Tuesday!

So! How can you tell when you have absolutely nothing vested in a relationship? When you find out your husband has a match.com account and the only emotion is laughing at how easily he got caught...! As I've said before he has put me up to being responsible for him for years. He does not know his own email password. He gets his Zookes mail there. He swears that he accidentally clicked that. That's what he told our boy. I was checking to see if he had any mail from any businesses, at his request, and there it was. His welcome with his password and everything, several matches sent to him. Does he want to get caught? Maybe... They are all saved now, and will be forwarded later. I'll have to read his profile. Love that he used his mom's baby name for him as his screen name and an old passcode I used years ago for our phone. I wonder if he used it through Facebook. I see he used the password I gave him for Facebook minus 1 letter! Why would he use his email? Stupid drunk. As I let it sink in what he is doing I realized there was no shred of emotion. None. I really don't care anymore. I could even face him without any feeling of rage, jealousy or betrayal. I was wondering how I could find out if he did something like that. Thank you Lord!

Monday

A few weeks ago Nabal had a burning question while he was studying the bible to 'teach' a class. He comes wherever I was and asks, "Do you think they smoked weed back in those days?" Really?! I found some of the neighbor's mail from the bank, an overdraft statement. How do I know that? It was open... Why?! Why does he act like he's so obtuse? He is drunk, of course, he comes down with the computer to show me some house 'we' should buy. I told him buy it if you want it. He says I have to move there with him. We have to buy it. I told him he could buy what he liked. We can't even pay bills right now. He tried to pet me on my head, "Little baby, you move with me right?" Did we not discuss divorce last week? He is ignoring me with purpose. Told him I'm tired of this area, this state. He is trying to bend truth and reality. He's driving me insane! This is the first time we've spoken in 3 to 4 days. It's another mindf%*k! God help me!

Sunday

Funny what you find out when you talk to your kids. Seems Nabal has been telling our boy, when he's drunk, that he needs to 'control' his sister's life. He used the word control, said it several times. Our boy said it was her life and he cared, but wasn't going to tell her what to do or anything like that. Nabal told him that he was a cold unfeeling brother who didn't care... What an insane mentality. Hopefully our boy really sees it as crazy logic. I try to talk him thru it and I think he will not carry it on, but let it stay with Nabal. Lundy Bancroft is right, its their core belief. I took a look at the living room this morning after I came home from church. I hardly ever set foot in there, I collect the dirty dishes from there every day. Empty pop bottles, food wrappers and empty containers, sugar cane remains. The floor... whatever gets spilled stays there and dries. Our girl told me she was going to pick it up later today. I got the same thing from Nabal last week when I was cleaning the bathroom. If I leave all these things I'll just have to do them in a couple of weeks when I give up waiting on them to help out. Nabal, when he got his shop vac that graces the living room... said he'd vacuum the basement stairs. I waited months and got tired of the animal hair. He comes down the stairs when he got home and actually made a snarky comment. I didn't feel bad in the least! Not falling for that crap again! Last week he actually patted me on the head and complimented me on dinner. Told him yes I do cook well and was glad he enjoyed it like I did. I'm so over needing to try to make him happy so we can live in peace. Now I expect him to treat all of us to like people no matter what. It's not all about him any more. He burned his bridge at the beginning of this blog. He continues to lie, he's a bad liar, and the Lord I guess outs him. I usually already know the truth before he opens his mouth to form the lie. He doesn't have a clue that I already know. Sometimes I get so sick of it I bust him. He just smiles like a kid who got caught stealing a cookie, not like a man caut doing something to get closer to some woman.

Saturday

I've been reading 'Should I Stay or Should I Go?' by Lundy Bancroft. Reading about letting yourself grow. I have actually accomplished all of the goals in there. Makes me feel better that the years since Nabal went off the deep end I've worked through methodical steps and not just been wandering. I'm logical all on my own! Doesn't matter what Nabal says to the contrary, because he's coming from a place of self. Thought today of when I was almost finished school. Nabal came to torment me one night. Never saying school was futile, but never feeling supported in the least. He started quizzing me about financing schooling. He wasn't really sure where the money came from and I think he thought he financed it. In fact I'm sure because one day he tried to claim that as his contribution. He was shocked to hear different. I was so happy he couldn't claim a dime in it! But what he did say was very veiled. "What if you can't finish your school? What if you didn't have the money?" He kept asking that like he was going to do something. Maybe leave so any money I had would have to become devoted to immediet living, and drop school when I only had 3 months to finish. The next day I went to the bank and cashed out an IRA to cover the rest and paid everything off. I did this so the money I could get at would still be there. After that I felt liberated and could go on without worry. Gosh! Then him just being a pain when I was studying for my certification test. He kept calling it my 'little test' raising an eyebrow and implying it was suspicious that I had spent all that time studying for school and still needed to study for this. Didn't I know this stuff? Wow, call me slow will ya... Most people don't even get the nerve to actually take it! I didn't even tell him when I was going to take it till that day. So he couldn't plant seeds of doubt. I rarely tell him anything until I'm headed out the door. Sometimes not even then.

