Tuesday

I was just reading over some old posts. So my husband still to this day says I am blowing everything out of proportion and he and this Mary are only friends that talk about the bible. Well, if that's the case, why was the name disguised as a man's name? I have men who are friends and I don't have their names hidden in my phone as women's names... He even has Isela's name as such. So, what's the difference? Just a light bulb moment.

Sunday

Our boy could not take Nabal's ways and moved in with a friend for a while. Seems Nabal gave him some big lecture about doing stupid stuff and buckling down this year... Not like a normal father, but like the boy has not cleaned up his act this year. The child has 3 AP classes, and was showing Nabal one of his books. Nabal was holding that very book and telling the boy he had to leave this stupid stuff alone and concentrate on his school work. The boy told Nabal this was one of his books for AP History and all Nabal said was, "Oh." This child is a new kid this year and it's like Nabal never noticed. He doesn't notice much... The whole talk of him making the boy give up his instrument was also frustrating for the child along with all his drunken, cheating antics. Just a lot of frustration. The child did this last year after the summer of drunkenness. He should be back in a week once he has had a breather, and get settled into the school year without Nabal's harassment. This is projection at it's finest. Nabal starts things- school, learning drums, guitar; but never follows through. His speech to me tonight was, " that boy can't handle his work and gets mad." Another thing is that the boy wants to drop Spanish and take Chinese and he thinks his father will be mad.

I understand the boy's frustration. I will tell Nabal I'm leaving the house to do something, he will call me several hours later and question me as to whether I did it. Like he sent me to do it and I may have forgotten... It's frustrating, when he isn't drinking he acts like we are all unable to get along without his prodding. I don't mind the asking, it's the tone of voice. Also there is Nabal's thing about never having to tell anyone where he is going because he is a man and answers to no one.

Nabal was, as far as I can tell, not drinking tonight and was walking around saying he had to go,but there was too much for him to leave tonight. Aw hell, We could loose everything... I know when he goes he will not be back and we won't see any money. I have a lot to do fast. God please let me just finish school and get the job I put in for! 5 months is all I need. At least I do have a room I can rent. But I still don't think I will be able to make it with that. I have to look into renting the house and moving somewhere else I can afford. Maybe it's just an idle threat, but he was sober. So, only God knows. Part of his frustration is that I want to tell him so bad that the boy left because of his drinking and the way he frustrates people, but nothing is ever his fault. When the boy left last night Nabal started blaming me. More interested in blaming that finding out where the boy was.

This is part our fault... I will admit this. We have since he has so frequently threatened to leave pulled our ranks together. He has hurt us all so much over the years.

Sunday

So sitting up in the living room minding my business. Nabal is asleep. His phone goes off... a text! 1:16 a.m. from 825-6728 (little Mary)- U sleep. So this is neither here nor there. He has been up late a lot lately and the kids hear him texting. He has been trying to be the reformed Nabal most of the week. Yet I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. Next month's phone bill will tell the truth.

Saturday

What is is with the alcoholic? They do whatever they want, say whatever they want, whenever they want, yet when we get tired of their behavior they act innocent and accuse us of being unfair.

So, last night I was not feeling well, in fact felt awful. Nabal starts saying how no one likes him and how he would make everyone happy by spending time away... Like poor, poor me. He connects none of the family's distance to his actions for the last 3 years. Well, and off and on for the last at least 16 years. Why is it that an alcoholic, and especially Nabal, would like everything they do under the influence separated from what they do while in control? What he does not like to remember is that he has done plenty when he has been in complete control. I don't get the dynamics. I was not raised with alcoholics, as close as I come is a controlling semi-narcissistic mother. Oh, and he kept wanting to take me to the hospital... I really just wanted to be left alone. Talking and concentrating on words was a chore for me. I don't get sick very often and these bouts run their course overnight, yet he starts out a sentence with, "you should see a doctor you are always sick." That got me! I am sick like this maybe every 3-4 months or fewer, and sick maybe twice a year usually less. Yet every time I get the you are always sick speech until I get mad enough to make him think exactly how many times I have been sick in 18 years. Like my being sick causes him some effort. I usually just lay down and want to be left alone.

