Monday

Not sure what Nabal is trying to accomplish with him constantly insisting I have agreed to something I have not. At first it did make me stop and think, now I see it coming and it just tees me off.

Saturday night our boy came in from an evening with friends only to find that drunk Nabal had let his chicks (yes, real chickens) loose in his room. It was cold that night and they are still small and transitioning. Then Nabal comes in and puts them back into the cage and tells the boy to clean up the poop off the floor. What an absolute jerk. He was looking for a fight, and I'm gad the boy didn't bite.

My biggest project this week is to find some help for the boy. He has spent enough time with his father that he fears he will become like him. Not the drinking, but the way he is with women. Going to see what Lundy Bancroft has for the young men. Praying that realizing there is a problem is what may save him from becoming what he fears most.

I have to clean up today. Nabal did finally clean his beer bottles out of the living room. I'll catch it while I don't have to lift and dust under said bottles.

Worked a lot last week. This week I'm going to make more opportunities to work again!

I've realized I have to climb out of this one step at a time, and one day I'll look up and back and realize I'm free of all this debt, and of Nabal. I need to find a mentor and/or business partner. I have so much going on I feel so ADD. Everything is an emergency, but I guess it's been like that for years. Nabal is resentful when he's not the center of attention. He gets very annoyed when he needs something and who he needs to do it for him is not available. He really wants everyone to sit, like the old typing pools. Marking time till they are urgently needed, then it's drop everything and attend to the emergency. I don't even bother to tell Nabal when I work. The more he knows the more road blocks he can figure to throw in your way. He isn't even on my 'need to know basis' list, he's on the, 'He'll figure it out for himself' list.

I just wonder how I'm getting out from under all this debt. I know when he's gone he's gone. Fine with me, what I want, but scary none the less.

Saturday

Looks like I may only be able to write on the weekends... Nabal is being very stealth. He asks me questions, I say no or don't answer then later he tries to tell me that I said yes or promised to do whatever he asked. Usually it's about me going upstairs to sleep with him. I'm making progress, it almost doesn't confuse me now. I still have to stop and think whether I had given any inkling of chance or ambiguous answer. I don't. I'm going out with an out of town friend to lunch. He tried to play 20 questions with me about what time I was coming back, then when I asked why he needed to know and did he need something, his answer was that he wanted us to go out to dinner... right.  Then when I pulled my knee back that he tried to kiss he asks, "Why are you mad?" Gee... let me think, trying to question me like I'm a kid, constantly trying to kiss me somewhere when you obviously know it's unwanted, when I told you we all need to move on. I'm not going back for another round with Nabal. I shouldn't have when the kids were little, but I know now that everyone isn't nice deep down and it just needs to be uncovered. I am also finding that as work picks up for me he is putting forth more effort. Too little, too late!

And stop trying to tell me how or what I am feeling!

Forgot, the living room is strewn with beer bottles of all sizes. Joy! I'm about to go through and empty this house. Then work on getting the hell out of here.

Tuesday

I've enabled the new interface, but I think it will mean the end of my phone blogging... I don't often get to my computer. Nabal has been looking at a lot of animals mating... At least he gave up trying to fing animals and humans. Yup, not going to be hoodwinked into thinking he's changed...

Monday

Nabal was questioning me about something in the bible today. Later he asks me about the Episcopal church then the Presbyterian church. I was starting to wonder where all that was going. Then he says he ran into a man who left their church a while ago. The man told him that he was working for the Presbyterian church. Also that Church of God was looking to make their church independent again... The whole thing finally came clear when he tells me there is a set of 3 home study courses he can take and become a pastor. Not this again! The man he ran into? His son married the sister of one of Nabal's drinking buddies. The one who's wife finally wanted to believe until the man and Nabal partied so much they stopped coming. These people don't talk... He's angeling to get his own church again, don't want any parts of that. I feel so lonely right now. I feel like I'm walking through quicksand. Can hardly move to get ahead, but if I stand still I'll sink. No family close enough to ask for help or to be an ear. Friends? Really I know many acquaintances, a 2 friends afar who have problems of their own with husbands, finances and family. Old friends have moved on, I don't intrude on their lives. All this is taking way too long and I'm tired of it. I'm lucky to have such a good pastor and his wife. They pray, they are accepting. I guess the good thing about not having friends is that I talk to God more. I guess at my age friends are overated anyway. I long to be away from Nabal and be alone. In my life I have learned that I can trust alone. I've had good friends in life, but they are all gone. Nabal wasn't one to take around people I love as friends. He always picks people apart so why try. I drifted away, and time and distance has made rekindeling friendships impossible. Pity party full on tonight. Just feeling isolated and like there will never be a way out of here alive. Like I'm stuck for life, sentenced.