Friday

Nabal has been too sick to get out of bed. He did snake the house today as the upstairs tub was backing up into the basement. What I am worried about is our girl. She has chosen a boyfriend in many ways like her father, like the wistful stories he told the children of his troubled youth. And she is covering for him just like I did, figuring it was a good man needing a break to get himself together. To her friend a state over she'll go for the summer! I hope. Even her brother likes the guy but wants to see them not a couple. She's trying to 'save' him... I've talked to the boy, he doesn't want to change. More bad that comes of staying too long.

Thursday

A thing dawned on me last night. Nabal kept saying to make money. Don't you want money? Stay together = money. How many times did he accuse me of not loving him and only seeing him as a pay check. And I... tried to prove to him even more it had nothing to do with money. In reality I am not hung on money. Don't have anything against it. I like having enough. It's only now, with Nabal that it's a problem. He runs through money! Last night at 11:30 he was trying to beg $5 off me so he could buy more beer. I did lie. When it's gone it's gone, and the big trash can in the kitchen was half full with bottles, there were dead 6 packs in the kitchen. He once accused me of spending too much money on clothes. I asked him when the last time I had purchased clothes. He says looking all over his brain than said, "Oh, you don't..." I said yeah, I've worn the same clothes for 10 years and most had come from the second hand store. He scratched his head, walked away and wondered aloud where the money had gone... The kids say they found him with weed through the years. There's one place. Nabal very proudly said the other day that people think the protege is his son. Gee, he treats him more so than his son. Calls him mijo, short for mi hijo. (my son) He is the consumate jefe! He's sick today. locked in his room with the computer cruising Facebook. He loves Mary's page, pretty girls pages, and singles. I do need to get my head wrapped around my finances. I poured all my resources into helping his company grow. It scares me to do well, then I have to deal with freedom and the becoming free. Where did I begin all this? Money... proves he really doesn't know me. He is imposing some other woman's view of money onto me. Sad to say probably his mom's.

Wednesday Night

Wednesday night service and we all know what that means... Nabal is skunk drunk! I got the expanded lecture tonight. I won't make it without him. I won't make any money without him. We need to/ have to, stay together to accumulate things for the kids. We can move to a farm. We have to stay together. Told him I won't talk to him when he's drunk. He tells me a story, evidently he was made when his mom and dad were drinking. So if he's not drunk, he's not himself... Can't make this crap up! He can, but not me. I'm working on me as fast as I can. Some days I seem to float. Nabal said a very strange thing tonight, "Stay with me, I won't abuse you." So, where did that come from? He's sick with whatever virus has been running around the house. Last week I was fighting it, he laughed in derision and disbelief. Today he announced he was sick. I waited for him to tell me how it had affected him. He jumps right to, "You don't care do you?" Probably beyond mild curiosity he's right. Thinking back on last week, on years ago when he got mad and accused me of faking sick all the time. When questioned he backed down and admitted I hadn't been sick for more than a year. The time he was mad about something and I lost my footing and went half way down the basement steps. He said something mean and walked away and out the house. And I don't care? Really, screw you! He can see the back of me already. Always with the, "You don't want me no more?" Gosh, if I didn't write all this down I'd fall back to sleep. Like that field of sleep lilies in the Wizard of Oz. Lilies right? I'm close...

Poppy field! What the heck was I thinking!

Wednesday

Last night I went to a nutritional marketing meeting. I got out with people! I talked, I met people I liked, I was almost me again. Was reading Lundy Bancroft's new book 'Should I Stay or Should I Go?' and reading things to do no matter what you decide. Advice is: think back to the time before, when you were strong. In daily situations ask yourself, "What would you do?" Becoming so conditioned to temper our responses so as not to upset another, we need to find our center again. We all have to in a relationship compromise, but when we have drastically changed because of egg shell walking or fear of reprizal... Not good. What would Abigail do?! Last night when I got home Nabal was following me and being very concillitory. Was talking to a friend and he decended. The usual trying to kiss me on the mouth while I'm talking on the phone, but this time he took it a step further and tried to kiss my breast. I blocked him and he giggled and went back upstairs. I know his game. Encroaching on my space to push forward his agenda- I'm his wife and property. Property doesn't have private space, use it as you please and if you move on or forget about it for a season, it's still there when you think of it again. I'm Abigail, not property! I went upstairs later he was on my computer and blocking my line of site. Yeah, I looked at the history- all Mary Sims. I'm sure he'll be leaving for her. I can only hope! I could see he was 'grooming' her last time. Texting her hourly when she was out of town, quizzing her about where she was, who with, and what she was doing. Weirdness is she answered, without sarcasm... I guess the next time he wants someone a little more 'pliable.' I wouldn't wish him on anyone, but if you believe his sob story and know he's married, you get what you get. Notice he is looking for his next place to land before he leaps. I think he thought he had her wrapped last time. This time he is 'more' sober. Maybe it'll work for him this time. I fear because he will have her as a pitbull against me and she may be property hungry.