I am so mad. What is it about king Nabal that he will not help with anything? Not just not help, but make a mess. Clothes, his clothes that I didn't have time to put away were knocked on the floor. By him! I swear having Nabal around is like having an extra child, except the others are growing up. Should have know near the beginning when he said, "What do I have a wife for if I have to clean up." He was referring to clearing his dishes from the table after a meal... Right now his dishes and glasses are all over the house. Some are in the yard, but I count them as gone, because by the time I find them they are broken. And yes we have ample paper cups. Six months...

Thursday

Nabal finally has one of his wishes... he was asked to head up a prison ministry at the jail. Wonder if they have a drug test? He will probably know everyone there probably partied with them in the last year. He was sooooo happy that he got drunk! He is such a puzzle... He is probably that to himself also. Depends on the day. This is with the Spanish population. He seems to hate everyone else these days. Said his next wife will be Spanish. Good for him and her. Then the next day he acts like he has said nothing. Is he lying or has the alcohol addled his brain that much? I guess it's a coin toss and I refuse to try to figure it out. I don't have much to say these days. Not because I am giving the silent treatment or anything, it's just that I have nothing to talk to him about. It worries me that in 6 months Nabal will try to backpedal on his proclamation of leaving. He says things like that to give a verbal punch in the gut, but this time it didn't hurt it felt like a gift...

Wednesday

Well, all has been quiet... We the family are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nabal has been trying to be friendly with the family lately. School is starting, soon my job will be starting and life goes on... I don't even bother to check his phone on a regular basis, I just don't care. I have been lately finding it hard to talk to him unless I absolutely have to. Just knowing his lies have left a sour taste in my mouth. Hoping we will all be happier next year, and that includes Nabal. I wish him well in his next life.

Sunday

So another Sunday, Nabal- sermon preached, check. Sloppy drunk by sundown, check! Some things just never change. Ha! Passed out by 12:15 am.

So he has under the tree in the front yard strewn with empty beer bottles... Lovely... Hey, look... his phone! What has he been browsing??? History is my friend. He seems to check in every day a few times a day. The last thing he did was log onto Myspace... Really! Here he goes again... Mr. I can't do anything on a computer. Is finally learning! I'm sure he and Isela are going further underground. He for years has had to call either me or the kids to find things and keep track of passwords. He looks we wait patiently until he needs us. At least that's the way it used to be... Once said only stupids know computers. I guess we were stupid for acting like servants. He asked for permission to leave, In sex months he can go... with my blessings. We will probably never hear from him again, especially when our boy refuses to go anywhere with him. I can now see soooo many opportunities opening up for me... Work, my kids having a chance at a clean life. Moving forward with my life.

Friday

Evidently Nabal has been working his charm on our boy... The child happens to be gifted in playing an instrument, yet Nabal is telling him he should quit that instrument and learn to play a lot of things. Nabal now fancies himself quite the musician now that he has been practicing drums for 2 weeks and sang last night with their church's worship band. He keeps telling me he will let me sing with them... As in some sort of enticement. Also he is now a singer... This was of course while he was 3 sheets to the wind. I like everyone else just ignore him. He has been sitting in on some music instruction for their church worship band and our boy has been trying to explain basic music theory to him, so now he has enough information to be dangerous. He was pretty drunk last night and passed out and slept in his clothes all night.

He started in on telling me about the neighborhood drug market... He was very proud that is you want any cocaine here you have to go to a Mexican. And pretty mad that only the little guy was getting arrested. So maybe he has been looking up cocaine... there are times he definitely acts like he is on something else other than alcohol and marijuana. He really has to be above everyone else in his mind. A neighborhood of alcoholics and drug addicts, who were born here, ad he still has to know more then thy do. He has to be such a damn expert on everything. Well, I don't know what the Lord has in store, but I'm getting myself ready for the worst case scenario. I'm just sooo ready to move the heck along. I have been done for so long. I know I just need a little more time, 6 months and it will be over... hopefully. One way or another, through the grace of God. Eventhough our boy will be a senior next year he is so willing to switch schools and move away from this town. If we move where they want to move I need more schooling... not a problem- except for the money. But if I am solo with the kids it may be easier to pay for. I don't know what this next year has in store for my tired and troubled family, but have high hopes that the Lord we serve will not be surprised.