Sunday

Nabal, so freaky... always following me around begging for a hug or kiss and when I go the other direction he laughs and smacks me on the behind. Hate is to small a word. Today he asks if I'm going to church with him. I didn't even look up, said no. He asked me why. Why the hell do I have to explain myself at my age? I spoke the simple truth, "I don't want to." Then he asked, "What if I make you?" WTF? All I could do was laugh. He was not pleased. Good! Nabal's proclaimation of the day: It doesn't matter what you want. I'm never leaving you. Well, should I just give up now? No! It is what that kind of talk is for isn't it? Make any hope of escape seem impossible? Make any attempts to resist seem futile? May as well drink the kool aid because there is no way off the island? I have hope. A fine thread some days, but even a sliver with faith is preferable to sinking back into the fog of Nabal's world according to him. Funny, Nabal keeps repeating this line and he has a look. That look you give a child when they are throwing a temper tantrum. 'No matter how long you hold your breath it's not going to work.' knowing all along that they'll pass out and involuntarilly breath anyway... He's betting he can hold on longer than I can, and that I can't be successful enough to get away. I lived on my own when we met, so it's doable. He on the other hand had a boatload of roomates. I guess he's up to the same game he's been up to for 20 years, it's just that I can see it now for what it is.

Saturday

Finally! The new blogger interface isn't working with my phone.... Last night I just wanted to say that some days hate doesn't begin to describe what I feel. Nabal drunk again last night. So drunk he jut smells like alcohol. Good thing, work is picking up!!

Wednesday

Drinking, drinking, drunk. Just tired of seeing a drunk in the house.

Sunday

Yesterday I prayed for the protege, that God would send him some good Christian people to reveal the sincere gospel to him and help him with his drinking. To also bring better friends into his life, non-drinkers. I left town to go to a reunion planning meeting in the city and by the time I got home the kids told me the Protege was being deported. Answer to prayer? Maybe... The police caught him very drunk in public. When he lived across the street he was picked up twice for DUI. Maybe he can get his family back together. Most of all be released from his demons. Nabal the Benevolent? Hasn't said a word. I asked our boy what was Nabal's reaction. He said he didn't think Nabal cared at all. Maybe happy because he started to lose control of his creation and let's face it he is an embarrassment when Nabal is pretending he doesn't drink and he's church elder perfectus. Nabal keeps following me around begging me for a kiss so he can feel better. Yeah, no. Not biting.

Thursday

The Protege finally dried out! He told me today he wasn't going to drink again. I encouraged him, then went on to say that as hard as he drank days on end he was going to kill himself. He was kinda shocked I said it. He told our boy yesterday morning somewhere along the way the day before he had smoked crack. That explains the very strange behavior of Tuesday. I am really praying for him: to be discovered by some good Christian folks who can help him, and not use him. That he can quit and get his life back together. Nabal has been amazingly quiet and sober.

Tuesday: So Odd...

Couldn't have slung together a stranger day. The protege was on day 3 of a drunk. Nabal just sneers at him. His sin in physical form in his face. Nabal is trying to distance himself, blaming all the things left outside on the protege.

The Protege

I don't know why I didn't see this long ago. Maybe it's because it's been moved into the house. The Protege is a serious alcoholic. This is the second monday he has not made it to work because of drinking the night before. This time he stayed around the house, and so did Nabal. The Protege could barely walk by noon. Ok, this is what I missed: Nabal was chastising the protege for excessive drinking last week, but drank to late night drunkenness with him yesterday after church. The mixed signals must be killing him... Nabal he looks up to. Nabal always is so proud of him being mistaken for his son. It's like being able to look at how he plays mind games, but as a spectator. Very interesting perspective. The Protege needs intervention, he's killing himself and Nabal is really pushing him by shaming him then leading him into drunkenness.