A Thought

I have been looking into how to overcome what stops me from forging ahead to get myself financially set. I have been looking into CPTSD. It's facinating. They call it brain injury. I'm sure with my life it's been ongoing since I was a child. I really thought I had healed some and put much of that behind me, but this has joined it all together. Maybe for my good. I can see so much that I do. I stutter at times now. In the middle of conversations I lose the word I was going to use, and I can't think of any other word to fit either. It's embarrassing and the look of pain on the listner's face... It's for me. I haven't found anything yet. Everything says that the first step is to remove the abuser. Well, but the problem is I have to get better to shake the abuser... Maybe I don't. Maybe I just can't see straight yet. I find it hard to talk it out with anyone. When I think of calling the abuse hotline I stop. I called once but felt I was probably holding them from helping someone who was in real danger. They are right, without any physical abuse it can all be refuted. Emotional abuse can even make us question if anything did happen or is it something convenient my mind has cooked up. The sublty of all the workings is why I write. When I forget I have it here. This is my justification. I remember when Nabal was at his peak drinking phase and I was reading books on being related to an alcoholic. He saw one once and very accusatorially pointed to one of the books and said, "Oh, so now you think you're abused now?" The question shocked me. The thought never crossed my mind. I did feel fear though. I lied and said no and that his drinking was affecting the kids and I wanted to help them not for me. He calmed and walked away. Funny I remember it so vividly. I would be another few years on Sober Recovery's board for relatives of alcoholics and a woman posted exerps from 'Why Does He Do That' and that's when it kicked in. My thoughts today have been that I for years have tried to never do Nabal any harm as a wife should. Gone out of my way to try and keep him from feeling small, while he was trying to tear me apart and make me feel small. Subtle intermitent. Walked on egg shells for years. I will survive, and I hope to some day be whole again.

President's Day

Promises, promises it was. I haven't seen Nabal much today but every time I have I'm dodging hugs and kisses. He comes across the room lips leading. So ridiculous, turns my stomach every time. I'm not exaggerating, my stomach clinches and turns whenever he comes near. This didn't just start even when we 'got along' if I was straining with something heavy and near the oven in a strained position he always made it worst. When I complained he'd laugh and say I couldn't take a joke. Looking back I see clearly. Saw an episode of 'Mike & Molly' last week, Molly's hilariously irreverent mom and sister referred laughingly of a man the mom dated as 'a come in, come in, Tokyo Rose.' A brute that treats women's breasts like an old fashioned radio, and expect that it's enjoyable. Yet a complaint about that and I was accused of not loving him or being unsatisfiable... Really... I never got tired of that. Yes I did, and he'd somehow convinced me I was hard to please. Took years to realize that it was inatentiveness. He once answered that (well, often) if I forgot anything it was because I didn't care... about him. Made it very personal. Why was that believable? Because I have a very good memory. By the way, I am not sending mixed signals. I walk away, duck when I'm cornered, lean as far away as my body will stretch when I'm cornered. Then he either laughs and at times practically skips away. It's a game, and he's winning because I can't get up the courage or finances to leave. Yes I feel foolish.

Sunday

Nabal was all abuzz when I got home from church. Having the protege cook for him then putting on the finishing touches himself. He asks if I was going to church with him, then says our girl promised she would. I said no, he asked why, I asked why... then he cuts loose. "You are my wife that's why. You are my wife." My reply was simply, "and..." Then he got mad. Our girl in fact had told him nothing, never answered. He lied to manipulate an outcome. Comes back and he says, "This is why the children don't go to church, because you don't go to church with me!" Let's just forget that I do go to church and try not to be a hypocrite. He refuses to believe it has anything to do with his behavior. Tonight he brought me a salad. I hadn't asked for a salad and I had just eaten and was full. I politely said no thank you. He started to wheedle, so I said thank you and took the plate and sat it next to me. He then changes and says, "Are you going to eat it?" I told him no I said I wasn't hungry and he got so mad, cursed all the way upstairs under his breath. Later he asked again if I wanted salad. Again i said no. He says something trying to sound concerned about my not eating all day. I'd just eaten pizza i ordered for the kids and said so. He asked, "Why?" Sounding as if I had done something wrong. Then says you know pizza isn't good for you. Where the heck did that come from? Oh yeah, from his beer bottle of control. It snowed, Nabal made his own snow man with beer bottle eyes. Corona bottle caps. He just wandered down here drunk and tried to get under the covers saying he was staying with me tonight. Nooo. Sofas are for one. He said soon as he could he was leaving the way I didn't want him anymore, he didn't want me anymore. I must think I'm so good, but I'm not. At this point it's promises, promises.

Saturday

I had a really great day promoting my business. Maybe Nabal got nervous. Today he gets me a valentines day card.... Definitely not a case of better late than never. The day after he said I'd never make enough money for him to leave was the day I got 4 new clients. Thank you lord!

Thursday

Last night Nabal showed the kids a girl's photo on Facebook and told the children that that is his daughter. Some friend's daughter, looks to be in her 20's. His family does have a habit of doing that. One of his brother's has a daughter that the whole family knows about, well, everyone except his wife of 15 years... Oh well... Why would he tell the kids? He was blato drunk. Today he was in rare form... Trying to do one of his kiss stealing moves I ducked. He runs off laughing saying, "You get so mad!" Why does he do that? I'm not mad, he just loves to play this game...