My girl tells me that Nabal was up texting at 3:30 or 4 in the morning. Last month he had 458 text which is now unlimited, but he now has internet charges... which cost him. Wow, just like a teen, loading up new toys on the phone and not realizing they cost money... Also they are charging him for his international texting... He is such a busy boy. So many special friends... He swapped out his package and now is paying way to much. He now pays for roaming, something he does a lot in his work, but never noticed because they were included. Looking back, every decision he made without consulting me as in most families consult each other, has cost us dearly and for many years...

Monday

So Nabal preached again yesterday... I went to prayer and did not see Nabal again until around 12:30. He came in the house, again complaining about the drunks across the street, while carrying the last 3 inches if a bottle of wine. He told me it was his second. He had, in the span of time he was missing cursed out the last preacher when he would not admit what he had done. He also threatened the man bodily harm. The kick though came when he turned to me and asked why I wanted a nasty, dirty drunk around and to let him go. He had the oddest smile on his face. We talked, as much as I will talk to a drunk and he said he would stay 6 months until I was finished school then go. Maybe he and Isela have cooked up a plan. Looks like her husband is 20 some years older than she is. He got me though when he said that he wanted to take our boy with him. And when he said that our girl was not Mexican enough... WTF I have to liberate some money coming to me and we will probably be able to survive after he leaves. I'm not sure if he remembers what he said, he left early and came in late. He was asleep when I got home. Well, I have had enough. I've gone through 3 years of his active drinking and 11 years of his dry drunk phase when he threatened to leave at least once a month. Then when I was most upset he would come to me with the, "It's ok baby. I still love you..." I must have been in such a fog. I was willing to put up with all that for so long. It really wasn't until I realized he was hurting the kids so that I snapped out of it. I'm so done. Unless the Lord intervenes. He is still steering this ship. I wait on his decision eventhough I am ready to move on with life, back to normal life. When I was waking I realized how far from normal I had drifted...

Sunday

It has been quite a week. Nabal has not been drinking since Wednesday. He has been smoking though. Our yard looks like hell, while he holds court with his minions. He has been extra nice and even yesterday asked with the most solicitous demeanor. Why didn't our boy take his phone when he went out for the evening... You could have knocked me over with a feather... When he asked after my expression I finally found my voice. "You have a hissy fit when anyone goes near your phone, much less taking it for an extended period of time." He actually guffawed! Like, "now why are you being so silly." Mind game alert! Either he is genuinely changed, all the girls are on vacation and don't have phone service, or he has upped his game and bought a new phone. Either way he is trying to make me feel like I'm blowing everything out of proportion... He even tried to go back to the old days. As if there has been some magical lapse of time that has cause me to forget every day of the last 2 years. Every lie that he has lied. He is trying to get away without even the smallest apology. Which I am not in the least interested in. Or it could be that it is the Sunday that he 'preaches' and he was being temporarily "good" He actually came in after his service and commented on the alcoholic across the street and their buddies. "Those people drink every day!" We all just looked on, none said a word. Now he's gone... Really it might just be another day in the wacky world of alcoholism...

The worst problem I am having with all this is that I only talk and joke with people who I like. People who I do not like. I can find nothing to say to... This keeps me honest with people, I am not a good faker.

Thursday

So the text to Mrs. Soto just kept running through my mind- something wasn't sitting right. Ok, other than the obvious. Then it dawned on me, a guy usually tells a girl that he is thinking about her. Nabal wanted to know if she was thinking about him... There is the whole thing in a nut shell... Self-centeredness. It wears after the years. It's not so much the always needing reassurance. It's in his tearing the other person down so that he can give reassurance. (his usual operating procedure) Then in the same breath getting the reassurance he craves.

