvert curmudgeon dealing with a little spot of depression. Maybe I'll feel better after my Facation. Of not permanent deletion is always an option. Change my number and known email addressee, and fade into the woodwork one last time.

Tuesday

I did it, Deactivated Facebook. A bad week all around and just feeling antisocial. Peoplereally know, I'll see or anyone I really know has my number. A few friends recently deactivated their accounts and I miss their banter most. Other folks don't post much anymore and the ones who do...all political posturing one way or the other. I'll really miss my alternative nutrition and trade pages. I'd be willing to put down money that not many, of any, will even notice I'm gone. I'm not a great avid poster so my absence is no great loss.

This week its so awful I don't even feel like writing about it right now.

Thursday

So, goats went to a great home at the school where my girl went.

Why, since I bought a spare car is everybody on me to hurry and fix my car because they need transportation? There are 4 cars in the back yard that have been sitting for 6 months to years. They were to be fixed. Now they are all trying to lean on me like I'm in their way...

Tuesday

I just realized that next year is year 5 of my 5 year plan of survival. I was relieved at first... I thought THIS was year 5. I have been thinking and evaluating. Best laid plans all unraveled. A few good turns I did not expect. I've decided to plan practically nothing, except work. I'm tired of saying I want to get out of this place, yet people commenting what I can do here next year and the next. Its not just Nabal, its others too! Maybe i resemble a kid trying to run away from home. Maybe I'm trying to save more than i have strength or resources to save. My kids seem rooted and aren't heeding me. Its just kinda depressing. Dealings with a petulant child...I'm 52! Like I'm just banging my head.

A 'friend' chided me earlier in the year- Wasn't I sorry I didn't finish college? I would have the resources I needed to move on. Thanks, didn't have enough to feel bad about already. Oh, and are you sure about that? No it was trusting the wrong person and for far to long. Funny how I thought I could trust a person financially but not emotionally... Funny how I let that person convince me I was mean spirited, uncaring and non-empathetic. So I poured myself into family and home. Was that so very bad? Money I had went to education, extracurricular activities for the kids, and when he needed just a couple of ten thousand- to tide him through rough spota... My house...my house. The only damn piece of advice my mom gave me worth heeding, and that's the one I decided not to. Don't put a mortgage on your house...damn! That's what has me worried. Losing the house... Foolish right? I've had one of those lives...I'd be alone with nothing of worth, nothing to leave my kids to fight over. Nothing. And truly nothing to show for it... Maybe I should have completed college, but I work better with my hands and grasp advanced ideas. I just don't learn like others...I have a glitch. No one ever notices, but I know. I know.

What I do know is that I do not want to live where I'm working. Pretty place...topigraphically just like where I live. I do love my mountains...but there are others I need to see. There are people I miss and want to be around, but don't know if that will ever be an option either.

All I've heard this week is that Nabal has been very drunk: driving drunk, mouthing off to the police- drunk, cursing everyone out drunk.

And every week he threatens to f*%*ing leave if he's not wanted... See what I've pushed him to... If I stop working, sleep with him, and be the loving wife...he'll stop drinking. (but I need to submit first...) He said tonight he won't stop drinking or smoking weed. He will not go to church and act upright...unless I give in first. (Now it's my fault I work and he doesn't see me. Realize I've only been working out of town a little over 3 months! This had been going on more than 5 years! Ahhhhh! The lunacy of it all, and the excuses he makes to absolve himself) Why does he always throw church in there? I have never tried to force morality on him (or anyone for that matter. He's the circle one.), nor church. Do it for God, our not at all. He also slid in that if he ceased drinking...he would be mean. (and no body wants that!) So true: Ours not their first love...it's their only love.

On the goat front...he asked whether I'd found a home for them. Well, yes my daughter and I did. Now he thinks he's changed his mind and will keep them. Contrary SOB!

As for driving while very drunk: They started drinking at 2pm on Sunday, at seven he realized he had to return his worker home which is about 15 miles away. "Sometimes things just have to be done!" Thank God he's never hurt anyone! Ducks line up fast!

I found this job and need to find better. Nothing near my home... I do a job that one needs to set down roots to build up. Just gotta find the place, but until then- build on my skills and work larger establishments.

I'm reading a John Grisham novel and I feel the man in prison. "How do you survive the years? You don't think about years, or months, or weeks. You think about today--how to get through it, how to survive it."

Well...well said...nothing more to add, nothing to subtract or qualify.

Thursday

Feeling a tad morose, maybe from the long drive, maybe Nabal's antics are getting to me.