Wednesday

Came in tonight from church to the normally drunk Nabal. Then we throw in the protege. He put clothes in the washing machine 3 days ago. I'll dry them tomorrow so I can wash some clothes... Yet another body to clean up after... Came home and found my grandfather's rocking chair in the driveway. No I don't have room in the house for it, but I can store it in my own garage if I want to! Tonight Nabal was talkative... "Why are you so pretty?" he asks me. "Is is because you're mine?" what!? "Hey, you gonna come sleep with me in my bed tonight?" Really? So, all the talk of wanting to do so much for Valentine's Day. Nabal didn't try to get me so much as a candy bar or a card. Mind you I am not complaining. I want out so bad I can taste it. What I am saying is if he were trying to make ammends he would have put forth some effort. He wanted me to arrange everything. He wanted me to meet him at his church. Oh yeah, so all his fellow church goers could see and foolishly think I was devoted. In the end Nabal ended up eating all our boys chocholate that his girlfriend gave him. Such a pain living with a controler. All day he has been trying to get 'familiar' with his hands. Evidently he thinks I won't draw back in public. My gut forms a knot just talking to him. His touch brings a recoil down to the core of my being. Tonight I came home and found he unplugged the yogurt maker. I so hate drunks! We'll see if it ends up ok.

Tuesday

There stands Nabal with duck lips reaching. "Gimme a kiss baby!" Really I could have slapped him. Later he comes behind me and tries to hold my waist; I cringe every muscle tenses. Realized today I have a hole in my gut. At this rate it will kill me. "Did you decide where we are going to dinner?" I look at him quizically. He says, "You said you wanted to go to dinner." Told him, "Nooo, you said you wanted to go to dinner. I said no. You bugged me until finally I said, "I don't care!" " He says so you didn't say you wanted to go to dinner? (really, are we having this conversation?) So don't you want to go to dinner? Finally I said again, "I don't care!" I am in the worst of moods. 3 days into not smoking, realized I have an ulcer or worse and it hurts. anxiety and stress level r off the charts. All these years putting up with his crap, finally realizing it is all a crappy control headgame mindf@ck All to realize I could die before his fool drunk ass or so shortly after it wouldn't make a bit of difference. My pretty girl could be placed in his custody. Not a good day at all. Didn't go to dinner, didn't feel too well. He comes in tries for a kiss... How about a kiss of friendship. He gets a few feet away, "How about a kiss of love." Really a boyish grin... He walks by and says, "You are sleeping with me tonight right? I'm cold." Dark waters cover me! It's like a fight of wills, not of right or wrong...

St. Valentine's Day

I'm thinking today that this day for lovers, couples to focus on one another is a boon day for domestic abusers. The abuser can boost their public persona. Making the neighbors swoon with their generosity. You? You are the envy of every and anyone truly in love... He showers you with all the trimmings, wines you, dines you, the admiring public says you are so lucky and would be a fool to let that go! Only you know that this is a hostage situation. Give the right answers, the right looks, you are being evaluated at all times.

My Valentine History, Such As It Is...

Let me think and let me be fair. I really can not remember Nabal ever putting forth any effort- never a chocolate, card, present. I always was making plans, buying lingerie. I guess all to build up his ego and prove my fidelity. What a dumb ass, me prove myself. What had I done? Nothing out of line that's for sure. Looking back he is a hard person to be intimate with... his breaking you down so he can then comfort you by telling you that it will all be alright and he loves you through and despite your shortcomings. Every time a man accuses you of cheating without any grounds for it. Not flirting, not even the way of dress. He is saying that to him you are a sneaky slut and it's only a matter of time before you are caught at it. If your old ego doesn't clue your conscience in on this, it eats like acid at your self worth. Way in the back of your mind you are trying to figure out what it is about you that gives this vibe off, and do others see it and just never mention it, yet secretly harbor thoughts against you. This is carried out when these so called lover/husbands tell us that their friends think you are into them. These 'friends' are never the nicer people they know, but always some shady character who you despise. They know we despise these people, so who better to blame us for attracting? Wow! They really do work us well don't they?

When I started this blog Nabal had dropped the veneer of everything and just sneered and let his hatred of me out. My kids bought flowers for me. Nabal I remember asked me pointedly what was my problem that day. I don't remember acting out of sorts. What I do think was that he just wanted to dig a few barbs in. He asked about the flowers, then sneered and asked if he needed to buy any or something mean like that. I'm sure it's in here somewhere.

What I see this year is him trying to get me to be fully engaged in Valentines to get me to 'behave.' I'm not biting. When Valentine's Day is about control, not romance. It's really become the forefront of his focus. Like it has to happen. I wonder who he needs to brag for? Maybe he just figures it's the psychological impact he thinks it should have on me. All these years he has never put any effort into the day, now he's putting me in the position that if I don't hop on board and go all out with his date setup I am letting him down. Today he is on me about going to dinner, to a movie. Really this is all about him not hearing a thing I say. His saying, "reality is what I say it is, and to hell with what think, want, feel." He is a spin doctor. At least I can rest assured that none of his other fantasies have ever amounted to anything even though he still spins the tales whenever he's drunk. No grand arches connecting our house to an apartment in our back yard. No apartment in our back yard. No second story on our house. No tattoo of an eagle on his face. No expensive cars. No expensive houses. No money in the bank. What this is, is that now he is sure I want out, I'm fed up with all the crap and I have taken him at his word that he is does not want to remain in this marriage. Now that I have made peace with that and come to look forward to freedom. He has decided he is not going to allow that. I see and hear veiled threats. "Want to die with you." Master puppeteer he is. I am or was one of the most stubborn people when people wanted me to do something against my conscience and I dig my heels in. I'm back there. I really feel tho, that this time it can be dangerous. No one will understand as I said, he has never hit me, but has alluded. I can't put the children in harms way. He is to the point that he has in his mind been able to blame everything and excuse all his actions by making them my fault or our and out denying that anything written here in this blog happened. This is why I have written it all down. He's trying to make me forget. That may sound strange or farfetched, but that is where the abuse amnesia comes from. This is the most blatant probably because I am no longer a participant. Looks deeply into my eyes and without a trace of anything says he has never done anything but the best for our family. Never said a word other than encouraging. Never drank as much as I lead everyone to believe. I am mistaken and in fact am the one who has been nasty to him. He has been trying to just by a thread hold the family together in spite of my actions... Next he'll be wanting to purchase a unicorn for our daughter... He has no conscience. Just whatever his whim is at any given time.