Monday

Our boy put the protege to sleep last night He slept about 15 minutes then popped back up and went back to the party. Nabal and the protege passed out outdoors I guess. At 8:30 this morning the party music on the back is still going. Nabal has been in an odd mood all day. He's going to work for a company. Being nice because he's got a pee test coming? Count me out buddy! He's been acting like he did something that deserves a reward. Very insistent tonight that I sleep with him tonight. I can't even be subtle anymore. The worst behavior was him talking about the Protege drinking and not going to work. Hell he napped until 1... At about 2 or 3 the Protege started stumbling his way from the patio to bring in all the food and dishes Nabal left outside the night before. There was about 5lbs of uncooked beef sitting out in 72 degree sun. I was making the cake for the boy's birthday. Nabal was sitting watching dirty pics of animals on the computer. (checked history) He never once lifted a finger to bring a thing in the house. I had to venture out early this morning to bring the cayenne and brand new salt in so I could make breakfast. I remembered when we cooked out as a family. The exact same thing would happen... Nabal barely helped, more often would promise to bring whatever was left in when he came in, only to have to go get it the next day. The raw meat: he cooked it all in the oven. Asked could he freeze it raw. NO, it sat out all day! In the sun! 72 degrees! I think I may have heard him talking about a lawyer. I really think he's just waiting to be on his feet, find some girlies and ditch us. Fine by me. Heard him singing in spanish a song about leaving and not to flattering than heard him remember I do speak spanish. Didn't bat an eyelash. Unreadability is my goal. What he doesn't know he can't use against me.

Easter

When someone earnestly tells you they do not want a big party and you push the issue; is said party for you or the honoree? Our boy came in laughing. Nabal and his friends have been drinking since 3, it's almost 6. The huge grill he was to make to cook on has been reduced to wire mesh over a wheelbarrow filled with charcoal. I had a lovely grill that we used for years. He loaned it to friends who broke one of the cast iron grates. The next summer he and his friends took over the back yard and we could no longer have family cook outs. That fall I went to find dishes and silverware that he took outdoors and left only to find that the grill had been all but destroyed, bolts missing, guages smashed, the bottom no longer attached. Drunks don't want you to have anything. They just don't care. Why the drunks house is always the worse one on the block... They will find some way to blame you. I recently found out that at that time he did send our girl in the house because of his drunk buddies. That may sound cautionary, but why does a girl child have to be captive in a house on a warm summer evening because her father has invited men he doesn't trust to become so drunk that they cant be trusted? Selfishness! This wasnt just one evening, but every night for the entire summer. Crazy huh? And if a woman ventures outside... she must be wanting male attention (like loose women do) from some guy there. Women, always suspect. Drunk for his son's birthday. How Nabal. So Nabal did what I thought he would... he invited his friends! Then Nabal got out the shot gun and started shooting... We live in the city, you can't shoot off guns. Our by hid the shotgun while Nabal searched for more ammo. Nabal fixed a plate of food with his bare hands after urinating and without washing. Our boy said something, but Nabal thought it was funny. Nabal poured beer on all the cooked foor and put beer in the pineapple punch. He was so proud of being an international greeter just this morning... If they only knew.

Saturday

Talking to our boy I just found out that Nabal and the protege were drunk when they got home from 'church' as he saw them when they pulled up. The livingroom is scattered with beer bottles. Work is picking up, thank God! Nabal spent all day at his church picnic. Yay, I went through clothes, kindahate this time of year. One day hot, next cold. Nabal is trying to gain brownie points by throwing our boy a huge birthday bash. Our boy told him he doesn't want any party, Nabal's not listening. All these years Nabal never had time to spend at anything for the child's birthday and now he's trying to push a party down everyones throat. Well, he's trying to have the party tomorrrow and hasn't bought the first thing. This will probably go the same way our girl's quincenera went. He found the excuse telling her she wasn't Mexican enough... Great guy...NOT! He never had time for the kids when they were young. I once did a huge party in the back yard for our girl. I can't remember where he was. Not helping. I don't remember if he was even home. Probably working, which wouldn't have bothered me at the time. He is a hard worker and that I'll never begrudge him that. Easter tomorrow. He asked about party planning. I told him I'd help after church. He already told his folks he wontbe coming in tomorrow. Lets see how long they stay sober...

Friday

Came in from work and ever since Nabal keeps following me and begging for a kiss. Not begging pathetic, but insistant to wear down. When I say no he tries to touch, and not on the arm. Also he's trying to annoy. I was cutting my nails and plucking my eyebrows with tweezers. First thing, he asks me am I going out. Like that would be the only reason I can do maintinance. Second he waits until I'm tweezing hairs and comes behind me to tickle me. Same crap he's done for years. If I'm doing something requiring precision he is that immature person that's always got to 'goose' someone and when they mess up or drop something they laugh. Family of immature men. Makes me think of his grown brother flicking our sleeping cats hard on the nose to laugh at their startle and pain.

