Sunday

I'm tired. Tomorrow is my Friday! But tonight as I look at the Facebook feed, seeing all the wonderful things families do...I am sad. My kids were shortchanged. Always broke. The differences of where we thought money should be spent when there was some. Having no mutual friends to speak of. His were single men, or here minus their wives, thus living single. Any friends I brought around, he hated the male in any couple and found something wrong with the women. Aren't friends folks just like us...who have flaws, just like us...but you manage to overlook them because there's something you just like about them? I see now I was just walling myself off. Trying to make others happy. Well, is it hard to believe I sit here now sad and unhappy. Pity party!

Friends...I really do have a few.they are a long way away even when I'm home. I don't think of it often...my mother was not big on me having friends. She had friends, mine were criticized. I guess I just thought that was normal... Eeeegads! I went and married my mother! Nother pity party!

I see old friends...they have lives I don't fit into. I guess that's quite normal. I caught up with a man, who when we were young, was the love of my life. I have always regretted bowing to my mother's criticism and making a foolish choice. He became 'unmarried' along the way...hmmm...something to revisit maybe. Nope he has moved down love's lane and I still sit here spinning wheels. Such is life, my life. Too much fear, to much hesitation, way to much cowering under criticism.

My life, down through the years has seemed as if I live in a glass box- I see, but can get no closer than that quarter inch of glass will allow. A friend reminded me some years ago that we are broken...and that's that... Seeking better or more is futile.

Those memes about smiling while dying on the inside are just every day. It's so normal that at times we forget. Even more succinctly is that we, the smiling faces, have learned to ignore the sharp edges of the broken parts and pretend normal. If we don't we'd go insane with the pain of so awful much that no one else gives a hoot about. Move on. Suck it up. Just handle your business. Hell, if we could do that, don't you all imagine we would? Broken happened at such early ages...we just can't see fixed, we have no memory of it...

Party over. Back to my smile. Sleep usually helps broaden the smile.

Thursday

I look at New York politician Weiner... If his wife can't drag herself away... What gets me is when Nabal sees men behaving badly, his first response is to defend the guy. Probably had reasons: not enough sex is his usual thought. Sex? Oh how amorous being put down and degraded makes a girl feel.

Welcome Home...

Got home from working out of state. The grass did get cut, but so did my only flowers...my carnations. I do hope they grow back. What is it in Nabal that he has to destroy all my flowers...?

I'm trying to sleep an hour before I drive 7 hours to take my girl to look at a school. He comes down...drunk. Guess I really didn't need to say that...would be less time consuming to say when he isn't. He's bothered because he can't talk to the child about college because he's never been. Ok. Asks if it's not cheaper to keep her in state. Blah, blah, blah.

Then asks if instead of sleeping if I want to 'play' with him... Aside from everything else, how would that help me drive? Well then he says, "I'm going to get you back on my way. Not your way, but my way. You wait and see." Just drunk talk or 'trying' to plantanother seed of fear? That I'll never get away...

I'm trying...

Gosh...Nabal started cooking and passed out... Our boy came in and caught it and turned it off. Thank God, because I can't smell it down here.

Alcohol Talking

Nabal was pretty talkative tonight. He was excited because he'd just come in from the car auction. He amidst bought another car! Crimany! Did he or didn't he by the other car? He just started making money again, and it's burning a hole in his pocket!

So...he tried to tell me I didn't need to go to work ever again... Why oh why does he feel that would spiral to me. The kids are raised- back to work. I like work and to work. He told me work had picked up do I should just stay home. He was, around the edges trying to imply that he had thought it out and I was to stop because he'd decided I should. Ain't happening!

He went on to say he liked me home and sleeping with him. Yet another thing that hasn't happened in 2 years, and ain't about to!

He then tells me it's too cold to sleep here in the basement. It was 90 some degrees today...! I'm loving the temp here. Then he asks if I want him to install a heater down here... Did I mention it was in the 90's today?!?

The grass, yes the nutty ex-alcoholic guy down the street has it. His truck is broken down somewhere. That also is not my problem, he needs to get the lawnmower to me so I can cut my grass. I pretty much laid him out. Then he hit me up for a ride... No! I was putting in the bathroom faucet, and cleaning up the filthy room. Thankfully I have one down here!

Earlier in the day while I was trimming the hedges there was poison ivy. Years I wasn't allergic to it, could roll in it. Now, it gets me,bleck! Nabal says to me: I told you I would take care of it. Take care of what? I asked. In all these years he has never touched the shrubs. Once, years ago when we first got here he proclaimed that he was going to cut everything down to the ground. Lazy man's way. Cut them back do hard you only have to do it once a year. Nope, we are not commercial property...

So, he told me he was going to weed wack today. What he actually did (a recap): got drunk and almost spent $1500 on an auction car he doesn't need. Oh yeah, I can stop working... Money makes him lose his mind. When he's broke- he's depressed. When he has money he takes the other manic swing.