It is just so easy to get tired and get tired of fighting him. He tells me every day that I will never go any where, I can't get away from him, he'll never leave willingly, that if I knew what was good for me I'd just give in, I will never be able to be financially independent. I was, why can't I be again? Do you know how it feels when you tell someone you are ready to end a marriage and they come back and pretend you said nothing? When an argument is had, then they come back to you very quietly and speak to you about never leaving you. Not good quiet, creepy, possessive quiet that forces itself into your personal space. Laughs when you make an effort to reclaim that space. Feeling your stomach twist, feel the burn of acid, feel every nerve go on high alert.

No one understands, not one.

Sunday

Nabal tried to call me out today... I left church after a fellowship meal, stopped by the store for canned catfood. As I turned into the lot I caught sight of Nabal, as he drives my old car most now. I parked than realized I left my phone and bible on the counter, I help with food. Went back got everything, went back, parked in the same space. Got my stuff together and looked up and there was Nabal. I knew he was "checking up" on me. He's trying to intimidate. I get out and he just says, "What are you getting?" I know what he's doing and didn't even want to answer. "Cat food." I answered. Nabal: "I called you, you came in here a long time ago. I saw you." He spit it out like a lawyer trapping a lying witness under oath. I told him about just returning because of the forgotten phone, wallet, bible. He said o, and left. Yes, he called, tried to call me out... Came back to check up because I didn't answer his call... So he's decided we have to go on some date. Go to a movie. I've told him no. If it hasn't happened in almost 20 years it's too late now. He comes down stairs and through the door yells a time. Says I have to go to the movies with him. I yelled back no. Mandated dates. Trying to throw the husband weight. I don't see me getting away ever. Whatever, it's all about control and that's what he's losing. He evidently thinks I 'need' someone to love me... He doesn't have a clue how past any feelings I am, I am in survival mode.

Saturday

Yet again... "So, did you figure out what we are going to do?" Do about what? "Valentine's Day!" Yes! Nothing!

Saw again the America's Most Wanted that remindes me of Nabal. Jose Corona went nuts and killed his wife with a chain saw. Nabal was watching I pretended not to pay attention. Nabal says, "You see that? He want to kill all of them..." Then he got a look, half smile and said with a hint of... amusement? sarcasm? "Some people is crazy..." I saw the look because I noticed something in the voice. Drunk off his ass again. Spent 2 hrs out in the cold talking on the phone. I noticed he's talking to the pastor pretty much like he is telling her what to do. Finally he gets to run the church...

Nabal came out of the shower just in time to see the end of America's Most Wanted, when he heard the charge on Jose Corona, decapitating his wife with a chain saw... he laughed... Not a gut laugh, but a chuckle.

Friday...

Nabal came in from work acting like we were 5 years ago. Not happening! Then I'm in the bathroom he says through the door (thankfully) and says, "So, did you ever decide what we are doing for Valentines Day?" I had to mentally laugh, I told him nothing, for the umteenth time. I think he thinks that if he just acts like this is 5 years ago the time will wind back...

Today he asked me to make an appointment with a dermatologist about his legs. They have a horrible itchy dermatitis that spread all the way his leg to his buttocks. I asked who he saw. He said the same you made it with last time. I paused, I didn't make it last time. He sounded sure I did. Told him he said some lady from his church made it. Not sure if he was putting on a charade or what. I'm going to tell them to check his liver enzymes...

Really Should Have Guessed...

Nabal came downstairs with a paper towel, "I brought tacos!" I thanked him but declined. "Please, please, please!"

Me: Noooo, I'm not hungry. Thank you.

Nabal: Just 2! You have to tell me which you like better.

Me: Fine. ( was planning on giving them to the dog)

I was watching Leno and forgot all about them. He came back reached for the paper towel, noticed I hadn't eaten. "Why didn't you eat baby?" Comes over, sits down tries to get touchy caressie. Goes through the whole mad thing. Declares undying love. I cringe at just his closeness... He says he has never shown anything but love and doesn't remember anything I mention as him doing anything bad... (crazymaking) What HE remembers is me being nasty to him... I told him of some of his behavior, he denied it. I told him our girl had video of it. He turns the conversation on my. Lack of sex: You sleep with a drunk driving your kids around. You sleep with a man who accuses you of sleeping around when you hardley leave the house and never alone. You sleep with a man who starts making up stories about 20 years ago and you being a slut then. (I had one boyfriend when he met me...) You sleep with the man who accuses you of lusting after his sleaziest friend.