Thursday

Sober, I think, but asking if I have any Nyquil... The protege was toasted. Today Nabal is trying to act like normal, trying to push his agenda. Mr. Hands. All I do is dodge and keep moving. I hope and pray this summer will be prosperous for me. It's got to come to an end. He's getting more insistent with the ' want a kiss' crap. Now I just straightly say no. There's no way he gets mixed messages. I know for fact, deep down that if he found someone else he'd be gone in a breath. He just stays here because no one else will have him. Today he discovered Craigslist. A friend told him they had jobs. It's only a matter of time bbefore he finds the personals...

Wednesday

Drunk and surely. Not a good night at all. He now claims innocence of having done anything at all. Evidently I just decided to act like this one day out of the blue. I knew he was a drunk when I married him so I have to live with it. He wasn't an angel when we met. I made the mistake of thinking people grow out of it. I was nieve and wrong. Funny, the drinking isn't even the problem... He asked how I would pay bills if he left because he could leave. Told him I'd rent the house. Then he asked how the children would get cars, school, etc. I said same way we got our first cars. He replied that he bought his first car. I said, "Exactly." He asked if the children had the same view of his behavior that I did. I smelled a trap so I told him he'd have to ask them himself. After each subset of questions he tried to 'tell me' that I was sleeping with him tonight. One thing I did pull away from this is that I was right. When he leaves he doesn't plan on having anything to do with the kids as far as money support. He asked why I hide the phone when he comes in the room. Was I texting someone I shouldn't? To be honest: I'm a lot of the time writing here. I'm looking on FaceBook, or I'm texting a woman I went to school with. The biggest reason is that I don't like him knowing anything that I do. I don't want him figuring out what I like or dislike. He uses anything against me, anything. I can be texting the kids and hide the phone. I'm also nervous now. Anything when it comes to him. I even turn music off when he's around. Music is a window to the soul and I don't like him leering. He was back to accusing me of bringing on anything, not admiting anything, but whatever happened I brought it on myself. This after looking at gay porn and animal porn for an hour. He called me nasty because I was getting his tax stuff together instead of looking at him. I told him he did it to people all the time. He said, "Yeah, but not to you." Yeah he has. Didn't want to deal with his drunken wheedeling. Trying to make me feel so bad I'd sleep with him. I didn't, he finally wandered off and passed out. Yay!

Tuesday

Church, so I have yet to see if drinking will be done tonight. Noticed the beer bottel collection in the living room disappeared. They are all outside in a wheelbarrow out front... What was left behind were dirty dishes all over the room. I'm assuming that is considered women's work. I relented because I needed to wash them. Love how if someone came in and saw the bottles they would shake their heads at them. Seeing all the dishes and glasses? I would be a bad housekeer. He's trying to be friendly lately. Just not interested.

Monday

Wow, first year ever he has cut the grass. Drinking since he got home, now skunk drunk, but is taking a shower. Don't know why he doesn't use the upstairs shower. Seems the protege didn't go to work today, but he did get up early and start drinking. Olny reason I found this out is because he went over o Danilo's house and ate all his food. I told the man he was at work. Assuming... Maybe they should lock doors so he can't get in. They have no respect for anyone when they drink. Want to set it straight that Danilo doesn't drink, bad liver.

Sunday

What is up with the gay sex YouTube...? Nabal just left a bit ago for his church where he will pray for and over the congregation such as it is, and he was looking at about 5 sex videos just before he left and as he ate. He had turned the volume on the computer down. I see this morning he was on FaceBook from 7a.m. on looking at Isela's pictures. Then as he leaves he stands there asking for a kiss goodbye... "Love you little lady." Oh yeah...nothing special he wrote that 'little lady' stuff on some woman's FB. I'm so honored...NOT!

Found out from our boy that Nabal told the protege this morning that he could no longer drink in the house. 1) Nabal gets very self-righteous when he isn't drinking. 2) The protege was already drunk. (usually does that to dodge being dragged to church) 3) Nabal has only been sober since Thursday I believe. I also found out that Nabal was trying to tell our boy that he should try to date Isela's daughter. Ok...

A great opportunity for our boy was dropped in my lap yesterday! I'm praying he will pursue the opportunity. He thankfully is evolving as time goes on. Last year he was adamant about going into the armed forces, put all his energy there. Circumstances change and now he is in the position of rethinking everything and realizing that his insistence on putting everything in one basket was blind alley thinking. Not a bad lesson to get at 17.

Our girl is at her first day on her first job! She's so excited! Many thanks to her brother and his girlfriend :) That's family!!!