Last night I came in from church and picking up my boy. He and I had a late dinner. I saw it as an opportunity, I have had quite a few outings with my girl. I wanted to have a few moments to see where his mind is. When we pulled up the goats were outside the fence and my boy went ballistic. He knew Nabal was drunk and had let them out. It took me a few minutes to put it all together.

Nabal ran out onto the porch, beer raised in hand, yelling unintellegably into the night. Just laughing... Hector pulled up in his truck and asked me what Nabal's problem was. I shrugged and Hector said, "He's sick, needs to see a doctor." Gee, tell me something I don't know!

Downstairs I went to the bathroom. He came down and tried the door knob then yelled, "Why the f*%k did you lock the door?" I told him because I was using the bathroom and I knew he would try to open the door if he thought I was in any way undressed. Then he bellowed, "Open it!" I quietly said no and braced myself for him to kick the door in, but he did not. I kinda knew he wouldn't, but always there its that nagging fear that one day he will cross that line.

Later he stumbled down again telling me if he had his little lady he wouldn't drink. Blah blah blah... He's going to build me an addition out back with a fence, then go buy a house for himself...but I can come live there if I want to. He wants me to come sleep in my bed and he won't touch. He will never touch me again. (seconds later he pretends to fall over so he can try to feel me up) I was doing laundry and when I got up to change stuff over (and get away from his groping hands) he finally fell asleep/passed out. This after my telling him he needed to go to sleep since most of what he was saying was completely undecernable as human speech. He said with such heavy things on his mind he couldn't sleep.

The night before he told me he hadn't taken a shower in 3 days. Than in a weirdly childlike way asked me if he should that night. I told him do what he thought best. He did not bathe. He also told me it was my fault he drank so much, I was so very hard on him. I begged to differ, I had never been hard or harsh with him. His reply: You're right, you never encouraged me to stop. You let me do whatever I wanted. Thinking back I was somewhere down the middle, saying when I noticed his drinking get out of hand he should get help, always knowing people had to want it for themselves. Ahh, but the fault never lies with them, no matter which side of the fence he had to jump to prove it.

We still have our homeless houseguest... I heard him tell her that men can do whatever they want and women have no right to call them on anything. Why? Good made man first. Ahh, the gospel according to Nabal strikes again. She had evidently told one of his friends to move when she was cheering the grass. The chivalrous Latin male, who can quickly tell you what women's work is somehow have no problem standing around in the way even, while women do yard work...

He just wears on me. How we all try to ignore how he makes us feel. Yet knowing it will still sneak up on us and get us...

He got the unsuspecting woman to take his drunk buddies home (then Nabal jumps in the car) and stop for sodas...which turned into more beer... Nabal comes out of the store and somewhere along the way he challenged some guy to a fight....! The guy was trying to collect $100 for people to bet he could beat up a Mexican... Nabal comes to the car and tells the 2 guys with him they can jump the guy... WTF?

Why do I feel morose? My mother once told me that if you are sick too long people will stop caring. Well, if your life is in turmoil for too long, and if you take too long getting out...the same thing applies. I learned to walk away at an early age. I learned that people you love leave you and the best thing to do its walk away, because once they are done with you, there is no persuading them to stay. I believed because no one told me different, that it wasn't them or their baggage...it was me. Something about me. Why would it not be me if I can see the pattern. People have their lives, and they move out of my range quick. I am an introvert, now days worse than ever. I think that when I do get holds of adult people that I know well, I overwhelm them. I don't do small talk well. My work requires that I talk to a lot of people about their specific problems. Once I'm done with my week I want to be quiet. That is unless there is someone I really want to talk with... Alas there really are few. This year I let a few dear to me people walk away. How could I stop them... So here we are back to me. Guessing I'm not very good company anymore. Maybe I never was. Usually just tolerated. It has always genuinely surprised me when someone sincerely likes me...

I also want to speak a word of caution. If you meet someone and you have to 'leave' all friends behind, our pick a few that are absolutely necessary... You have the wrong person. I don't care if its because they won't fit in with, or like your friends. (unless you have really fake sort of friends) Or if you have to become someone who your friends wouldn't recognize to fit in with your beloved. Wrong person! Trust me you're just settling and somewhere down the road you will regret it. Whether they are easy to unload or won't let you go. People have moved on...they have their own woes and don't want to hear about yours. But I have learned a lesson in life that no one should have to- people you love leave. Sometimes that lesson causes you to pull a plug prematurely because of how things are remembered. Don't try to dodge pain that may never come. You end up causing yourself and others way more pain. Drop the baggage at the door. Follow your heart, not your past.