So he says, "So, you don't want me no more." I became livid, he has spent years acting an ass. Denies memory of anything, and we know if he denies it it never happened. He asks flat out if I can forgive him. I said no. He asks if I want him to leave. I said I need to find a job that pays well because of all the debt he put on the house. He says, "You never gonna make money." He says he'll find a room tomorrow. He goes upstairs. Ten minutes later he comes back and says, "I'm going going to talk to the kids." I said fine, he talked to them now. (I knew what he meant) He replied, "About what we just talked about." I said, "Ok." He comes over sits on me strokes my hair. "I love you so much little baby, I'm never gonna leave you. I want to die with you." (creepy) He gets close and I can smell the alcohol. (DAMN! I'm talking to a drunk) He was down earlier smoking his pipe. And that fast folks he went from leaving to staying, and it all happened before Leno went off... I'm stuck and he was fact finding. Just another crazy making scene.

No matter what I say, what I feel it just doesn't matter. I'm also taking the creepy 'die with you' thing as a subliminal threat. I know and understand grow old with you, who the hell says die with you? This is why I write here, not to entertain anyone but for my own memory. I have forgiven and forgotten for so many years it became a habit. He tho understood my habit and took advantage of it. Now he is actively denying things, everything. Funny, he was very careful to not blame me in so many words. He's taking 50% I said fine I'll take half too and let's call it quits! Head games and mind f@#ks!

Here We Go...

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I know the problem...

Every day Nabal asks, "What are we going to do for Valentines Day?" He asks every day like he didn't ask the day before. Every day he has a new suggestion. Today it was a movie. I gave the same answer, "What you always do. Which is nothing." Then he quietly asks, "Get a motel room?" I ignore him and he gets louder until I can hear him. I say no and he innocently asks why. I tell him he can go if he wants. He says, "You come stay with me?" Me: NO! Nabal: Why? I start giving reasons, he leaves. What part of No...? Trying to wear me down... no gonna happen. Just hate these games. Told him I want divorce, not going to play his games again- he refuses to hear. Even keeps looking up $200,000+ homes he says we are going to buy. I told him I am getting out of our state and to a way cheaper place where I have friends. He did try to say he would go too, even suggested Texas. Nope! He is just pretending he doesn't hear me, and I know there is a method to this, like inferring that no matter what I want, need, think, he can ignore me, doesn't matter. I'll never get away. Depressing..

Lies, Lies, Lies

The first time I confronted Nabal about his rendezvous with Mary at the hotel. The one he lied so pitifully to get to. Such a good liar. Oh how the story has changed..

Lie 1- We just talked. She didn't want me, but I tried. We read the bible.

Lie 2- She never came. I just stayed there and waited, but she never showed.

Lie 3- I wasn't there. I parked there to go visit friends on the street behind. Parking is

tight there.

The last has to be my favorite. He doesn't realize that I have a copy of the Visa payment for the hotel room.

His denials are epic. He wanted to cuddle for my birthday. I guess that was my present? Then he got indignant and tried to call me out and tried to tell me that my last birthday I had acted funny too. It was a memorable day. Our girl's first homecoming dance was the same day. He was preoccupied all that evening, got in a few pictures but did not drive or go with me to drive her to meet her date at school. Later that evening once he passed out I checked his phone. I had stopped checking it regularly but knew without a shadow of a doubt that something was up. There it was, Pictures of Isela in her underwear, pleading with him to send a nude pic of him first so she would not feel so vulnerable. From the language it seemed that he had been begging for quite some time. She at that time accused him of playing the field. Which was true! This was my birthday! Went by without notice from him. I was expecting nothing and happy he didn't try to pretend. This year he remembered and wanted to hug and kiss. He tries to use any excuse for ME to give him a kiss. He seems to be losing his patience. Maybe he will just leave.

I remember several years ago when I couldn't leave town to go to Mexico. He and our boy left. Even with our girl and my very sick aunt I got more done. I remember being able to think clearer. I only called him if he hadn't called by late in the day. I remember feeling bad about feeling relief for having a little freedom of being able to start a project and not have one of his emergencies come up that I would have to drop everything and go do. I got so much done and when his stay got extended I practically danced. Weird thing is this was when we were getting along and right when he started drinking again. He drank heavily with his brother and our boy and his youngest brother had to clean up after him. I just thought we needed a break from each other. I should have known and not felt ashamed when I was a little bummed upon his return.

Wednesday

It just hit me! I know why Nabal would always say that I sent the kids to private school so people would think 'I' was rich. He projects his shortcomings onto me and that's his criteria for spending. I sent our girl because she's very bright but has a learning disability that's pretty severe and public school here was putting her in slow classes with the behaviour problems. (thugs!) Our boy... I was just trying to get him decent male role models. Yet it still didn't dawn on me to go...

Caught Nabal at a little trick of his today. Maybe it's conscious, maybe it's not. I realized he is very vague then gets annoyed when you have no clue what he's talking about. He reacts like maybe I'm stupid. Today he asked if I had the thing for the place. I don't talk to him much and he has a few jobs lined up. I asked (not sure which to ask about first, the place or thing) What? So a little louder, "Did you ever get the thing done that I said I needed." Clear as mud. Classic withholding of information, yet trying to make me responsible for it still.

