Monday

Went to Nabal's church yesterday. Under duress... but ended up very pleased. I think they finally have a good man and his wife. He just sets off good vibes. I think he doesn't have an agenda like all here do, well he does have one, but it appears to be the one a pastor is supposed to have! Advancing Godly maturity among the flock and waiting on the Lord to lead them to people and places. Nabal is not yet sure he is happy. Nabal is still making plans for the church. He stated he isn't sure the pastor is 'strong' enough to preach. I'm thinking he sees that this is a Godly man and won't play the game and may find him out. The guy just preaches the word straight. And they know how to be warm and hospitable to all.

Don't know if I wrote this down so I'll write it again: While Nabal was at the hospital he mentioned his pain after eating and chest pains to a doctor... Evidently the doctor told him it was the vitamins he was taking.... He only took something like "Centrum" Now, knowing that Nabal is a liar... I was amused. Maybe he caught a student and they misspoke or he lied and for his 'story' that was the answer.

Saturday

Been reading from the 'Out of the Fog' site. Good reading. I'm pretty sure we're in 'hoover' mode. Sucking the non-whatever back in a relationship when they've gone too far. Yeah, I thought so.

So tonight Nabal who is drinking, but nice is out in the backyard... in the dark. Making plans for our girl's quinceanera. He's asking me to approve a bunch of his plans.I listened and told him he could do whatever he wanted. He gives me a speech about how it has to be 50/50 to make it happen. I told him that he told me last year that I had no idea what was to be done or about his culture and to stay the hell out of it. He replied, "I didn't say that.... Did I?" "Yes." so he goes on. Then lectures me that I am always mad and I can't be like that because we need to work together to do this for our girl... And I can not hold him responsible for something he said last year while drunk. Then cast disbelief as to whether I was lying or not. So I told him the rest... He was going to rent vans or a bus and take all his friends to TX where he was going to have someone plan it, maybe his ex-sister-in-law. He again told me this was now and that I had to stop being mad. Then he stuttered a few times and said sorry. Finally! I still don't know if he is serious or if he is sucking me back in. Funny I've gotten emotionally bigger and just won't fit into the pipe anymore. Haven't found anything on him lately and his text went down to half last month, but I'm still sure I'm done. Just nothing there but disgust, and distrust anymore. Still reconciling loving him like anyone else and not hating...

What I am hearing is he is trying to tell me how to feel. I am mad and he refuses to deal with why. Whenever we get anywhere near having a conversation to deal with it he blames me and that's the end. Why deal with something that is not you fault? Blame shift and feel good!

3 sheets to the wind and trying to play our boy's violin to Mariachi music on the cable... He's trying to stand like he can really play... Yet he never wants to take the time to actually learn any instrument. He always picks up an instrument and then gets in front of a mirror and play acting like he is some cool musician. I bought him a guitar years ago and he never pursued it. Yet he looks upon anyone who plays and says if they can do it it must be easy...

Friday

So I guess I should be happy... Nabal seems to be turning over a new leaf. But other times I have found out that it is just an up front lie to cover his other doings. What burns me the most is that all the time he is asking, "Why does it always seem like you are mad?" Still trying to pretend that nothing happened. He always laughs, as id he were talking to a petulant child. Trying to wipe the slate blank and pretend. I can't. I owe it to myself and to the kids. Almost done school and will be working. I won't be slightly happy until I am making enough to float the entire house and pay the debt off. I won't be happy until the next time Nabal says he's leaving I won't have to be scared, but go get him a bag and start packing. I will be so happy to see the back of all the drinking, the womanizing, the lies, the putdowns and the feeling like I don't know what is real. Nabal has a new pastor coming and he is back to being Mr. Church. But he still has the same weird doctrine of doing what you want to as long as you go to church. I know what I see, but I dot believe what I see. I think he is out of money and as soon as he gets more in his hot little hand he will be off and running again. This time though, he can keep going. He actually said to me that maybe 'we' had been trying to keep up with the 'Joneses' and that's where the money went. I don't even know where the money went. I had money in savings and he had a fit because he wanted to see his money. He wanted it all in his non-interest checking account. He ran out of money constantly and took my inheritance money and never paid it back. He promised he would. He lived like the boom was never going to end. I'm wondering did he smoke it up? Did he not charge enough for his jobs? I know where $7000 went. He was giving it to a family of grifters. He was strutting around thinking he was going to get over on them and almost gave them $10,000 until I told him I wouldn't write another check. We all tried to warn him. He told us we knew nothing about business. Now we owe everybody. I just want to pay everyone off, let him save his money and send him off with his pockets full so he will leave me the hell alone.

Wednesday

So confusing... Now Nabal is on a campaign to win everyone over. That may be well and good, but the mention of any of his actions of the past 2 years sends him into blame shifting, accusing mode. None of it seems to be his fault. Me, other people... Really bothers me that he doesn't want to deal with any of what went down. Always asking me, "Why are you always mad." Like there's no possible foundation in the world... The other night he said, "At least you never caught me in infidelity." I said what do you call meeting a woman in a hotel room. "She never showed up." WTF! I called him out and called him a liar. I told him that I remembered in the first telling last year that he said all they did was talk. The briefest of smiles crossed his lips. Je changed the subject.