He has been drinking every night. Asked our boy to run him to the store last night, then drove himself there only to find out the stores were already closed. He wasn't mad, just sat there wishing he had some more... He had enough to get him to the promise stage. We need to sell the rental house and he has that money covering everything he wants, but nothing he needs to pay... He has big plans of buying a new house and putting the Roman aqueducts in our backyard. I just don't get him. I just don't get the alcoholic mind. He now wants to open a taco stand at the Shell station, but said I wouldn't let him because I'd think he was around Shell girl too much. Me bad dream stealer! I told him I was over that and he could do whatever he wanted. He said that food service was easy and he was going to get someone to teach him. Fine. I told him that in 6 months I was finishing school and would be working so he should go for it. He said he could put our kids to run the taco place. They are 16 and 14... have school, and activities and each one has little jobs planned for the winter. I'm pretty sure I won't hear much about this again... he'll forget most of it by the morning. In 6 months we'll see the truth. I figured though he may wait out the whole Sweet 15 party before making his move. That is if he survives his own self medication.

He told me day before yesterday that he had hurt an old injury last week. He stood up fast and ran his head into a stone mantel right where he had surgery many years ago from a fight where he got hit in the head with a hammer. I have been on him since the brick accident months ago to please wear hard hats on the job. Nabal's reply, "I've worn hardhats and you still get hurt somewhere." I did realize that I was talking to an inebriated person and just let it go. I wore hard hats for many years too! Like a crash helmet, the body can repair a lot but you gotta protect the head. Well, the sky is yellow for him. He's got to be so contrary.

He was in a nasty mood Wed. night. He had enough money to really tie one on. We had a house full of kids and he was hating them. We had to have the conversation that these children literally visit only once every 2 years and were leaving the next day. He was just drunk and annoyed. Probably because one of the visiting children could play the drums pretty well and Nabal is learning. The child was nice enough to not only teach Nabal a little, but he taped off the drums to make learning easier for him. Funny, these are the most polite children you will ever meet raised in an old culture, and he still was not happy. He decided that our boy spends to much time with girls. The boy has spent the last 2 weeks with the boy who was visiting and one of his Mexican buddies came to visit yesterday. I realized that in Nabal's world men hang out with men and date women. Think about that... Maybe he's afraid that our boy will actually come to respect women for who they are, and not for what they can do for him! I have no worries, our girl keeps him in line.

Last night he comes in with a shirt that says, "No one is born a bigot." and asks me if I like it. I'm wondering who picked it out, it's really not his style. Plus Nabal and Archie Bunker have more than a few things in common. He didn't know what it meant. It had a big picture of a white child being hugged by a black child. Again, just not his style... All of us were wondering what was up with that. Trying to fathom the mind of an alcoholic will only make a sane person loose it.

Monday

Nabal is so drunk he just woke from his stupor and asked what time I got in from school. Insinuating that I had come in very late. I told him I got in at 10:30 and talked to him then went to pick up our girl at 11:15. I pointedly asked if he remembered us talking when I first got in and he said no. He is very drunk. I couldn't resist, I looked through his phone. GOLD! Him: Hey little girl wha u dooing I hope u tink a b me (to Mrs. Isela Soto of Texas) Isela's reply:yea i am. Plus she gave him her permission for something. He had 9 text over the course of hours from 6pm- 10:39 pm. Well if her current husband is somewhere drunk, she'll be jumping from the frying pan to the fire! And if he is out working then she'll get what she deserves! I see she calls him at 8:30 am. I found a lawyer's card in his new wallet. Guess I'd best get on the stick and get one myself.

Our boy told me he was drinking with the drunks and druggies from across the street. These are the folks he looks down his nose at all the time.Oh, yeah and they were smoking weed on the street in front of the kids.

Sunday

Nabal has been pretty well bombed since yesterday. Our boy had a game this morning and Nabal was in such an awful mood because the child needed $5 to pay the ref. Nabal needed to borrow some money the other day, needed $20. Our boy only had $100, money he had worked for. When he said that I told him never give Nabal that much because he always finds a way to spend it. Well here we are 2 days later and he has no money... He was so angry, said he was tired of all our boy's F**ing B.S. with these games. The child has not played in over a month.I bought drinks and got him $10. He took everything turned on his heels and never said thanks or anything except complain as to how I hadn't given the boy enough money. I asked before I got it! When our boy got to church I apologized for not giving enough money for him to get a bite to eat and he looked at me like I was nuts. He didn't want anything. Yet another lie from Nabal.