Thursday Late

I watched Nabal take his NyQuil. He doesn't have a cold. He worked today and yet as usual without sucking on a beer bottle he can't go to sleep without it. Our kids have friends at school who abuse OTC cold meds and some who are recovering. We have a bunch of empty bottles hanging around. The kids try to hide them from recovering kids. I've told Nabal that kids abuse the stuff and to stop telling the kids to take it when they can't sleep. His reply? "But it works." So does booze, but we don't tell them to do that! Why tell them to misuse OTCs? Just bad judgement all around. The curse of living with a father who has abdicated all responsibility. Just maybe this is why our boy would get so mad. I have got to get my mind together!

Tuesday

Have I ever mentioned that Nabal in his 40's doesn't know any of his passwords to anything online... Take that back, he's finally memorized his password to Facebook, but always gets his email address wrong. He doesn't even know that password... He used to years ago say, "Computees are for stupids." whenever I tried to show him how to use one. Then the kids found out he knew his way around a computer when he wanted to. Like IMing some woman he was hitting on. He got on our nerves so the kids finally called him on it one night when he was drunk and asked our girl to keep finding stuff for him. He finally said that he knew how to do things, he just liked having us do them for him...

Saw a description of an abuser that struck me silent when I first read it. Fit Nabal to a T- A man that didn't have a good father figure. Does not accept authority. Never praises another man above himself. Particularly dislikes financially successful men. I can say with one, one time exception this is the honest truth. Nabal once admitted that the Protege was a better Stone mason than he was. Again I was struck dumb. I wonder if that's why he had to get the poor man hooked on the bottle? Before this he was a model person, quiet, nondrinker, loved and supported his wife and didn't play around, worried about his son who has problems with his growth. That's all in the past...

Now if I can just get myself back together... I was thinking of all the stinky things he's done to me that I forgave because he had a bad childhood. I should have let him walk 10 years ago when he always threatened to leave, or when he offered all the money from the sale of a house. He said I didn't want to be with the kids and I should take the money and go. I was trying to figure out what I did that gave that impression. He said everyone could tell. This is where the hate stems from. He wanted me to feel bad. He wanted me to feel small and like he was doing me a favor. I used all my money to keep us alive and school the kids. I feel so stupid...

Monday Evening

Well, as predicted young pablito was not released today. It was his 3rd time caught in the same borrowed car. He evidently had a few psychotic breaks while he was there so they sent him to the state mental hospital. Nabal was not happy. I don't believe he went to court as Pablito requested, and I know I'm hearing the story through the filter of Nabal lies to cover his hand in the young man's downfall. Nabal said, "The judge said he's crazy. The last time he was taking the medecine it made him sick." I told him that the new medicines to help stop out of control drinking makes you sick if you drink. Nabal said he hadn't had anything to drink in 2 months. I said well the suddenly stopping drinking could have set it off again. He was all upset that they have guards who make sure medicine is taken and that it was the medicine that made him act crazy... I said alcoholic psychosis is serious and Nabal took off upstairs! He likes to tell everyone Pablito is bi-polar a lie to cover both their butts in church. I don't think he realized I saw the diagnosis when he showed me the papers. That's when he was being a straight up ass, not like now when he's playing poor boy. What he also may not be saying is maybbe the drinking cessation meds may be court ordered to keep Pablito from killing someone. I do know that as soon as he gets out Nabal will expect him to drink with him again. That could really spell danger. Nabal made a mess of the living room last night, everything was knocked off the coffee table. I asked what happened and he jokingly tried to pin it on the children, laughed then walked out the door. Aside from the mess dirty plates and glasses. Just think... he hasn't worked in 2 weeks. He finally did fix the tile in the bathroom upstairs, used one of my best mixing bowls. Stuff won't come out.Keeps telling me it's ready to use, yet he doesn't... Why? The tub needs to be cleaned. What was our room, hasn't been cleaned since I moved out way more than 6 months ago.

Monday

Nabal's new schtick: Whenever I don't want to do something I must be mad. The kids have a friend from the Middle East and their mom sent bread. Nabal was drunk, I made a chicken stew. Nabal made sandwiches and put mayo. It was after 12 am and I had eaten hours before and had a bowl of ice cream- I was done. I took one of his sandwiches told him I was full so don't bring another. I gave mine to the dog... I just didn't feel like arguing. He came back with another and I told him i did not want any more. He bows his head and goes back up the stairs saying, "Why are you mad?" And there it is! Control! Yesterday he comes over to me, "Give me a little beso of I love you." I'm mad. I come in from church and he wants a big hug and kiss. I must be mad. I'm not mad. It has been 4 years+ of pure hell that he thinks I'm to forget and is sure I would if I weren't mad... I'm throwing away 20 years, because I'm mad. I won't believe his lies because I'm mad. I'm not mad, I'm disgusted. At me because i can't seem to get out of here, at him because he refuses to take a hit for anything or apologize. Not that it would work. He thinks these things just happen during a marriage and no apology is necessary. So, to keep score all that happened, all his behavior was 1. because of the economy (it was before) 2. when pushed it was really all my fault. My character flaws, our sex life (undermined by his constant accusing me of being unfaithful and inventing things that never happened) I'm no fluzzy, I don't dress like one, I don't flirt with men. Heck I know how Nabal was and how sensitive so I never even had a movie star i oggled over. Jonny Depp I kept in my heart... I raised kids, dressed like a drudge when I went out, the only place I ever went was food shopping, church, school and out with an old aunt before she died. Yet he accused me. I tried to sell Avon, was very cautious to sell only to women not to upset him or bring suspicion. And yet he accused. I finally got it, it was not in me- it was all him, and there was no cure or precaution. For him women are sluts, it's only a matter of time until u catch them at it.