Thursday

What a week... Nabal got so drunk and high Tuesday night (after church) that he couldn't remember anything about it the next morning. He left his weed pipe lighter on the living room table. He could not remember where he left his phone. He actually cleaned up his beer bottles in the living room so he could find it. He finally found it in his truck, which he used to go purchase his last beer (while he was drunk.) After that he forgot all about his bag of empty beer bottles at the front door. He charged it and sat watching it until it was done. Another thing he forgot. I'd made a shrimp soup the night before that he liked. Everyone eats all evening coming in from work and school. I heard him, as I fell asleep, he was fiddling with the top then the back door opened (it is indeed cold enough to keep food on the back porch) He told me that all the soup was gone and didn't remember any of the putting it outdoors. Then at about 2am he comes in and wakes me up trying to talk to me. He definitely had his drunk voice.

Fast forward- Last night he had moved his phone. He asked me to work on his knee. His phone was plugged in next to the bed again. He 'slyly" picked it up, put him next to him, then returned it to the night stand face down. So, no new text except from CM in Colorado family pics some of men. Interesting thing though he and 'Private' talked twice for 13 minutes, at 9:30 and 10. They called back at 10:30- something and there was a voicemail. Nothing but music. Funny, he's revving up and I will be finished school in 4 weeks and will be home in the evenings. At which time he will probably act like a spoiled child whose fun I have messed up...

So, there is someone in the hospital. Related to the old folks there. Hermano Tono. M Our boy asked who was in the hospital that Nabal had to sit with them all evening. Which made me rethink that yesterday Nabal came home and changed and 'had to' sit at the hospital. He called to let me know. Funny thing is he never calls to let me know where he is, never has. In fact he walks out the door without so much as a good bye. He identified the relative as male. I asked for a name so I could pray for the person. I asked in honest innocence not fishing for information. He asked someone and gave a garbled female name. It was a familiar name from some text I've seen. Innocent religious text. After that he was really cagey when mentioning the sick person who is 32. So, I'm working on his knee and he says, "Someone said that drinking a lot takes the fluid off the joint." It was out of left field and I wasn't sure what he was talking about. So I asked. He said, "When you drink a lot of alcohol it makes the fluid in the joints go away." (something I told him last year, but he thought I was an idiot. I agreed with this and asked him who had said that. "The doctor, while I was visiting at the hospital." I really want to know where that conversation came from. I do need to ask. One of the kids came in and distracted me. "I thought that it would be the opposite since you are drinking." I just said, No, alcohol is dehydrating." End of conversation. So, is there an alcoholic in the hospital? Was he trying to get free advice? Could the doctor look at Nabal and tell he was a heavy drinker." A nurse friend of mine who works in the palative unit said she has men in their 30's in with liver failure all the time. They are bleeding out everywhere and at the end of their lives.

We have figured out that Nabal is taking a lot of Tylenol lately. I think we have had the conversations around him about liver damage. I'm pretty sure he started when he had a tooth ache. We have been through this before and the stuff does not really work for him so he takes too much. He had 3 open bottles in the kitchen. Motrin or Advil is my weapon of choice and I only use Tylenol to bump it's effect with severe pain or fever. Never had that much in the house at one time.

This morning Nabal asked me is I were mad with him.............. Then he says, "I love you." I was half asleep and filterless and said, "I'd hate to see what you do to people you hate." He was duly perplexed. The thing is I have gotten past being mad. He really can't hurt me anymore emotionally. I've probably said before, right now I'm just thoroughly disgusted by pretty much everything he does, all his bad behavior.

Today looking at Dr. Oz 'Secrets of men" Men who cheat think they are so many times smarter then the wife they are deceiving. Thank goodness for that, we'd probably never catch them if it weren't for that!

Tuesday

So, our boy was up at 1am studying for exams. (which he shouldn't have been) Nabal's phone goes off- 'Private.' Booty call? I see a 'yes' from Mary, and a 'Good Night!!!!' from Nabal. Same sh*t different year.

Now he is sitting in the hospital with one of his church families being their spiritual support... It's reassuring that God can use a donkey... Of which I have also been many a time.

Monday

Nabal finally found and cleared all his pictures from his phone. He had the 6 he took on 12/23, the 8 he took a few days later, and the picture of his dingle berries he took on 12/27, and the shot of the pillow from 12/26. He really is a piece of work. He got a New years text from Mexico with the misspelling of an english word in 'God bless you brother' His answer the next day was, "What's good?" He texted this this to our boy and he showed it to his boss. "Why is your dad texting you like that? It's a copy and paste from a text that came with the loaner phone that he has pretty well done in. Glass is cracked and not much paint is left on the back...

Friday Nabal worked with Avy, Pablito and the Protege. Everyone but him ended up drunk by 2pm- they worked until 4... Let's not forget that he is the boss. They requested an afternoon break and he took them to the store. The protege bought a 12 pack. Seems from the telling of the story that by the time Nabal was done in the store they had polished off the whole thing. So, how long was Nabal in the store? And what was he doing? He made it sound like all he did was get gas. So, time to head back to work, but first they bought another 12 pack... He said within the hour they all slowed down on him. They were drunk. He sounded so surprised by this... He didn't mention whether he drank with them. He did complain that the work took too long because of it. Then, sounding pretty high and mighty he said the protege asked him to go eat and drink with him for the evening. "I told him no, I was going to church. You know he won't go to church anymore." I could do nothing but look on incredulous. "And do you know I asked Avy to come to church, and he said yes. Now he just called and he's not coming... He's drunk! They all really need to go to church and I don't know why they don't" I had to walk into the other room. Does he really not connect all this? Am I the only one who sees this? Or is he deluding himself so he can feel better. He might drink, but he does go to church? It really is like twilight zone more often than not.

Nabal and Mary texted at least from 7:30pm- 9:30pm.