Now he's at his church... his friend preached, and the sleazy preacher who ran off with one of his member's 17 year old daughter, who now lives with some woman who he has 2 children with while still married to wife #1 was there. Quite a collection. Found out the last guy preaching when found out and Nabal wanted to discipline him, has not returned to church since he can't preach. Why? Because that's what he does in church. Nabal disappeared for a couple of hours then returned with the baby talk trying to be nice. Later when he thought I was reading he went through and deleted out calls on his cell. At church he was all smiles, and tried a hug and cheek kiss. Everything for the people!

Saturday

So, it seems that Nabal lost a day or two. He does not remember much of anything from the day he drove the kids drunk. We are all trying to figure out if he remember where he took them...

He just knows he was sick yesterday... I wonder how far back his memory lapse goes?

He keeps asking me about going to the beach, and yet he never seems to have time to actually go... Wow, could he be wanting to get me out of town so he can finally have an all nighter with his paramour Mary??? Probably!

He was talking to a friend of our boy about talking to the child's sister at some party where he was skunk drunk. He was asking if they mentioned anything about going to church since that is what he was talking to them about!! Yes, sounds like they were all drunk and he was drunk evangelizing. Wonder what the stats are for evangelizing from inside the world of sin? Before some get their hackles up. I am not a teetotaler, a drink or two with friends is fine- constant alcoholism is not!

Friday

Nabal has really been in rare form this week. Our girl had a function that is usually mandatory for parents and they are proud and pleased to attend. Nabal told our boy, "Well, I have to be there. Don't I?" He got there and complained about everything! The event was held in the gym (unairconditioned) He wanted to know why a rich school didn't put air in. The school is private, and it is specialized. Some of his ignorant friends said it was a ritzy school and he believed them. They do have wealthy students, but for the most part they are children of construction workers like us, farmers, and just people who scrape together the money to give their children with learning disabilities a better chance in life. They have scholarships for some, and have been known to float kids so they can finish and not have to leave. He complained that he could not hear, understand or just about anything. He asked if he had to stay for the whole thing. Fortunately our girl was dead last. So, yes. He knew I had school and we were cutting it close. Yet he immediately said that he had 2 of his guys working and had to leave. Long story short, by the time we got home he was sitting in his truck with his trusty beer. He took pictures with his phone and our boy told me a lot were of himself... I went to school, Nabal went to church. I got home, and he got home- with a beer.

Fast forward our girl's birthday is also this week. Nabal had the nerve to say that I did not 'want' to take off school for her birthday. I took the kids out during the day and when we got home around 4:30 in the afternoon, he was already drunk. He was going on about how he wanted to invite a bunch of his friends and told our boy to invite Mexican boys he knows and they were going to have a party for our 14 year old girl. There was only one of her friends over. Responsible? Nah! Then he tells me that the next year he was throwing and all out party and he didn't want me in his way. I told him fine... he continued to argue with himself until I pointed out that I was not arguing with him. He over and over implied that if I really cared, I'd skip school. Really he'd like me to skip school so he has a dig when he needs one.

So, I get home and no one is there. I start calling finally he texts me saying they are at the fair. He took them in the church van after sitting in his truck for over an hour drinking. He drank all the way there and slammed the last one just before he entered the fair. Why the heck my teens got into a car with him knowing he was drunk I will have to revisit with them! Our boy said he has a stash of beer hidden in the church van. When he came in the door he looked at me with utter revulsion and muttered something about my going to school... The kids said he texted the entire time, and was obviously hiding it from them. He passed out with a beer bottle clutched in his hand sitting up in bed. Yeah, I got pics, with his camera on his new phone. Sent them to my email. Glad he got a new phone! Evidently while he was entering the fair and finding a parking space he acted like a pure D ass! He was harassing the attendants, cursing at them in Spanish and honking the horn. He soooo lives to be the center of attention. Then he got stuck in the mud... and the attendants had to push him out. The kids said they were very nice and gave them a space where they would not get stuck again. The kids thanked the people and apologized for his behavior... He did try one of the rides and almost threw up on the kids. Lovely...

