Turn of events... Nabal hasn't to my knowledge had anything to drink since Tuesday. A good thing. I found from his phone that his latest 'hot item' pretty much got tired of his games and ditched him. One of his long distance EMS's. The very next day he stopped drinking and started interacting with the family. By the end of the week, after asking me if I'd like to raise another child and me replying, "Why? You got one somewhere you need to claim?" (I know, not nice) He put on his best hurt face and asked how I could think such a thing. It's my fault he went looking. Ok, partial responsibility taken. He said a friend asked him why he was looking for a new woman. He said he explained how I had checked out on our relationship. I stopped him there, "And did you also tell him about all the junk you have said and done in the past to make me keep my distance?" "Well, yes" ,he replied. "And my friend said if your wife is willing you can heal your marriage." Well, well well well... When all else fails- there's always my wife. I did the one thing I said I would not do. We talked round and round about my growing lack of trust, and literally threw up his hands and wanted to know what my problem was. I told him he never even apologized- he just said it happened, get over it. Then he swore he'd apologized. Finally he smiled and said, "Well if that's all you want." and came to hug me. I just looked at him astonished. "I don't know if I can accept your apology- now that the only reason you're giving it is because I said something."

It's almost as if he thinks that time stood still while he went in his 9 month binge of booze and later women. He doesn't get that the damage done has now to be dealt with. We are not dry erase boards that you wipe clean and start wherever you want to. Just pretend the last 9 months never happened. We are still to close to look back and laugh. He's thrown himself into fixing the house studying the bible. Oh gosh... I'n glad he's doing better. I'm glad he's moving closer to God.

He's decided to be dad again, but for the last 9 months he has led by the worst possible example at worst and ignored at best. So for the last few days he has decided to correct the things I have been letting slip. He came down on our boy; did what the bible calls provoking your children to wrath. Later said he just got mad. told me to let it go. Thinks the child is touchy because you can't say anything to him. The child IS touchy- he's grown up with in an alcoholic family with a Co-D mother! He has been on an even keel for the past year and within 3 days he's smashing things again. This is a child I can tell to do anything and he does it. He, after much counseling had learned to channel his anger and express it appropriately. One incident set him back all the way. Of course he was raised by a harridan who screams and berates her boys drunk or sober. Yet always manages to play the victim...

I spoke with my pastor's wife today (she lived through all this as a child) Her observation was that Nabal is seemingly trying to skip the healing time. I'm inclined to think he doesn't even realize that there should be one. I don't know if I want to go on. I just can not find in myself any trust to bestow. I'm now looking for all this to just blow away like so many grains of sand before a mighty wind. The wind of alcoholism undealt with. I am happy he's not hitting the bottle. Just want to be able to be happy at a distance. Like for any friend. So far he's wanting to be romantic. That translates to grabby... I'm not the same person I was 9 months ago; I've regained my old self and then some. I don't want to just settle anymore, I don't want to wait out another's moods, walking on egg shells wondering who will come in the door. I'm tired. Just tired. I'm tired of always guarding my emotions so they aren't sticking out there to get whacked. Ever since the early days I learned not to give Nabal any ammunition that he could use when he was in a bad mood. He will take any intimate thing and fling it at me to hurt. Knowledge in his hands, personal knowledge that is, is a tool to buckle the legs and shame the object of his wrath into submission. If he can make you weak then he has nothing to fear from you. I keep thinking about Proverbs 31- she will do him good (her husband) not evil all the days of her life. (She's a cool lady that understands the world in which she lives and how to work it) I have told the Lord that I'll abide for Him- as long as I can.

I saw a chinese proverb the other day: Unless you change direction, you are likely to arrive where you are headed.

I got home from school last night about 10:15. Everyone was looking at a soccer game. Good sign. Food was pretty much gone, well, except for the meat. The london broil from the night before, a pretty thick one hadn't cooked well enough in the middle. Since everyone was going different directions at 6, my boy and I cooked the spinach and potatoes. I cut the meat and left it to be heated and/or cooked more at the discretion of each person. There was a fast food bag on the counter. Why? Nabal told our girl that the meat was undercooked and would she like fast food... Nabal was just complaining about waisting money! Thin strips took all of 5 minutes in the iron skillet to heat and cook through. I told everyone, including Nabal the plan before I left.