What The Kids Hear

Nabal has at least twice now said inappropriate things about his and my past sex life to our children. I know what he is doing, I've read about this. Abusers made veiled threats to expose or tell people sexual secrets from your bedroom if you try to leave. I wouldn't care what he told people about me. I don't have anyone close enough that I'd care, and he doesn't know any of my friends. I'd block him on FB. But... the children... another story. Our son asked a joking question one night, "Why am I the way I am?" I heard the end about sex when he was made. I came up the steps and laid into him. Nabal was drunk and laughing that it wasn't inappropriate and only a joke anyway. Our boy was shocked, his sister just went back to her room. Did i mention that he asked a 14 year old friend of the kids where to buy weed. Yes the child knows, but you still dont ask a child. He asked a friend of our son who does happen to be 23 to smoke a bowl with him. It's like he can't help corrupting people. When he found out our boy had a party at our rental house, instead of getting in trouble Nabal says he wished they would have told him so they could have brought food and beer... Nabal, the father. He still waits until I'm talking on the phone to come and try to kiss me on the mouth while I'm talking... he then loudly kisses me wherever he can, usually on the forehead or cheek. It's all about control, nothing more.

Church Escapades

Nabal has aleinated his old friend Hector. Hector and his wife have split and he's still calling Nabal out for his behavior and his teaching bible study on Wednesday nights, occasionaly preaching Sundays, and preying as leadership. A few weeks ago Hector came to the Wednesday night study with a pastor and elders from another church. Nabal was hot! He said Hector had stopped attending the study he teaches. He claims Hector thought Nabal didn't know what he was talking about. (they have real doctrinal problems there anyway) So in the end his story was that Hector brought the men because he doesn't like the way he teaches. (Upon hearing this our boy said, "Yeah, he teaches hypocritically!) Nabal and his pastor text quite a lot, usually every day. They talk a lot and the weirdest thing is that most of the evenings they are talking church business he is drunk as a skunk. (he's not a slurrer half the time I don't know until he says something drunk talkish) Nabal is feeling the net draw closer and he runs to the bedroom to talk to the pastora now. I have heard him speak of Hector in the voice of a viper. Setting the stage for if and when Hector decides to bust him. Pablito is back in jail for drunk driving. He has court February 6, both he and Nabal think he's getting out of jail. This is at least his 3rd DUI. He had another psychotic break in jail and wrote a wild letter to Nabal. Nabal asked me if I really tthought alcohol could cause him to be bipolar. I didn't even bother to correct him. He knows the man doesn't suffer from bipolar disorder, that's an invention of Nabal's to cover his hand in Pablito's alcoholic psychosis as stated in his medical papers. He has spread that rumor in case there's ever a question. Well, my answer to him was yes, it's probably hitting him so bad now because he can't drink and it was so abrupt. I still think Pablito will be his undoing and not Hector. Nabal made a monster in him. I also love that Nabal is now on Face Book and doesn't realize everyone can see his posts, he also doesn't know about computer history. Every day he FB stalks Mary Sims and Isela. He says weird pick up type things to other women. The kids call his writting creepy.

A Saturday in February

Could be the worst Valentines Day ever! I have been sleeping in the basement for months. Ever since Nabal forced himself on me while I was sleeping. What he did hurt physically and mentally, I left the bedroom and haven't returned except to change sheets and hang his clothes since he thinks taking them upstairs is beneath him. They get in my way. He now wants to know what we will do for valentines day... I told him same thing he has done for 20 years- nothing! Looking back I bought the lingerie, made hotel arrangements. He enjoys himself without as much as a box of chocolates! Was I that disconnected? A few years ago he harshly asked me, "So what? I guess u want me to buy u something." He asked because the children bought me flowers so I wouldn't feel bad. Nabal wasn't even speaking to me, just sneer when I was around. Today he comes to the basement where I was watching a movie, sits close and keeps doing the age old teenage move of stretching his arms then laying his hand on me. It makes every muscle in me cringe. I move away, he waits a while then tries again. He never tries to talk about a problem. He just laughs and runs away like a kid. He thinks I'll relent eventually and just give in to his advances. He eventually says that Valentines Day this year is on a Saturday (what calendar he's using is a mystery) so we should go to a motel. Haven't slept in the same room in over 6 months, wife visibly cringes when touched, doesn't want to hug or kiss, barely speaks. Really? That sounds like a good idea? A while later he looks over puts his hand on my knee and whispers. I had to ask him to repeat himself a few times. He asked if I wanted to go up to our old bedroom and play... Oh yeah, that was the invitation I have been waiting for! I don't want to understand him. He just tried to hug and kiss me while I was serving dinner I dodged him and said no. Nabal uses a false demanding voice, "Como que no?" Laughs and takes his food and leaves the kitchen.