Last night after he passed out all the weird things that had started to wind down all started up again.

I start practicals next week. Lord help us hold out until I can get on my feet enough.

Oh, last night he says he wants to go to the beach, and have another party there. And invite people we meet on the beach to come dance and celebrate the child's birthday?..?..? And he wants to have the party next year in Texas, AND rent a van to take his friends from here! He mentioned that he wanted to hold it at the home of our sister-in-law. The one who's husband had and affair with her brother's wife who lived next door. His brother who when he left her and their son caused the lady to have to go on assistance while she went to school because he spent all his money on a plethora of women. Yeah, she's just waiting to have ongoing contact with his family and, oh, no consideration as to whether she has the time for a big 'quience' bash. He had the nerve to tell me that I could do whatever I wanted this year because next year was his year. Now, this man has never lifted a finger to plan, help with, and many times attend any birthday party or outing of our children. I really wonder what he tells himself...

He's off to church to teach... He was studying this afternoon. I asked what he was up to and he replied that he was really trying to study, As he had not had a chance to yesterday or the pervious day... And he didn't feel good! Just stared... what else could a sane person do?

Wednesday

Our boy continues to grow in his faith. He is reading his bible voraciously! Nabal seems to be trying to catch him in knowledge. Our boy went to church with Nabal last evening. Nabal talked with the guys who work for him in cursing and shallow talk until they picked up other church people. Then seemed to switch to a pompous form of proper speech for the rest of the evening until it was just the workers and son again. Then back to the cursing and such... Nabal was in a good mood before he talked to him mom in Mexico. Our boy came in and I heard Nabal giving him the third degree. Now, nabal never gave the boy the third degree when he was running around and not talking. He was down the street with a neighbor's visiting relative a young man of very good character and now he, Nabal questions the boy accusatively. Nabal came in to go to bed and was mad and argumentative about everything. There was a change, but why? Our boy told me he had been texting and been caught by our boy. A text message actually came in and the noise made our boy look in it's direction and Nabal pulled a piece of paper over the phone. I've noticed that when he is texting or talking to the ladies, Nabal can be downright rude.

We have a new neighbor that our son is welcoming into the neighborhood by helping. He just happens to be Chinese and our boy is teaching himself to speak... just for fun... Seems everything our boy says about the new people Nabal has to better it. Last night Nabal was being pretty racist trying to cover it with humor- just made it uglier... He was even trying to turn some of it around on our boy, but the child is in such a different place than he was a week ago that he just let it go.

Monday

God is sooooo good. Lots of people at church have helped, commiserated, and prayed for and with our boy. Nabal on the other hand went between laughing and telling the boy to talk to this entity. He insinuated that it was my fault, all my fault for not being Mexican. Yet admitted having been plagued by something very similar to this as a teen. Our boy is learning through prayer, worship, the word of God and by listening to other Christians tell him of their experiences past and ongoing to fear nothing except God. He is calmer, kinder and gentler. He is able to resist the barrage of suggestions and they fled from him. He used to act on these things thinking they were his thoughts. This last time the Lord in His graciousness allowed the boy to discern the difference in the voices. He saw the hate filled tricks for what they were, submitted to the Lord, resisted and the devil fled. This thing and the protege are intertwined also, our boy also feels committed to loosing him from it's hold through praying with him and helping him meet and form a relationship with the Lord. The one question he has in his mind is why Nabal would not venture to pray for or with him. One of the reasons I hesitated in telling Nabal, because I was putting off all of us being disappointed by him.

Nabal preached yet again yesterday. I think he may be really sincerely in his heart trying to do for the Lord. It is his actions that he is trying to cover for that are pulling him down. I am back to taking things at face value. So last night he finally went to the store and bought 3 24oz's and half way through them turned to me and said, "You know one of these days you really need to get drunk with me." That was it. No more. Just out of the blue. Seems everyone else has stopped drinking with him. He took the guy across the street to allegedly pick up his daughter up on the highway, but the guy told our boy they went downtown. Just nonsense like this. Our girl returns this week and I have realized that fighting for the spiritual health of the kids and school are waaaaaaaaaay more important than trying to figure out the erratic actions of a rebellious man- Nabal.