Nabal complained to me about his buddy across the street. The guy came over sloppy drunk and cursing; Nabal said he got so mad. I could only look on incredulous. This is the man, who when I complained of his actions when drunk, told me, "That's the way drunk people act and you just need to let it go." Wow... Went to throw away some trash and there was a 24oz Bud Light, still in it's paper bag. I guess he's over his cold. I warned him about mixing alcohol and cold meds. A little before 11 he got his keys. I don't usually ask where he's going, but this time I did. He had to take the other buddy (the young one who had presence of mind to see where all the drinking was going and quit) to the grocery store. He hung out for a little then slipped out. One of the kids went to let the cat in and asked wasn't pop taking the young guy to the store. I answered yes. "Well mom the guy's sitting on his porch." This is a grown man, I don't nag him about drinking, I'm pretty much hands off. Didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it. Why does he lie so. I could tell he was going out for beer because of the way he was moving nervous fast, either that or to talk/text some woman or meet up with someone. His body just exuded deception. He got back and said the other guy didn't want to go after all, and he'd gotten there just after the store closed. He waited a little and brought his bottle in from the porch. He sat on the living room sofa, drinking from a bottle in a paper bag like he was on a street corner...

I guess he's drinking light beer to try and trim his stomach down. I worry that it's fluid. He drank so much over the summer, just all of a sudden, and still does here and there. His system must have been shocked. He refuses any help- from me (to be expected), and from friends. There are people around him who grew up with alcoholism and used, they try to get him help. He will not listen, and here's why- he's smarter than they are. He considers them stupid in general, so discounts anything from them that he doesn't want to hear. Listening to him talk through the years, he finds the stupid in everyone. Part of the reason I have allowed myself to be without friends. He could find any fault, and where none were to be found he just complained about or make fun of whoever- they thought they were sooo smart and he hated them. I'm a loyal friend and don't like to hear my friends ill spoken of. So I just dropped most and didn't pursue friendships. I keep most of them at church- everyone at a distance. One day I looked around and realized that all my now close friends had serious issues. Hey, when he rags on them at least it's things that are real and true like- mental illness, extreme obesity and folks that have as much to hide as we did. Kids are the same; he only liked the kids he could joke around with and ask about their parents business. ie. Spanish kids. Now as they are all getting older and so many are getting into trouble Nabal wants to encourage our boy to not hang out with them. It's like he choreographs life. When my boy brought over anyone else the whole evening would be spent pointing out flaws. Now the house is a mess, from which it seems to never recover from, so no one much comes over. My girl has one close friend, not the best, teachers warned me years ago about the child and her proclivity of making unwise choices. We live in such a small town that entanglements aren't easily parted.

Nabal is again talking to his mother- daily... He has the money for his international phone cards again. If you catch him on a 'real' day he will tell you how abusive she was when they were children. (and I've seen her in action on adults- she's brutal) Her alcohol dependence and boyfriend took food out of their mouths (they were actual dumpster divers) and heat from their home, she would berate them and beat them for her lapses of judgement; 3 brothers raised one another. She takes no responsibility for her actions. Nabal and his brothers have supported her for years. She will berate them if they don't send her money. (even when one was physically unable to work) The my mother-in-law told them that at 45 years of age she was too old to work! And my poor husband believed her; I still think that's why he started drinking so much this year. He keeps telling me his life is over, he's old, the good days are past. I'm assuming that if he doesn't personally completely buy into that thinking- he'd have to call his mother a liar...

Good thing is my children have started believing in themselves again. We talk about not letting another's actions dictate our self worth. Whether it's something that person says directly or indirectly to us, and we need not have shame for an action that is not personally ours. We're getting there. My goal is to get them into Alateen, but we're not there just yet. Plus I doubt Nabal would be willing to drop them off now that I'm in classes at the meeting time... My boy can actually handle his anger now, he'd still rather not talk, but things no longer get broken and he doesn't lash out at people not involved. Alcohol really is a family disease. It's insidious.

Odd day yesterday- Nabal was studying for the bible class he was teaching at his church last night. So, all silent on the addiction front. I think... He didn't even bring home a 40 after church.

I did get a little preachey this weekend. He had gotten to the point that he was doing everything out in the open- ie. in front of our kids. Not cool at all. So he'll slow down for a while then gradually get smug and cocky again.