In talking about the recovered alcoholic Nabal mentioned Pablito. The powers that be are trying to entice him to enter into a recovery program. Nabal claims he wants no part of it. Probably truthful, after all he is an addict, but Nabal is stirring that put too. He'd be out a drinking buddy and then he'd have less of an excuse to remain an alcoholic. He's like a Venus fly trap.when he smells a possible alcoholic buddy he fights to draw that side of them out.

The kids told me he had his old friend Hector drinking. This is the guy who's liver was compromised due to an antibiotic allergy... He has no limit. Selfishly wanting everyone down where he is and when there are alcohol repercussions, he denys alcohol's part or blames doctors. Teflon!

Dysfunction In The Alcahome

Got home and say in the car taking in my front yard: Grass out of control. Shrubs out of control. Weeds way out of control! Yes, an alcoholic lives here...

But he did have time to buy another junk car this week! For the kids to drive you know. A real teen car- a 1996 Park Avenue... Thank you for purchasing a gas guzzling hooptie! He's do status conscious... He originally wanted a Jaguar for them...

So last night I asked Nabal if we had any gas. He asked my why I wanted to know. Like if a kid were asking a personal question. "To cut the grass." I answered. He got strangely quiet... I should have known...

Got up early this morning before the heat and searched all over for the lawnmower. Nada. Called Nabal and he gave me a convoluted conversation about the guy down the street. The kids said they heard it was broken and Nabal was ranting about it one night when he was drunk.  He ended by saying he would weed wack the grass once he got home. Weed wack just short of a half acre?!? So I pulled out my hedge trimmers that I hide. (The only way I keep it serviceable) Got the front done, doing with sweat. One could hardly get out the back door the bushes were so wild.

We had a flea problem. Evidently I'm the only one who can buy the good stuff. It got out of hand as 'cheaper' stuff was explored. At this point it would have been cheaper to buy the best stuff, what with the money spent exploring. I had stuff to kill fleas from lady year's similar debacle, but how would an alcoholic remember that far back? Do he bought that too. It it's still down. Oh, unless it's a shop vac...it's women's work! Yeah...I'll get that stuff up...before we breath it all in!

How drunks cost their families: They break stuff through drunken carelessness. They cook massive amounts of food while drunk, which no one wants to eat, do it's all thrown away. They buy junk. If there's not money to pay bills, somehow they 'find' money for their hooch. They destroy good stuff because it gets left outside when they pass out. Nothing ever gets fixed until it's doing damage. Or fix something so half assed that it may as well be broken. When one can only use a lawnmower of one has knowledge of mechanical workings then one can't expect mere teens to be able to help! Also if said machine is only steps away from being a death trap unless you have a lifetime of working with heavy machinery behind you- it is useless to a family!

There you have it. How the mental deterioration of alcoholism costs a family. I'm setting a new bathroom faucet today, it's been leaking almost a year. I think it's time. Nabal couldn't find washers. Heck it's been there 15+ years. I think we're allowed a new one!

I'm so tired. Some days I look around and just get more tired.

Thursday

I detest a drunk explaining himself. Every detail is blurred or changed. Given enough time, every one of their improprieties is not their own, but caused by you. They...were just unfortunate victims of you first, then any bad choices they made...because of you. Yes, it will always come back to you...given enough time.

My red headed brother-in-law lost his youngest child to cancer this week. I am so messed up that I was almost happy for the child... They overlook the needs of these girl children so much. I felt guilty. That is until Nabal told me last night that same brother had beat his 17 year old daughter up, oh and disrespected his mother. Oh my gosh! Beat up his daughter?!? There is no reason to do that, but I asked why expecting grief as the excuse. Nope... It was because he's broke. What the heck is his problem was all I could ask. Then I got a lecture about how having no money makes you feel. Still not a reason to beat up your 17 year old daughter! There really is no reason.

This is the same girl child who has a severe learning disability and it was too much trouble to get her any help. When they had her in a good school he and his girlfriends found it taxing to take her across town after a while. She could walk to their neighborhood school and not put anyone out. (reminds me of Nabal's complaints about me taking our daughter to the school that helped her so) When offered, help was turned away because no one was concerned about his son. His son's only problem is bad behavior... Which is acceptable in Mexican boys. Yeah everyone complains, but no one addresses the behavior. Back to the whole boys beating up or slapping girls and their cries being ignored. Go in peace Juanita, you have escaped a life of subtle and outright abuse.

A Tuesday in July

Job started, doing well and making money! All Nabal seems to have figured out is how to drink more... I'd forgotten how hard it is to catch up with money. My 4x4 broke down and I had to buy something reliable and cheap do I could keep working. But I did keep working!! And that's what counts!

Nabal has managed to further distance himself from our girl, but that turned out to be a good thing. She's pretty set on going to school now and that I'm happy with! Some place down south- nice and warm, and with a wonderful set up to support students with learning disabilities! There are a few around but I think this one may fit her personality like a glove. I'm thrilled!

Heard the other day that Noel brought his mother info the country so he can sure for full custody of the kids. I don't understand these latino guys...they can't take care of children. They need a woman, have to have a woman. My own mother-in-law raised her brother's kids when his wife died. A nice thing, but he went completely away and drank himself to death. Her son would drop his kids off ask the time between girlfriends... Just don't get these guys and don't think American courts will really care.