His drinking buddies across the street had their electricity, gas and water cut off again last week, so he lost his hang out place for a while. He blames all that on their eating chinese food all the time. Of course it's not the the drinking case after case every day and not taking care of their business. Nabal commented the other day that they just pretty well needed a woman around to take care of them. One is 20 and the other is almost 30! I'm cold because I don't feel sorry for their plight. They work every day! He's their leader. They lived without heat most of this cold winter because he told them that their heat was broken and their landlord was to cheap and trifling to fix it. He told them there was no point in asking about it. You see he looked at it and couldn't get it to work. (probably while intoxicated) When the landlord finally found out that they had been living in an ice box for months, she sent a guy over and he fixed it- with a match! The pilot was out. Truly the blind leading the blind. Slipping over into that ditch...

I had a light bulb moment this weekend, and it just keeps getting brighter by the moment... I'm still navigating the nuances of living with a husband who is not as he appears. The layer of lies that shroud addiction, dress it up to appear quite normal- but in the end it's just an illusion. I'm a trusting soul, not to the point of stupid, but people I know have my trust until it's broken... and it's broken.

My husband is an alcoholic, from an alcoholic family. He's gotten tired of acting otherwise. This past summer he went on a 6 week binge which has ebbed and flowed to this day. I take responsibility for walking through the last 17 years with blinders firmly in place while he created havoc around me. I pray that I have awakened soon enough to enable my teen children to get the help they need so this destroying monster will die here. I have to recommend Alanon to anyone trying to survive around an addiction. Even the basic skills they offer will give you back your own power and dignity.

But this is a diary so:

He hasn't had a drink to my knowledge in 4 days. He cut back since he now believes me when I told him his nosebleeds were from his drinking. (He stopped a few days no blood, he drank- bleeding again) Of course he laughed at me when I first told him. At that time he was putting away a couple of 40's and a six pack or so every evening.

Everyone had colds last week and now he does. He had a big nose bleed yesterday. He's also complaining about his allergies. I'm not sure how that's going to work. This will be the first time (to my knowledge) that he's going to navigate allergy meds while actively drinking and smoking drugs.

His mid-life re-embrassing his heritage has led him to gather a lot of lady phone friends too, most of them are very long distance. He stood out in the cold last night sneaking a call. Some chick in Colorado, he's got some in Texas and South Carolina. One is local, but keeps turning him down. Well, I'm over this, I just need to hang in for one more year. Funny, I've become such a cold bitch. I had a lucrative trade before we had children, which since the de/recession has all but dried up. So school for me in the evenings equals about a year or so to freedom again. I manage our family business, which I think is the only reason he hangs on to me. I recently realized he has never been content. He has always envied others material things. (and the more gaudy, the better) He has so much more than others do because of his talents. He's like the dog in Aesop's Fable- he's going to lose all the good things he has grasping for what he doesn't have. I've just made myself invaluable to him at the moment, and am trusting God. I really like my new career and if he would turn around and get the help he needs it will be a blessing to all of us. I didn't grow up with alcoholism, but I did grow up with a mother who really never should have had children. So moving along once I realize it needs to be done can be approached analytically.

He lied about his texting and calls yet again. He thinks I'm so sweet I wouldn't check, or has forgotten how well I read Spanish. Yeah, I won't warn you twice. I'm just collecting evidence and keeping reality in place. What gets me is the smile in his eyes when he lies. The smile of a very bad child getting away with something. It's just a game for him. He was supposed to be in a class last night and came home early, 'because he was sick', yet stood outside so the children couldn't hear him talking. The bad part is that they know... everything. They were the ones who originally caught him, read his text. (He'd attached his brother's name to some woman's #) Some may think we have a snooping home, not so. Just the opposite, we were all very trusting, and from the first time a cell phone hit the house the kids would play a game of changing the ringtones.

Well, welcome to my new world. Same world actually, just different perspective. Loose ends: yes I've confronted him about everything. 1) He doesn't have a drinking problem- he wants to start a group for people with addictions to help them back to a normal life. (yeah, go ahead and laugh...) 2) He just loves beautiful women... and remembers me looking at some friend of his 18 years ago before we got married. (didn't happen) I don't hold my breath for an apology.

People have pointed out to me I'm probably dealing with a narcissist too. O joy, as if three addictions weren't enough!